A Visit From Calvin

Months ago, I blogged about dreaming of my friend John after he died, how I was sure it wasn't so much of a dream but a visit. I'm sure that sometimes when we are grieving the loss of someone we love, the mind may give us dreams to comfort us, to make the pain a little less intense. I have been waiting for months now to dream of my son and upon awakening from this dream, I am absolutely sure I was with him. It was so real, so vivid I could feel him...

I dreamt I was an old woman and I had died and I was standing in Heaven surrounded by bright light. Suddenly, a beautiful man around the age of thirty was standing before me. He had the most beautiful blue eyes, handsome face, and blonde curly hair. I knew without being told that it was Calvin. I'm crying tears of joy and love and as we embrace, I realize that I am no longer old but I too have been transformed to age thirty and I look better than I ever have looked in my lifetime. He calls me Mom and is holding me and I am weeping with love and joy and sorrow all at once. As I look into his face, I tell him how much I have loved him, how I have spent all of my life missing him and how sad I am that I never got to see him grow up. I am suddenly aware of a presence to my left and instantly I am aware that I am standing in the presence of God. He is huge, and serene looking and kind and wordlessly he takes me left hand and Calvin's right hand. I close my eyes and see my life being replayed. Every moment. Only Calvin is there in all of them, as a baby, playing with Georgia as a toddler, fighting with his sisters as a ten year old, graduating high school beside Georgia, dancing with his sisters at their weddings, crying over the casket of his mother at her funeral. It was my life, every minute, every memory, every special occassion replayed with my son there through all of it. It was the most beautiful gift. We must have been standing there forever but in Heaven it was only a few minutes. God had given me the gift of watching my son grow up with us, with his father and me and Lorelei and Georgia, just as he would have if he had come home from the hospital. Here I was now, standing with my son and God in this glorious light, hand in hand with them both, feeling the warmth of love like waves lapping over me. Tears of gratitude streaming down my face, God spoke to me and told me to enter Heaven and to enjoy eternity with all of those I have loved in my lifetime who were now waiting for me. He told me that all of my loved ones had been restored in body and health and although I wouldn't normally recognize them that I would know them instantly. As I turned to look towards the gates God was gone, but my son still held my hand. I looked at Calvin and told him I've loved you my whole life and he replied, I know mom, I was there. My dream ended soon after but I awoke feeling the warmth I had felt in my dream and there was a feeling of peace in my heart. I think that this was too vivid, too real to have been merely a dream. Maybe it was a hint from God that we don't really miss watching our children grow up, that when we get to Heaven it is a precious gift given to us who have suffered and felt the deep pain of loss here on earth. That the replay of our lifetimes with the children we have lost is only the beginning of spending eternity with those we have loved the most here on earth. I'd like to believe that I will get my chance to see all of that, to feel every emotion, to catch up on every hug, kiss, cuddle and I love you I am missing with him now. It would be the greatest ending of all.....