To Winter
3 years ago
Monday, December 7, 2009
Support
I've had a couple of comments lately thanking me for my support. Tonight I've really been thinking about our community and how much you all mean to me. This little group of ours is wonderful yet terrible all at once. I hate that we all relate to each other so well because of losing our children but I am so thankful for each and every mama out there that has shared a bit of her heart, her knowledge, her pain and her love with me as I navigate my grief journey. It's true, I honestly care so much about each and every one of you. Certainly I have gotten to know some of you women more than others, but the feeling is there. I cherish you. I cherish having people out there that understand my heart and who don't expect me to be "over it" or "healed by now" or "getting on with my life". People who understand that grief is a process that has tons of setbacks along the way. I have said things on my blog that I'm sure in any actual "conversation" with someone who hasn't lost a child would think that I needed to be locked up for. I am so grateful I can do that without judgement. I'm so grateful that I can cry my eyes out in my words and have the support of you reading and crying with me on the other end, understanding and acknowledging. It's a beautiful gift we give each other. I wish I could hug each and every one of you, spend hours talking over tea, look at photos and hold your hands as you cry. This is the best we can do given our geographical differences, but it works. I am constantly amazed by the strength and breveity of the women I follow and to be honest, I wish sometimes that I was more like some of you. I wish I wrote better, did better, supported better, was kinder, because you all are such an inspiration to me in your healing. I love Jesse, who has selflessly shared Oliver with me and let me watch his journey with the same defect my son Calvin was born with. I love what you are doing in Peyton's name, Kristin. I love what Franchesca and Lea and Carly and Bree do for other lost mamas. I love what Akul's mama did for me. I love Lindsay's art and Kristin's poems. I love Barbra's work and Birni's photography. You are all such amazing women. You touch my heart so much. Sometimes I feel as if I have little to offer in comparison to the things you all have done for me. If I was artsy or craftsy I would do something to honour all your babies, but I'm not. I have been trying to figure out what I can do to show you all how very much you mean to me but I have fallen short in finding something. However, I do want each and every one of you mamas (and daddys) to know that each of you have given me a very special gift by sharing your stories, your babies, and your heartbreak with me. You have given me a new sense of normal in my life. You reaffirm for me everyday that I am not the only one in the world who has lost a child. You reaffirm for me that I am NOT a nutjob, just a very sad mother who misses her child sometimes. You give me hope with your stories of happiness and new beginnings. Thank you so much. I love you all....Hugs
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I am so thankful as well! As you said, this group of us is wonderful yet terrible all at once. It is so sad that we all relate to one another, but it nice to have one another to share with.
ReplyDeleteOne of the many things I have learned is that we are not alone. xo
I think you write beautifully, I wish I wrote better too though. I stayed up all night last night reading about your precious Calvin and what your family had been through and i bawled. We are each delt such differnt hand that lead us down this path. I am also so greatful for every mama I meet here.
ReplyDeleteBig HUGS to you and lots of love!!
Brandy
This community is so full of love and support. It is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. The support I've found here via the internet is a gift. I'm so grateful for you, as well. Thinking of you. Hope things are improving for you guys. xoxo
ReplyDeleteEverytime I see that you have commented on a post I smile, your comments, be they short or long, are always nice and from the heart.
ReplyDeleteEveryone in this community is soo supportive and you all understand that while I may have a down day or an up day the hows and whys of the way I am feeling and I dont have to explain myself. You have no idea how much that has meant to me.
I too wish that I could write more eloquently sometimes it feels like I just ramble on and I make no sense. I guess I must make some sense though or you wouldn't come back.
As one of the first people to "find" me, I want to add thanks for just knowing there is someone out there who cares and truly understands means more to me than you could ever know.
How ironic that you would write "I wish I wrote better, did better, supported better, was kinder," on the same day that I write two posts about your amazing generosity and spirit. You are one of the kindest, most supportive people I have ever met, even outside the babyloss world, and what you did for the little babies at CCMC with the doing good in her name initiative, well, Margaret I don't know that I could ever adequately express how much it has meant to me. You are one of the truest people I know. It is we, your fellow babylost mommas, who are the lucky ones because we have been blessed by knowing you.
ReplyDeleteMargaret, for your whole life, whatever community you are a part of, is very lucky to have you. Good job being so thankful! Love and Hugs.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right that this sad sorority is a blessing. Totally. I tell everyone that I'm coping only because of all the other babylost mothers who help each other online. I'm glad to have met you through your blog and Calvin's story, but of course I wish it was for other reasons. But you know that.... (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteMargaret--I have come across your blog before and have been touched by you. This post is so exactly how I feel, too. I go in and out of commenting and some times I get a break from blogging and I disappear. But I always come back and I always check on as many mommas as I have come to "know" and the find new ones that I feel a deep connection with. Know that you HAVE comforted and been there for others just as you have felt in return. There are times that it makes me feel better to write the most supporting comment on someone else's blog when I really am just trying to make them feel better, pick them up, give them a cyber hug. Thank you so much for your comment. I don't know why I haven't been back here in a while but thank you for reminding me that you are here for me, just as I am for you. It's funny that you mention the cross on Chase's head because that is something I have NEVER questioned. When I walked into his isolette and saw him in there the first time, I saw it right away but I NEVER asked anyone about it. It was obvious, just not mentioned and I have wondered who put it there, when and why but did remember to ask (the one opportunity I have had since then). It was almost mystical, religious, spiritual however you want to put it. But I am trying to find myself in this world and in Chase's world and hoping one day the two meet. Hugs to you, too. Would love to have tea with you too!
ReplyDeleteChristy
i am so very thankful for this community too. thank YOU for being here for me as well. i hate that we all have to know each other, but i know that i couldn't get along without everyone here. truly, i would be lost. i'm sorry i'm always behind on blogs, and don't always comment because i don't know what to say or am afraid of saying the wrong thing, but i am always reading!
ReplyDeletelove,
christy