Frozen

Calvin's birthday and angel day are coming fast. I don't know how to feel about these days, other than the looming sense of dread that's been creeping over me this past month. Part of me is incredulous that I have survived the death of my child for OH MY GOD, a year already. How does that happen? It's almost a sense of shame that my life continued when his did not. These past eleven months have been at the least, defining. At the apex of my grief, and in the aftermath of my son's death, I would say things have become catastrophic. Our lives have fallen completely apart. Neither Shane nor I know where to begin in assembling our new lives since losing Calvin. Any last vestige of normal has fallen away and the new uncomfortable is the coat I now wear. I don't know how to do it. I don't think we've been coping well. I'm still breathing and I'm still able to love and look after the girls but so much has changed that I don't know myself or Shane these days.

I used to be one of those passionate movie watchers that would get so into the movie I was watching that I would holler at the screen. I could see ahead to where the plot was taking us and I often felt a sense of dread knowing the main character was doing something or not doing something that was going to keep him out of danger. It's almost as if I have stepped outside myself and am watching my life play out in front of me. I can see the catastrophe looming all around us, evidence of that is everywhere but it's like my feet are frozen in a pond of ankle deep water. I feel helpless to move, to change, to step out from beneath the darkness. Why? Because I don't know this life. Because I don't know how to cope, to get on with things, to step out of my feelings and this new sense of "normal" to live despite of the fact that my son has died. My life is being created all over again and I don't like it. I don't like the feeling of sadness in my heart all the time. I don't like knowing that I held my son and watched him die and was helpless to do anything about it. I don't like knowing that our family is forever incomplete now that he is gone. I don't like the things that have happened to us while we are trying to work through this mess of feelings and this new horrible beginning to our lives. My marriage has suffered terribly. My children have suffered from having a mother who isn't one hundred percent with them anymore. My husband has suffered, lashing out in unhealthy ways, angry at what has happened to us. We have slowly watched things around us fall apart. I don't know if it's the way it's supposed to be or not. My life stopped being the same the moment Calvin took his last breath, so maybe all the things that have happened is part of some sort of shedding, layer by layer I watch as everything in my life falls apart. I just don't know what to do about it. Do I pick up the pieces and try and patch them together and try to repair all that's been damaged in the last eleven months? Or do I accept that it's futile to want any semblance of the life I had before my son back? Is this where we start over again, building hope, building relationships with our children, building our marriage and family relationships over? I'm so tired of feeling suspended in my own life, watching everything around me fall apart. I hate to think this is where my life has come to and that I have to accept it. I want more and better and happier out of my life than I've had in this shitty eleven months. There's got to be more than this feeling of helpless empty....

Over the Top

I was given an "Over The Top" award from Lea at Nicholas's Touch.

Thank you for the recognition. I am supposed to answer the following 35 questions, with just one word....not always possible. ;)

1. Where is your cell phone? Couch

2. Your hair? Ponytail

3. Your mother? Hospital

4. Your father? Heaven

5. Your favorite food? chocolate

6. Your dream last night? sexy

7. Your favorite drink? milk

8. Your dream/goal? fundraising

9. What room are you in? bedroom

10. Your hobby? shopping

11. Your fear? No heaven

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Vancouver

13. Where were you last night? Kelowna

14. Something that you aren't? thin :(

15. Muffins? cranberry orange

16. Wish list item? house

17. Where did you grow up? Ontario

18. Last thing you did? movie

19. What are you wearing? pyjamas

20. Your TV? news

21. Your pets? dead

22. Friends? loyal

23. Your life? unfulfilled

24. Your mood? anxious

25. Missing someone? Calvin

26. Vehicle? Caravan

27. Something you’re not wearing? Underwear

28. Your favorite store? Children's Place

29. Your favorite color? pink

30. When was the last time you laughed? tonight

31. Last time you cried? Monday

32. Your best friend? busy

33. One place that I go to over and over? In-laws

34. One person who emails me regularly? Jesse

35. Favorite place to eat? Morton's

Now, as in the rules, I must select five other bloggers:

Akul's Mommy at http://aajaakul.blogspot.com/

Peyton's Mommy at Once a Mother at http://onceamother.blogspot.com/

Lindsay at La la Land http://lindsaylala.blogspot.com/

Jesse at Truncus Arteriosus http://truncusarteriosus.blogspot.com/

Jay at Opus Angara http://opusangara.blogspot.com/

How Do I Offend Thee, Let Me Count the Ways

My blog has been pissing people off. Twice now, since beginning it, I have offended people with remarks about things that have happened in the past or how I have felt about certain situations. I feel terrible about it. When I started my blog back in March, it was basically just a way for me to vomit out some of the horrible feelings of grief I was experiencing after Calvin's death. People only want to hear so much about the same topic over and over, especially if it's a sad one. I was strangling in my feelings and after my husband told me that constantly talking about grief was making him depressed, I stopped and started here. It was my intention at the time to keep my blog from family and close friends so that I didn't feel I had to censor my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to purge in honesty.

Although I don't feel I have to censor my thoughts or feelings on here, there is that little voice in the back of my head now telling me to sugarcoat things. I don't want to hurt anyone intentionally but I am also an extremely opinionated, strong willed woman. If I feel especially passionate about a topic or situation, I am going to voice my feelings. I have come to learn especially in the seven years that Shane and I have been together, that my feelings and opinions are not always appreciated. If there is one thing I can say of myself with pride is that I am honest about the way I feel, about the things I believe in and I don't pretend to agree with things to keep the peace. It's caused me some issues for sure, mainly with the people I am closest with unfortunately. I do regret sometimes the way I speak frankly and without mincing words when I do hurt the people I care about, but in order to be true to myself and to my blog, I feel I must continue to speak my mind and my feelings without the added worry of who I am going to upset with what I post about. There have been several things that I have wanted to blog about but that I have refrained from posting about because I know they will cause discord in my family. In those situations, it's not the feeling of having to censor myself for fear of backlash, it's knowing that some things are best left unsaid. Instead I rant to a friend or another family member until I feel relieved of some of the stress and anger some situations have left me with, knowing my family relationships will be better in the long run for not making a public spectacle of my feelings.

There are also things I have not blogged about because of privacy issues, those fine lines that are drawn between wanting to share and not wanting people to know every sordid detail of whatever drama I may be going through at the time. I would however, like to ask that if anyone finds what I post to be offensive, to realize that they are simply the feelings and opinions of one person. I accept that not everyone will agree with the way I see the world at times, but if you find yourself offended or pissed off by a topic I have chosen to write about, contact me. Leave me a comment asking me to get ahold of you, if you are family and I have offended you please call me or if you so choose to do so, stop reading my blog. Not having an audience to my feelings won't bother me, I write my words for me and not to appease anyone else. I just want to be understood that when I write about something, I am not writing about you in particular, I am writing about me and how I felt in a situation and how that situation relates to the grief I am dealing with today. To someone on the outside who can't understand why I am writing about things that may have happened five or twenty five years ago, please realize there is relevancy and I am not doing it to be a bitch. I'm not made that way even if I do come off sounding harsh or abrupt about certain things.

My goal in creating my blog was to find a way to a healing peace as I muddle through the darkness of grief and it remains my goal to this day. I am in no way seeking sympathy or vengeance, merely searching for understanding within myself and my world. This is the most difficult journey I have experienced in my lifetime and I do hope that by being open about my feelings and thoughts during my time of mourning that if people are reading my blog that they understand just how difficult and painful this past year of my life has been. This is the way I put my voice to the words that I cannot bear to push past my lips into the open air, a way to let the pain pour out through my fingertips and into a place other than inside myself. Please, cut me a little slack and know that hurting some of you is the very last thing I want to do.

I Want Mommy

It's ten minutes to one and I am far from crawling into bed at this point. My oldest, Lorelei started to complain the day before yesterday that her tummy hurt. I didn't think too much of it at the time because lately she's been having issues with poop. She doesn't want to go and has been holding it as long as humanly possible until she's either doubled over in pain or it's too late to make it to the toilet. Having carried her by the armpits to the bathroom last week, felt pens clutched in each hand and a huge lump of turd in her Hello Kitty undies, I naturally assumed it was yet again another poop issue. After spending all day yesterday lying on the couch and refusing all forms of food, even her favorites, I began to suspect that she really was indeed sick. Although she was down in our room at two thirty in the morning this morning crying that she wasn't feeling well and after yet another day spent lying on the couch, because she actually ate some dinner tonight, I thought she was feeling better. I was wrong. At eleven tonight, as I was struggling to get Georgia down to sleep after an early poop disrupted her afternoon nap routine, Lorelei woke and began crying. Shane went upstairs to check her only to come flying downstairs, child in arms looking frantically for our thermometre. She was hot. Steamy hot. I knew instantly before the thermometre read 39 degrees that she had a fever. And instantly, the words came out. "I want Mommy". For some reason, my headstrong child who normally prefers her father's company to mine wants me and only me when she's sick. It's sweet and bothersome at the same time. I love to take care of her, to mommy my girl. I love to nurture her by giving her juice and stroking her hot, sweaty curls and murmuring words of love into her ear as she snuggles into my lap. I hate the fact that my child gets me sick everytime she gets something.

For some reason, Shane can fight off whatever bugs he is exposed to never really getting sick, sick. But for me, I get sneezed on and I'm out of commission for the next ten days. My fellow co-workers used to joke that they would know how serious the colds going around were dependant as to how much time I would either be off or in the hospital. I've never had a very good immune system it would seem, or maybe it's too good. Too good at fighting my own tissues and pregnancies to bother with fighting off germs. So here I am, wondering if we've contracted H1N1 and trying not to be paranoid about it. I can't be sick right now because I need to look after Lorelei and Georgia and we can't afford Shane to take any time off work right now. But I'm wondering if in forty-eight hours I will be bedbound with a fever of 105 degrees like the last time I got sick. Sigh....It's nice to be wanted as Mommy, not so nice to be given a cold or flu. I'm starting to think I should just stock up on Tamiflu and the seasonal and H1N1 vaccines and get the whole family done at one time. I injected myself long enough during my pregnancies, how hard can it be to inject into a muscle instead of fat? And as for injecting others, I owe Shane a stab with the needle after he thought he'd learn how to inject me and he stabbed me with the needle only to pull it out in horror without giving me the medication....

Light a Candle

Calvin's candle, picture, and heart within a heart given to us by the spiritual care team of the ICU. I said a prayer and thought of all of our angels while I lit his candles. Hugs to the angel mommys.

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Please light a candle at 7:00pm and take time to remember our lost babies.

A thousand thank yous to Franchesca for making Calvin's name collage. Franchesca devotes much of her time to creating these collages for parents who have lost their precious babies. It's a beautiful and thoughtful way to honour our children.

It's a Boy

Shane's sister Susan had her baby yesterday. Elijah Jon was born after an easy three hour labour and weighed in at 7lbs 1oz. I am happy for Susan. However timing is everything and it just figures that her brand new boy would be born on the day our son's grave marker was being installed. Yes, Calvin's marker is in again. I haven't gone over to see it yet but Shane did and by first glance, everything looks good. It's a relief. As for my husband, Shane didn't take the news as well as I had hoped. Maybe things would have been a little different had the two of us not been so full of anxiety about Calvin's marker being installed the next day that neither of us slept Monday night. Maybe if we hadn't had our first real conversation about our son in a long time it would have been easier for him. Shane has bottled up his feelings about Calvin for so long now that the conversation literally took my breath away. I cried. Alot actually. Shane misses our son so much and has put on his "I'm fine, We're fine, Everything's fine" face for so long now that it was like a dam had burst. He's so hurt and in so much pain over losing our son and about losing our "lives" before loss. He acknowledged that he never feels normal anymore, that he feels so alone in the loss that he has done some horrible hurtful things, said some things he normally would never say and buried himself in escapes. He's utterly sad over the fact that Georgia's life will always be surrounded by a touch of darkness and that all the important things in her life will be blemished with Calvin's loss.

After receiving the call that Elijah had been born, Shane crawled back into bed and asked me to come and hold him. I put my arms around him and asked him if he was alright to which he answered no. I understand him completely. When we had been trying unsuccessfully for a year to have a baby and I kept miscarrying, Susan got pregnant with her first child. She had no problems whatsoever. I found it painful to be around her, couldn't bring myself to share in her joy and started avoiding family functions. At one point Greg, Shane and Susan's brother, freaked out on us and started screaming at us that we were selfish, why couldn't we be happy for her? I started crying and told Greg at the time that we weren't unhappy for her, we were unhappy for us and that all the things she had reminded us of what we had been trying so desperately for. I don't think the family can understand that. All they see is us being upset and get angry. I know Shane won't be saying anything about his hurt to anyone in the family this time and I ache for him. Although I don't feel devastated by Susan having a boy because I had been expecting it all along, I am disappointed that he came on the day our son's marker was being installed. It seemed like a kick in the teeth. Susan gets a healthy son, we get a marker for our dead son. It's grief, it's complicated and it sucks.

Snapshots of Love

Lorelei on her way to see the Wiggles with dad at the Hope Slide viewpoint. I love this picture, she looks so tiny against the landscape.

Feeding the chipmunks at the Hope Slide.

Sitting under the big carved bear at Manning Park Lodge.

Lorelei, Georgia and Daddy snuggling after a terrific Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma and Papa's.

Little Miss Georgia Leigh enjoying her baby MumMum biscuits.

It's been awhile since I posted any pics of the girls and talked of what they've been up to so I thought I would share pictures from our Thanksgiving weekend dinner. This weekend has been good. Shane and Lorelei had a fantastic time at the Wiggles. The concert started with them coming out in the Big Red Car singing the song of the same name and Lorelei jumped up and was singing and dancing along. Shane said that when Sam Wiggle came through the crowd and missed Lorelei's hand as he was giving High Five's, she chased him up twenty rows trying to get his attention much to Shane's dismay....She thought nothing of running off to meet a real live Wiggle in a crowd of ten thousand people, but Shane just about had heart failure....LOL. Anyhow, a good time was had by both father and daughter and Sam Wiggle survived to do another concert.

Our Thanksgiving dinner was done on Sunday, up at Shane's parents home. His mom is still in Regina waiting for Susan's baby to come so his dad invited the rest of the family up for dinner. He put on an impressive feast of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, carrots, turnips, candied yams, broccoli salad and dinner buns. We were so stuffed afterwards, we almost didn't get to the apple crisp I made for dessert from apples off the tree in our backyard. It was a beautifully relaxing evening with the family and Georgia ate more food in one sitting than she ever has before. It's been a struggle not to nap the day away today after such a great feast last night. Too bad Mama Mayer and Susie, Dana and the kids weren't there to share in it.

As for me, I've enjoyed the small bit of mommy/baby time I had with Georgia while Shane and Lorelei were in Vancouver. However I am struggling now with the thoughts of Calvin and Georgia's upcoming birthday on November 10. I asked Shane if he thought that I should put Happy Birthday Georgia and Calvin on the cake and neither of us knows what to do. I suggested putting just Happy Birthday Georgia on her birthday cake and then getting another smaller cake that said Remembering Calvin but I'm just not sure how I feel about it. I don't want to pretend my son never existed and it would be his birthday too, but on the other hand, I don't want Georgia to grow up in the shadow of her brother's death. I'm torn as to what to do. I already know her first birthday will be bittersweet for me as we celebrate the day she was born, but that day was such a beautiful day for us because Calvin was born too. We went from a family of three to a family of five. How do we acknowledge her twin on their birthday? What is the right and proper thing to do in a case like this? How do we acknowledge our son even though he is no longer here with us? Some suggestions or input would be greatly appreciated on this one as we are both confused as to what to do.

A Visit From Calvin

Months ago, I blogged about dreaming of my friend John after he died, how I was sure it wasn't so much of a dream but a visit. I'm sure that sometimes when we are grieving the loss of someone we love, the mind may give us dreams to comfort us, to make the pain a little less intense. I have been waiting for months now to dream of my son and upon awakening from this dream, I am absolutely sure I was with him. It was so real, so vivid I could feel him...

I dreamt I was an old woman and I had died and I was standing in Heaven surrounded by bright light. Suddenly, a beautiful man around the age of thirty was standing before me. He had the most beautiful blue eyes, handsome face, and blonde curly hair. I knew without being told that it was Calvin. I'm crying tears of joy and love and as we embrace, I realize that I am no longer old but I too have been transformed to age thirty and I look better than I ever have looked in my lifetime. He calls me Mom and is holding me and I am weeping with love and joy and sorrow all at once. As I look into his face, I tell him how much I have loved him, how I have spent all of my life missing him and how sad I am that I never got to see him grow up. I am suddenly aware of a presence to my left and instantly I am aware that I am standing in the presence of God. He is huge, and serene looking and kind and wordlessly he takes me left hand and Calvin's right hand. I close my eyes and see my life being replayed. Every moment. Only Calvin is there in all of them, as a baby, playing with Georgia as a toddler, fighting with his sisters as a ten year old, graduating high school beside Georgia, dancing with his sisters at their weddings, crying over the casket of his mother at her funeral. It was my life, every minute, every memory, every special occassion replayed with my son there through all of it. It was the most beautiful gift. We must have been standing there forever but in Heaven it was only a few minutes. God had given me the gift of watching my son grow up with us, with his father and me and Lorelei and Georgia, just as he would have if he had come home from the hospital. Here I was now, standing with my son and God in this glorious light, hand in hand with them both, feeling the warmth of love like waves lapping over me. Tears of gratitude streaming down my face, God spoke to me and told me to enter Heaven and to enjoy eternity with all of those I have loved in my lifetime who were now waiting for me. He told me that all of my loved ones had been restored in body and health and although I wouldn't normally recognize them that I would know them instantly. As I turned to look towards the gates God was gone, but my son still held my hand. I looked at Calvin and told him I've loved you my whole life and he replied, I know mom, I was there. My dream ended soon after but I awoke feeling the warmth I had felt in my dream and there was a feeling of peace in my heart. I think that this was too vivid, too real to have been merely a dream. Maybe it was a hint from God that we don't really miss watching our children grow up, that when we get to Heaven it is a precious gift given to us who have suffered and felt the deep pain of loss here on earth. That the replay of our lifetimes with the children we have lost is only the beginning of spending eternity with those we have loved the most here on earth. I'd like to believe that I will get my chance to see all of that, to feel every emotion, to catch up on every hug, kiss, cuddle and I love you I am missing with him now. It would be the greatest ending of all.....

Always on My Mind

I can't stop thinking about Calvin these last few days. I mean while I think of him everyday, lately I've been thinking about him all day, everyday. Especially when I lay down to go to sleep at night and the house is quiet and dark. That lump has come back, you know, the one that sits in the back of your throat that chokes you into tears whenever someone brings up the thing that's been on your mind? Maybe it's the weather, the time of year that Calvin was born and died, maybe it's because I can't believe it's coming up on a year already and my life has been basically at a standstill for that long. Maybe it's because no one mentions him much anymore. I'm hurting, and I'm mad at my family for not caring about me or about Calvin.

My last conversation with my grandmother hurt me so much I have been unable to talk about it. Who gets angry at a ninety year old woman? I feel bad for the thoughts I've had about her, about wanting to tell her to fuck right off because she's a miserable old bitter woman who yells at me about things that happened twenty years ago but tells me to stop living in the past because everytime we talk, all I talk about is "my dead son". I have long believed that my relationship with my grandmother is abusive, she has said some of the most hurtful things ever said to me in my life. I have tried to explain to people what she is like but I've been told over and over again that "Margaret, she's just an old lady, she doesn't mean to hurt you." People don't understand that she has been this way my entire life, long before she became a ninety year old woman. I feel like an infant sometimes when I am dealing with her, a short 4"10" tyrant who has reduced me to tears more often than I care to remember while I have stood there silently crying in anger and frustration. Part of my guilty concience won't let me yell back at her, to tell her to shut up, because not only is she old, but she is my mother's primary caregiver. She is also the only member of my mother's family who communicates with me. I am torn between hanging onto the connection and turning and walking away forever.

So here I am, a thirty-eight year old child being yelled at for being a little shit when I was thirteen years old but in the same breath being asked "When are you going to get over that?" , when talking about my son. I feel so utterly alone sometimes, with no family of my own to rely on for emotional support. Having my husband's family has been a blessing in alot of ways but there is always the feeling of not being "real" family. Truthfully I am still angry at my family for not coming to Calvin's funeral, for not taking time out of their busy lives to support me while I am living through the hardest, most painful loss of my life. So who do I talk to? I have no mother's lap to crawl into. I have no one left on my father's side. My aunt and uncle on my mother's side have had nothing to do with me for the last six years after my cousin, their darling daughter, came to live with me and I kicked her out after she brought cocaine into my house. I miss my son. Missing him is worse with this terrible feeling of disconnect I have with my blood relations. If there is anything in life I could wish for, it would be to have strong family support. Love. Genuine caring about each other. Not a family who gets together once in a blue moon in our best clothes and politely sits around a dinner table making small talk. I want a family that would hug me, rush to be by my side during my darkest hour, rejoice with me during happy times, and who actually know who I am. I have been told to create that family, the one I long for, with my husband and children. While it is something I aspire to, I also need and crave motherly attention of my own. Not just to be the one who is giving it all the time.

I need someone in my life I can talk to. I need someone who can understand how heartbreaking it has been for me not only to lose my son, but to also watch my husband turn into someone I'm not sure I know sometimes because of his own grief. As Calvin's year approaches I am finding myself deeply troubled and incredibly lonely. I can't stop thinking about my son and the moments I held him, loving him and wishing for more time. I can't stop thinking about the day he died as I quietly held him in my arms, praying for a miracle. I can't stop thinking about how my life hasn't felt the same, how my marriage feels empty at times, how sometimes the only deep bonds I feel are with my daughters. I think I would give anything in this world right now for someone who loves me to open up their arms and just let me cry instead of keeping it all bottled up inside. Oh God I miss my son. I miss my life before grief. I miss my mother. I wish I could have everything back.

Thanksgiving, Cool Weather and the Wiggles....

I'm sure many of you have think I've gone completely nutso and are wondering what's up with the title of my post. Just a bit of an update to let you all in on what's been happening lately.

Well our weather has cooled off signifigantly, and horror of horrors, I put the furnace on last week. I usually try to hold out until Halloween has passed but this year I just couldn't do it. We've gone from having the air conditioning on two weeks ago to so chilly that I've dragged out the winter pyjamas and bedding. Sometime last week, I went to get Georgia up in the morning and the poor thing was so chilly, it took a warm bottle and an hour of snuggling with mama under a heavy blanket to warm her up and with that I decided that having a cold baby was just not worth saving the extra money by keeping the heat off. So on went the furnace and I've been cozy and not so worried about my sleep-moving baby who never manages to sleep the night through in one spot.

As my Canadian friends will know, but maybe not my American friends, this upcoming weekend is our Thanksgiving. Shane's mother is currently in Regina, helping out Susan, Shane's sister, who's new baby is due tomorrow. As Susan has a history of being overdue, who knows how long Mama Mayer will be out there. I had already figured that if I wanted a traditional turkey dinner, I would be cooking it myself. Usually we have the big dinners at Shane's parent's house, his dad does all the big meal cooking and makes the best stuffing I have ever eaten in my life....mmm. So, after mentioning to Shane that maybe we would cook our own dinner, he took the initiative to invite his dad, his brother Greg and wife Trisha who is also expecting, and possibly Trisha's grandpa Herb. So, we will have a full house for Thanksgiving dinner and I am really looking forward to it. Not looking forward to the dishes afterwards mind you, but having the company will be well worth the effort.

This weekend is going to be a busy one for sure with not only our Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, but we have a wedding on Saturday to go to and Shane and Lorelei are taking a daddy/daughter trip to Vancouver on Friday to see the Wiggles. Lorelei is just crazy about them and months ago, when I found out they were coming to Canada, I bought them tickets to see the show. I will stay home with Georgia for a little mommy time with my baby and Lorelei will get the thrill of her life singing and dancing to the Wiggles with her daddy. It's going to be a busy, busy weekend and I'm sure we will all have a wonderful time.

An update on Calvin's marker....Rick from the funeral home called me Friday. Calvin's marker has been placed on urgent status, the CEO from the company that manufactures them felt horrible at not only our long wait but the fact that Calvin's name had been mispelled. I have been guaranteed that it will be here and installed by next Wednesday. Rick had already arranged with the cemetery caretaker that even if Calvin's marker comes in after they have stopped installing for winter, that it will be put in regardless. It's been a huge relief because it's been such a worry for me. I can't wait to see it or to plant the tulip bulbs that Jesse has sent me from Wisconsin behind his marker. I'm not planting them all mind you, but I figured I'd save two bulbs and plant them behind the marker so that in the spring, my son will have flowers. Thank you Jesse, for being such a thoughtful, caring friend.

And just to wrap things up, my fellow blogger Stephanie at the NieNie Dialogues is going to be on Oprah today or tomorrow. Stephanie, a devout Mormon, survived a terrible plane crash last year with her husband. They both suffered terrible burns, Stephanie receiving the worst of it. Go to her blog and check out the details of her visit with Oprah and be sure to tune in to hear her inspiring story of faith, courage and love.
http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/