Monday, July 5, 2010

What's Been Going On Here

Well it's been a terribly long time since I last blogged, truthfully my mind has been elsewhere these past couple of months. Getting off painkillers has been rewarding but has also come with a downside. While I am clearheaded now and able to enjoy my days with the girls with no memory gaps or feeling unmotivated, the lack of fog made some of my memories hard to deal with. The emotions involved in Calvin's death and the chaos that came in it's wake are still very real, very strong and on some days very hard to cope with. It's amazing to me that over eighteen months later I could still feel the sadness as strongly as the day he took his last breath in my arms. It's been overwhelming at times, these rushes of sadness that rear their heads when I'm least expecting it. I've gone to the cemetery more in the last two months than I have since my son died. It's not a bad thing though, I find I'm communicating with Calvin about my feelings alot more than I was and that talking to him is a good release. I've also been finding small comfort in cleaning his headstone, making sure his flowers are still living and just spending quiet time alone with my son. I need it. I find I'm needing time with just him, to talk, to grieve, to assuage my guilt.

We are also struggling financially right now and it's been a tough few months. Shane's business hasn't been going well since we lost Calvin and since the recession hit. We've had to cut back our lifestyle and eliminate alot of luxuries, even some necessities to make ends meet lately. It sucks. I've been feeling pretty stressed about money, one burden I haven't had to worry about for a long time now and I dislike how I feel when I'm constantly worrying about bills. There has also been added pressure from family to participate in things we can't really afford which has added to the stress. It's hard to say no when you're being asked to do something especially when help is offered but you know they don't see the entire picture. Yes, we may not spend any money on hotels but there is the expense of food, parking, gas, lost wages etc. that we need to look at as well. Unfortunately Shane lost out on some work at a resort because we felt pressured by family to take a trip. Learning to be assertive and not feel like I'm being a party-pooper if I say no is going to be tough, but we are now in a no choice position. I hate feeling this way but I know if we don't do everything we can to ease ourselves through these tough times it's going to be harder in the longrun for our family.

This past week we also had some friends come in from out of town to visit which was a welcome break from my self pity party. They pitched a tent in the backyard, bought their own food and drink and basically "camped" at our house for a week. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much, and it was good to get out of myself again. And while I was truly sorry to see our friends pack up and leave, at the same time it was nice to get back into our routine with the girls after they were gone. So far the weather has been completely crappy and we haven't been able to enjoy alot of our summer yet, in fact it's rained out here for eight weeks straight give or take a few days here and there. The weather alone I'm sure has contributed to my feeling of melancholy, who needs to wear a sweater in July? Lol....Anyhow, I'm holding out hope for some sun and being able to do all the free wonderful things you can do in the summer like going to the beach with the kids. Taking them to the park and sitting in the backyard watching them play in the sprinkler. The girls are growing so fast right now, changing daily before my very eyes and it's these precious days with them that I want to make memories, despite the fact that we are struggling financially right now.

Overall, while some things are better, coping with a new reality has been my biggest hurdle lately. Trying to stay positive and hopeful that things will get better for our family is my main focus right now and although I've been very much out of touch with some of you, I do think about you and your babies and want you all to know you hold a special place in my heart. Always.


  1. It's good to hear from you and about you and the family. So very, very glad that you have been able to overcome the painkillers - while I can't relate first hand, I know that it was a very difficult process for you. I hope that the return of the emotions is not something that continues to knock you down... It sounds like the visit from your friends was just what you needed. Now a little sunshine and you will be all set!

    I can relate to the financial stresses. I have been self employed for the last 5 1/2 years, and while I know that business continues to grow and move in a positive direction, the financial stresses can quickly pull you under. It is difficult for others to understand. For me, it has been most difficult to make people understand that there is no such thing as paid vacation or sick paid bereavement time and no such thing as a leave of absence.

    Hoping that the coming weeks and months treat you well....thinking of you!!

  2. Even though you have been quiet ~ I have been thinking about you. I understand about financial issues and how you have to change your lifestyle. It is hard, and ~ well, it just stinks. I hope that you get some good weather...sometimes sunshine helps:)

  3. I have been praying that you have been having better days. I also understand the financial worries as E has been out of work for months. I know you have made the right decisions and I hope that soon you will find some relief.

    I am so glad that you have been building a better relationship with your family and Calvin. To hear that you are laughing again makes me smile with you.

  4. it's good to hear from you, but i definitely understand your need to take care of your family and yourself. i'm glad you're able to find comfort in talking to calvin and taking care of his headstone during your visits to the cemetery and that you were able to enjoy the time with your friends camping in the backyard.

    i'm really sorry about the pressure you've been getting from the family, and hope they can be more understanding that time-off is money lost and just traveling is already expensive. wishing you lots of luck with saying "no."

    i hope the weather eases up already so you can enjoy running around at the beach with your girls.


  5. M - I've been thinking about you too. I'm glad to hear that, even though it hasn't been easy, you are learning to cope and make good choices. Keep on, keepin' on. It makes me smile to think of you getting some quiet alone time with your Calvin. One of the best things about kids is that there are lots and lots and lots of fun free things to do with them. Keep a list of the activities that you can do without paying a dime, pack a picnic. I think Summer is finally here in the NW in the next few weeks! :) I'm so glad to hear that you had a week of laughter. What good medicine that can be. Love to you!

  6. I have been wondering how you have been getting on Margaret and it is good to hear from you again. I'm glad that you've got off the pain killers but sorry that it has brought back so many painful memories.
    Th friends camping at your house sounds fun and I hope you get some sunshine soon. x

  7. Good to hear from you again. Like all the others have said, I'm glad you have been able to get off of the painkillers, but sorry it has come with such an emotional ride as well. Sounds like you had a nice week though! I've been thinking of you and Calvin, as always. (((HUGS))))

  8. Good to hear from you Margaret. I think you have done so amazingly well leaving behind the pain meds. I can appreciate that it brings with it new waves of grief. I wish you peace as you juggle your grief and your financial worries and the joy you have in your girls.

  9. I think about you often and you hold a very special place in my heart too...what would I have done without you all!!!

  10. Missed you Margaret. Glad you're back and better without the meds. Hoping for peace and blessings for your family.