Lullaby

Yesterday, a girlfriend and I decided to drive out of town to another city for a day of shopping and fun. She asked me to bring some music the night before we went and I had every intention of burning a CD but I forgot. When she showed up to pick me up, I remembered that I hadn't burned us a disc to listen to on the way so I decided to check my car for some music. I haven't actually driven my car since I was pregnant, Shane bought me a minivan a couple of days after we had the twins and my Toyota has been parked ever since. Anyhow, as I was rooting through the glovebox of my car, I came across a CD I had bought when I was pregnant. It was a CD of lullabies for babies. I remember listening to it for the first time after I had found out about Calvin's heart defect and the music had made me cry. I wasn't sure at that time whether he would ever get to hear it as he drifted off to sleep and the possibility that he wouldn't was too much for me to bear, so I had shoved it into my glovebox where it sat for almost a year until yesterday. Tonight I played it for Georgia as she was falling asleep and it was beautiful to listen to. There are certain songs I have a hard time listening to, mostly because they were playing in the private room in the ICU as Calvin died. Funny how a moment can change how you feel about something forever. Nevertheless, I am glad I put it in and played it for my baby girl. When I first bought the CD, I had pictured it playing in the twins room as they snuggled down to sleep in their cribs with me watching them sleep by nightlight. So many things have not gone the way I imagined they would be and it's hard to let go of certain dreams. While we were away, my sister in law and her husband had redone Lorelei's bedroom as a nursery for the twins complete with new curtains, paint, and wall decorations. They had moved the cribs across from each other with the change table in between and Susan had painted on the wall..."All because two people loved each other..." It was such a beautiful room done in soft greens and cream. When we first got home and I saw it for the first time set up with both cribs, I knew I couldn't put Georgia in there alone. So she sleeps in our room and has since we moved home but since listening to that CD tonight, it has reawakened a dream for me, to have her in that beautiful room with a soft light and tender music playing her to sleep. The only thing missing is her brother, but I think I want her to have that. I think I'm getting ready to put her in her bedroom now even though I thought at one time that I could never do it. Maybe this is progress...