In the Mail...

I mailed out my copies of Calvin's memorial book to his doctors today and I'm a little nervous about it. I'm not sure what type of reaction I'll get or if I'll get any at all. I had discussed sending the book previously with Dr. C and Dr. S but it took me so damn long to finish it that I'm sure they've either forgotten it was coming or didn't believe me anymore...LOL. I'm scared. That book contains some of the most private pictures my husband and I own, pictures not even our families have seen. There are pictures of our son as he lay dying in our arms, pictures of him in his casket, pictures of Shane and I the most heartbroken we have ever been in our lives. It's something I feel intensely private about but at the same time because our doctors were such a part of our whole experience, it was something I wanted to share. I also wanted to make sure that neither of them forgot Calvin or how much we loved him. I wanted it to reaffirm for them that this is why they do what they do. Why their work is so important. I wanted them to know how grateful we are to them for all they did for us and for our son and to let them know how much we love them for it. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that my offering of love to them, a raw, honest look into our lives and our most private pain will not mean anything to them, or that they may not know what to say to me (us) about the contents of the book. I'm scared that it might hurt them too, that seeing Calvin like that may bring them both back into the moments where they had to tell us he wouldn't live, that they will have to relive it all over again. It's so fucked up, the way I feel about the doctors, especially Dr. C, I think about him everyday. I'm in awe of him, in total utter admiration of the man, and I don't know him outside of the six days Calvin lived. He made such a difference in my life in those six days, his kindness completely changed my opinion about the medical profession. I think I'm also drawn to him because he knew my son, and I can't say that about anybody really. He spent the most time with Calvin, even more than I did or Shane did and I am so grateful for his devotion in looking after my baby. There were times I wanted to throw myself down at his feet with tears of love and thankfulness for all that he did, all that he sacrificed to try to save our son. I wish I could tell him without it being weird or awkward. Sending him our book was the only way I could think of to honour his place in our experience. I hope that when the doctors get the books, they realize we shared because of how much they meant to us and always will. They're heroes, and will always be in our eyes.