Today I Feel...

Saddened by how the loss of my son has affected every area of my life.

Scared about what tomorrow may bring and whether or not I will have the strength to face it.

Doubtful that my life will ever have any semblance of normalcy again.

Defective because my tubes are tied and I cannot naturally conceive again to give my husband the one thing he wants.

Powerless that I can't bring Calvin back.

Withdrawn from friends and family who have no idea what it feels like to be living suspended above hell.

Broken.

Today I feel like dying. I think my insides are already there...

There is no hope, and that in itself is devastating.

Like a failure. As a wife, as a mother, as a woman.

That I need someone to reach out and pull me back from the edge, because I feel my life spiralling downward.

Rage that I couldn't stop everything that happened, and that God has let me down.

Like crying, and I have been. All fucking day.

Six

It's been six years since I married the love of my life. Our wedding, six years ago today was one of the happiest moments of my life. Looking back on that day I remember the butterflies of excited, nervous anticipation as we took our vows and the feeling of exhiliaration once the moment had passed and I knew we were now joined for life. There was nothing to indicate that there would be anything but happiness in the years to come and the excitement of looking forward to our futures. Through everything we've been through together I still love Shane with all my heart. There is no one on earth I'd rather spend the rest of my life with. Today as I look back on my wedding day, it is with a feeling of certainty that Shane and I were meant to be together, that although we have endured much more in six years than any couple should have to endure in a lifetime, I love him for all that he has given me. My only hope is that the next six years of our life is filled with happiness and joy as we grow together out of the sadness that has come while trying to create our family. I have hope for us and above all else, we have love, for each other and for our children Lorelei, Georgia and Calvin. May God Bless our family with peace, good health and happiness for the rest of our lives.

More Fire, Getting Ready for Possible Evacuation

We just got a call from Shane's mom who heard that the mountain directly behind our house is on fire. We've had lightening all morning and very little rain. Fires are springing up everywhere. There is a new fire in the town of Naramata about fifteen minutes away from us and one in Summerland where Shane's parents live. I'm getting scared. Shane has driven off to find out if it is indeed true and I'm packing up our photo albums and precious mementos. More later....

Update: The lightening storm has seemed to have passed for now, and it looks like things are okay here. I do feel better though having packed up our precious mementos like our baby books, photo albums and some of Calvin's things. That way if we do end up having to get out, it's all ready. I don't think I'll feel at ease until the fire season is over or until we get a large quanity of rain. There are still fires in the valley but none are threatening our home thank God. I will say, when we got the call that Munson Mountain was on fire, we were both thrown into panic mode. Now that we know there is no fire on our hill and that we're ready if need be, I'm not nearly as worried as I was this afternoon. Thanks all for the wishes...Hugging you all!!!

North and South

There are three new fires nearby. Three are burning to the north of us and now there is one burning to the south of us. All three fires are within forty minutes of where I live. We are surrounded by thick smoke now, the air quality is so bad it looks like a blanket of fog has settled in over the valley. Lorelei arrived home safely today thank God, her grandparents took the route to the south to get her back home. Within two hours of her being dropped off, the highway to the south was closed because of a new forest fire. Sometimes I wonder what would happen, where we would go if we couldn't get out of town because the highways were closed. We'd probably have to either fly out or hitch a ride on someone's boat. It's a frightening thought. We came close to evacuation the year of the Okanagan Mountain Park fire, as the fire crept down the hillside towards town, the hospital was the first to be put on evacuation alert. It's scary. I remember the entire town being without power for two days during the fire that year. We sat up at Shane's parents house and watched across the lake as the fire burned down the mountainside. There, in the dark, we felt safe together. I feel an eerie sense of deja vu with this series of forest fires. I'm hoping that they're nowhere near as bad as in 2003, but as of today, there was still 0% containment on the Westbank fire. One of our friends has been evacuated twice now, the everchanging winds pushing the fire in all different directions. The wind has been a nightmare for the firefighters. Last night there were gusts up to 50km/hr and it is so dry here right now that the tiniest ember can spark a whole new fire. I'm worried. I'm worried for our friends and their homes but I'm also worried for us. Shane just put a bid in on a huge project in Westbank last week and we're hoping that the job doesn't burn down. If it does, then the project will have to rebuild and it will be months more before it reaches the finishing stage again. I worry too about what would happen to Calvin's grave if the fire ever came down this way. The thought of the ground where he's buried burning up is terrifying. I guess now, all we can do is pray for rain and hope that the wind dies down for the rest of the week. I'm hoping this isn't an indication of how my summer will be spent. Worrying and inside because of the bad air.

Forest Fire Season

On the weekend of my wedding six years ago, the Okanagan Mountain Park fire started. It was a devastating wildfire that burned out of control for two weeks before it was contained. Shane and I spent that summer cloaked in thick smoke, wiping ash off our windshields every morning to go to work. Yesterday, a wildfire broke out in the town of Westbank, half an hour away from us and within a couple of hours, had jumped the highway and was burning out of control. Several homes were destroyed, alot of Shane and I's friends have been evacuated. Please say a prayer for our friends, that their homes don't burn, for Shane and I so that we get through the summer without being affected by fire and for our daughter who is on vacation with her grandparents. Shane's parents drove through Westbank on the way to Calgary with our daughter on Friday, we called them to let them know the highway was closed in both directions and to take a different route back. I'm worried that with the fire hazard rating being extreme right now and the different fires that are popping up all over the place that something will prevent Lorelei from coming home. As I'm sitting here typing, all I can hear is the sound of water bombers flying overhead, dipping down to collect water from the lake. Please, pray for us in BC.

Baby of Mine

Georgia's milestones are coming fast and furious right now. She has now cut four teeth, started sitting, started crawling and is now standing. It feels like sand slipping from my fingers as I watch her babyhood melt away. I want it to stop. I need her to stay this way for awhile longer so that I can continue to hug and kiss her as often as I want, run my lips through her downy hair, stroke her little body while I'm feeding her and feel her nuzzle into my neck as she's drifting off to sleep. She's so perfectly lovely. Her skin is incredibly soft and there is nothing better than hearing her say mama as she lifts her arms up to reach for me. I'm so in love with this baby. In so many ways my heart is tender towards my youngest girl, she is my last baby, she is the other half of her brother and in alot of ways, she is me. She looks more like me than Lorelei did, in fact other than having my ears and my dad's hands and feet, Lorelei is all Shane. Georgia is so much more me, she looks so very much like me as a baby and she's very mellow and smiley. Her temper is a wonder to behold when she gets there but it takes her a good while to get mad enough to let it show. She has me completely wrapped around every one of her chubby fingers, I would do anything for her. In a way, I feel like I'm beginning to mourn the loss of her babyhood, because it's going by so quickly now. I remember the time when Lorelei became more independent and wanted to do things more her way. She stopped seeking my approval all the time, stopped needing me to the basic things for her that I had always done and it stung a little. It stings now tenfold because unless we adopt or do IVF, Georgia will be my last child. I love having her depend on me to feed her, change her and lift her up. I have enjoyed experiencing things with her that I never got to do with Lorelei. When Lorelei was first born, because she was premature and so tiny, the doctors admonished me to handle her as little as possible. They were afraid that too much stimulation would burn calories and she couldn't afford to lose any more weight than she already had. Georgia was with me from the delivery room on, in fact I held her more in the first few days of her life then I held Lorelei in the first month. My girls are growing so fast and I don't know how to stop time from passing by so quickly. Shane and I discussed how I've been feeling about this tonight and we both agree that I probably wouldn't be feeling so much angst if Calvin were here with us. Our family would be complete and I would be able to enjoy watching our twins achieve their milestones without that feeling of doom that I would never be able to have more children. Because if my son were here, I wouldn't want any more. If he were here with us, instead of mourning the loss of my fertility, I would be celebrating our family and revelling in our babies progress. I miss him so much. I miss the possibility of his life and being able to measure his achievements against his twin's. Now as I watch my Georgia grow all too quickly, all I can do is wonder. Wonder if he would be doing all the things she is doing right now. Wonder if his heart surgery would have held him back developmentally. Wonder if he would prefer me like Georgia does. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine them playing together, chewing blocks or batting at a dangly toy across from each other. It makes me smile but it also makes me sad. Lorelei is so intune with my feelings alot of the time that she constantly asks me if I wanted a "little girl, little girl, little boy..." because she senses that I don't feel complete without Calvin. She's insecure because I love Georgia, worried that because I love her sister then I can't possibly love her. I do love her. I love her more than anything, but with Lorelei, I accepted her growing up because I knew we would have more babies. It's different with Georgia and very hard to accept, because she is my last child. Oh God, I want more babies....

The Rainbow Baby

There has been lots of talk amongst the blogs lately about rainbow babies, the baby that comes after your loss. I know alot of the other mothers are wanting to have another baby, in fact my blog friends Lea, Sally and Mirne are pregnant as we speak with their rainbow babies. I've been obsessed with having another baby lately. Maybe it's because Georgia is growing so fast and I know she will be our last child. Maybe it's because I'm in mourning over the loss of my fertility after having my tubes tied when the twins were born. I don't know. In a way, Georgia was my rainbow baby. While letting go of Calvin, I still had his beautiful twin sister to care for. It wasn't possible for me to take some time, avoid babies and grieve. I cried my loss while holding her, while nursing her and at night as I rocked her. I have loved this baby more than I ever thought possible with a deeper, more nurturing love than I had with Lorelei. Don't get me wrong, I love Lorelei so much that I would do anything for her, she is my firstborn, my miracle. She was, however, a very non-cuddly, independent baby who became daddy's girl from the get-go, preferring him to me. Georgia on the other hand wants me and only me most of the time. She cries if I walk by her and don't pick her up when she's smiling at me. Her first word was mama, where Lorelei's was dada. I don't want her babyhood to end, she's growing too fast. I want nothing more than a houseful of cribs with chubby content babies sleeping in them. I told Shane that if we ever won the lottery, I would want to travel to India for IVF with about six Indian surrogates. That way, I'm sure we could bring home at least two more babies...It's actually my dream right now to travel to India for the surrogacy programs they offer. It is extremely affordable and it benefits not only the couples struggling to have a baby, but the surrogate and their families as well. That and adoption seem to be our only routes right now. I have also checked into a program in the States that adopts "dumpster babies" out to rescue families. They have adopted out over six hundred unwanted babies to the US and Canada over the last few years. However, because of the Hague treaty signed in 2008, Canadians have a harder time adopting from the US. There is more paperwork, more fees, and more red tape. Overall, to adopt a child from the US costs approximately $30,000.00 and that's without the agency charging a fee. Maybe I'm just greedy. I had my rainbow baby, but I want another. I'm not sure if it will ever happen for us but maybe, just maybe it will.