To Winter
3 years ago
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Rainbow Baby
There has been lots of talk amongst the blogs lately about rainbow babies, the baby that comes after your loss. I know alot of the other mothers are wanting to have another baby, in fact my blog friends Lea, Sally and Mirne are pregnant as we speak with their rainbow babies. I've been obsessed with having another baby lately. Maybe it's because Georgia is growing so fast and I know she will be our last child. Maybe it's because I'm in mourning over the loss of my fertility after having my tubes tied when the twins were born. I don't know. In a way, Georgia was my rainbow baby. While letting go of Calvin, I still had his beautiful twin sister to care for. It wasn't possible for me to take some time, avoid babies and grieve. I cried my loss while holding her, while nursing her and at night as I rocked her. I have loved this baby more than I ever thought possible with a deeper, more nurturing love than I had with Lorelei. Don't get me wrong, I love Lorelei so much that I would do anything for her, she is my firstborn, my miracle. She was, however, a very non-cuddly, independent baby who became daddy's girl from the get-go, preferring him to me. Georgia on the other hand wants me and only me most of the time. She cries if I walk by her and don't pick her up when she's smiling at me. Her first word was mama, where Lorelei's was dada. I don't want her babyhood to end, she's growing too fast. I want nothing more than a houseful of cribs with chubby content babies sleeping in them. I told Shane that if we ever won the lottery, I would want to travel to India for IVF with about six Indian surrogates. That way, I'm sure we could bring home at least two more babies...It's actually my dream right now to travel to India for the surrogacy programs they offer. It is extremely affordable and it benefits not only the couples struggling to have a baby, but the surrogate and their families as well. That and adoption seem to be our only routes right now. I have also checked into a program in the States that adopts "dumpster babies" out to rescue families. They have adopted out over six hundred unwanted babies to the US and Canada over the last few years. However, because of the Hague treaty signed in 2008, Canadians have a harder time adopting from the US. There is more paperwork, more fees, and more red tape. Overall, to adopt a child from the US costs approximately $30,000.00 and that's without the agency charging a fee. Maybe I'm just greedy. I had my rainbow baby, but I want another. I'm not sure if it will ever happen for us but maybe, just maybe it will.
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It has been on my mind too, babies. I was floored when I found out how much an adoption costs, I was really into the idea until I found that out.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I think we have found out (the positive and the negative) is that we never know what the future will bring like you said, "I'm not sure if it will ever happen for us but maybe, just maybe it will."
Keep an open heart.
I suppose for us the decision to try for a "rainbow" was very clear-cut and simple. We wanted a living child at home. We wanted to reclaim our parenthood, that we lost when we lost her. I can only imagine how muddy the decision becomes when you do indeed have other kids at home, even though none of us will ever feel finished or complete when we have one or more of our babies waiting in heaven for us. And for you, I know this is super complicated again when we're talking about tied tubes and having to look at other options to parent a child.
ReplyDeleteWhatever happens though, we'll all be here for you along the way.
I don't think you are greedy. Some days I want as many babies as I can cram into the house.
ReplyDeleteAnd I must admit I think about trying to have another baby more and more frequently as people who started this sucky journey with us fall pregnant. I know that is complicated for you and Shane but, as you say, maybe it will happen and as, Shanti Mama says, we never know what the future holds. You and Shane are such very lovely parents. It made me laugh to think of Georgia sulking to herself when you go by without picking her up.
I think I am starting to get back some of my excitement over pregnany announcements, especially when it one of the 'baby lost'.
They make my heart lift somehow. xx
Whatever happens, we'll be here for you. Sending you much love. xo
ReplyDeleteMy baby Akul was an IVF baby....so wanted. I am in my 40s and Akul was my first. I do not know if I will have another baby. I do not even know if it is advisable for me to even try. I feel so defeated. Sometimes I sit and think why is it so hard for me to have something that others take for granted? I have only asked to have a normal home but that too was not for me. I know that no child can ever take the place of the one we lost, but a house without a child is like a cemetary...quiet and sad.
ReplyDeleteHoping for you.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of guilt over feeling selfish for wanting more children after the death of my son since I have an older living daughter. I've struggled with that a lot these past several months. Wondering if other parents in dead baby land thought I was a jerk for not feeling content to at least have a living child. But I too want a room full of cribs. I want to be able to have as many babies as I WANT and not have them stolen from me, or be told my time is over, and have the universe refuse to give me another baby, or have to wait for my DH to get on board for another round. I too feel defeated, before I'd even really got started. To think you're too young to have a baby with Downs, and then he's taken anyway. Expired. Eggs gone bad.
ReplyDeleteIts so sad that we mourn the loss of our baby, but also the dream we had for our family that included that baby or a certain number of babies. I worry that I'll never have a little girl again. I know I'd feel so lucky just to have a living baby in my arms, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'll get a girl again.
ReplyDeleteI will go to India with you. I'd love to have a surrogate since my loss was most likely due to my bum cervix. I'm also interested in an IVF vacation. I have a cousin in Prague and they seem to have a pretty good program there too. Oh, if I only had unlimited amounts of money...