And Then the Bottom Dropped Out...

You've probably noticed I haven't been around. The day before my sixth anniversary, my husband told me he wasn't happy in our marriage, that he didn't know if he could live with the fact that we can't have more children and that he wouldn't have the son he's longed for. I was devastated. Shane and I had made the decision to have my tubes tied during the births of our twins because after receiving Calvin's diagnosis and after losing so many pregnancies in trying to have our family, we felt we couldn't take the emotional upheaval that would come with another loss. We tried talking it out, we went out for our anniversary and tried to spend some time together but there was just too much tension. I was terribly hurt, not having a clue that he had been unhappy for some while I felt blindsided by his revelation and terribly sick about the prospect of losing my marriage on top of everything. Shane decided to take some time away for himself to sort out his feelings, a miserable four days that I spent stewing and worried about what was going to happen to us. During his time away, we had a conversation on the phone that made him realize just how much he wanted to be with us and he drove through the night to get home. Since his return, we have been focusing on us, on our feelings and the sadness in our marriage, trying to find a way to start fresh. It was never an issue of our love, but of years of sadness, disappointment and heartbreak in trying to have a family together. We have been through way more than any couple should have to go through in a lifetime in the six years we've been married. Sometimes it's hard to separate the feelings for what they are, feelings of sadness in what life has dealt us, not unhappiness with each other. Please say a prayer for us as we continue to work on our relationship and trying to find a way out of all the pain we've been through. I love my husband more than anything and want us to stay together as a family, thankfully it's what he wants too.