To Winter
3 years ago
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Feeling Down
Fifteen. It's the number of pounds I have gained since I started weaning off my meds. I am withdrawing and feeling so tired and slow and emotionally unstable right now. I am eating my way into oblivion and will face another battle ahead to shed some of this weight. It's not easy right now, some days I feel as if I don't want to do this. What "this" is varies from day to day, some days it's detoxing, other days it's living. I miss Calvin horribly right now and had a good hard cry the other night in my misery. I loathe this extra weight yet I cannot seem to stop stuffing food in my face at an alarming rate. I feel fragile and messed up and hopeless some days and wonder if things will ever get good again. I know Shane is worried about me, there is little he can do or say to make me feel better right now and I know my emotional state is keeping him at bay. I don't know whether all of this comes from coming off the meds, why I'm craving sugar the way I am right now, why I'm so tired and emotional. For the first time since we first lost Calvin, I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. I am so tired of feeling so down, so broken. It's so horrifying to me to feel this way, like I don't care whether I live or die anymore because I am so miserable. I think I may need to see my doctor...
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Dear Margaret, I am so sorry. I truly want to write what I think I would want to hear from my friends in such a time, but I don't know if there is a right thing to say.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking about you, and yes, you should see your doctor. I don't think they work magic, but maybe just to say everything that you have said in this one post to someone who can recommend something.
The way you articulate this all reiterates the fact that you are strong...you are a fighter.
If I can give my two cents, I would say to tackle the cravings and the weight issue will be manageable. Other than that, you can just tell me where to go, and I will not be insulted.
Big hugs, and lots of love.
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can certainly relate to weight issues. After having Nathan I lost 10 pounds, only to gain back 20. I had started my pregnancy with him already overweight and felt it was worth it because I was going to have a baby, when that didn't turn out the way I had intended I was extremely depressed and although the initial loss of him caused a weight loss, the ramped eating I was doing quickly brought all the weight back, and then some. As far as how your feeling about yourself, please know that you are loved and that everyone deals with grief and depression differently and you have an entire group of followers here that would rally around you in a heartbeat, you are a very special woman and who knows how this struggle in your life may help someone else who can't verbalize such things. I am finding that if I make an effort to eat healthy for breakfast I will continue my day eating healthy (although somedays I crave nothing but junk) You have to take things one day at a time so you don't overwhelm yourself. Also it may help to find an accountability partner, someone you share your goals with that can help keep you on track :) I'm sorry if this doesn't all make sense, as I'm thinking faster than I can type. Just know that you are loved and you are special, now matter how many pounds you gain.
ReplyDeleteMargaret - I am so sad to read this from my sweet, sweet friend. If only BC weren't 5 provinces away, I would be there in an instant if I could! Please remember and hang onto the abundance of love you have for your beautiful children. I can't tell you how often I think of you and am inspired by your beauty (inside and out) and grace. You, Calvin, Georgia and Lorelei have touched my heart and life in a profound way.
ReplyDeleteTake it easy on yourself... you will get there.
xo
Margaret, I'm so sorry for all the difficulties you are facing right now. Your choice to wean off the meds is inspiring, and although it is painful right now, I know that you are doing it out of love for your family and a willingness to face your grief. ((hugs))
ReplyDeletecrystal @Blessed to Be Broken
please please see your doctor.
ReplyDeletei'm thinking of you.
i'm sorry life is so, so hard for you.
I, too, wish that I could say something profound to help you feel better, but the right words sometimes just don't exist. I have been thinking about you often and wondering how you are doing...I wish you could tell us that things are going better. I respect your effort to get off your meds, especially in light of how difficult it has become and how consuming it can be. If you are feeling like you need to talk to your doctor regarding your feelings, you are probably right. Trust your gut and follow through with your thoughts. Thinking of you and hoping that you can find a good pick-me-up in the very near future. Please feel free to drop an email any time if you need to chat.
ReplyDeleteOh Margaret. I wish I had some good advice. Perhaps it is too much to fight a war on so many fronts all at once? With trying to get off the meds AND not gain weight AND grieve AND looking after your two girls and your husband. It would be far too much for anyone.
ReplyDeleteAs Lea says, take it easy on yourself. I have every faith in you Margaret. You are an amazing woman. x
Margaret, I too wish I had some good advice. I wish I could just come over and hug you right now. Just know that I am always thinking about you! I am here if you need me.
ReplyDeletexx
Margaret, I have to say what everyone else has said. I wish I had the right words to say and wish I could come and help or at least give you a big hug! I'm thinking of you. Do what feels right for you. If you think you should see your doctor just to tell someone your feelings, by all means do. I'm here for you and thinking of you every step of the way! XO
ReplyDeleteYes, please see your doctor. He can't fix this, but see him anyway. You are such a giving person, please keep hanging on for your family and your friends. We LOVE you and you have touched us all. You will tackle the weight later, that is not today's battle. Just get through the best you can. Love love love!!!
ReplyDeleteMargaret you are amazing,you helped me sooo much right after my loss,and i wish i could do something to help you right now.
ReplyDeleteI lost 10lbs after i had Angel and all of a sudden i have gained 25...
Go somewhere remote and scream scream scream at the top of your voice, even if it only makes you feel better for 5 minutes.
Well done for weaning off the meds,it takes such strength. The weight will also come off eventually...
Lots of hugsssssss xxxx
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I really think you should talk to your doctor. I'm pretty sure that the sugar cravings are from coming off the meds. There is a possibilty of so many side effects, including feeling emotionally unstable. The pain that the meds numbed you to, is going to come back full force. Perhaps you could wean a little more slowly, or go down to a less powerful narcotic for a while?
ReplyDeletePlease do what you need to do for yourself and be good to you. You can't tackle everything all at once. Take care of what you can manage and no more.
I'm cheering for you. You are a beautiful soul who's just having a really rough time. I know you'll come out of this even stronger and more determined.
Love you..xo
I'm sorry that you have gained the weight and have been feeling low. I would go see the dr and see what he says.
ReplyDeleteMargaret, sending so much love your way. I am so behind on my reading and wish I had seen this earlier. I know how low the lows can feel sometimes, and am praying that you feel the sun shining again. Please update and let us know how you are doing. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeletexx
Hi Margaret. Just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I hope that the last week was better than the preceding week, and I hope things are somehow looking up for you. Holding you in my thoughts... Hugs to you...
ReplyDelete