Sunday, August 15, 2010

Today I Wept

It's been so long since I've blogged that when I sat down and actually thought about it this morning I realized it was because I've been living again, enjoying my summer and seeing friends and loved ones more frequently. It's been a nice feeling and one that I've learned to enjoy and accept for what it is with little guilt or regret. I've been to visit Calvin more often in the past few months than ever before and the quiet time I share with my son at his grave has become important in my healing. I miss him alot. And while I think of Calvin everyday, often several times over the course of my day, it's not often that I speak of him anymore. Not in any depth anyways until today. As I was chatting with a friend on the phone today, the subject of God was raised, my friend professing to not believe. Having struggled with my own personal beliefs in God since losing Calvin, I posed the question "So where do you think we go when we die?"

Asking this question brought me back to my own desperate wish to believe in God and His Kingdom following Calvin's death. As I walked backwards down the road of my childhood and the values I was raised with I realized that as a child I had never questioned God's existence, it was something I accepted as part of my life. It wasn't until I started losing people I loved that I began to question first God's goodness, second His existence. As I started to explain to my friend that as a mother who has lost her child, my desperate wish to believe in Heaven simply so that I may one day see my beautiful boy again, the tears began to fall. The next thing I knew, I was sobbing. Because I do want to believe. Because I do miss Calvin more than I realize at times and that there are so few people that I truly speak indepth with about him. Because it had been so long since the last time I cried that the floodgates were opened and all the hurt and doubt and fear came pouring out into that sympathetic ear. After explaining my want to believe and the struggle I've had with my faith, I asked another question...."Where do you go when you truly need comfort?" My answer to that question was to God. To church. To a place where I can lay my deepest sorrows in the Hands of the Creator and trust that in time things will work themselves out. I recalled days of being overcome with sorrow where I would find myself in a pew at the church praying, asking God to please, please just make things better for me and I realized that while God has never made any direct promises to me, that in whatever situation I had found myself in seeking God's guidance, that things eventually always got better. Things HAVE been better in my life, better than they have been in almost two years yet the pain is still there just under the surface waiting to be reawakened again. Surprising but not. Given a mother's love for her child and it's infinite boundaries, I expect the pain to be as just as limitless. Perhaps all I needed to feel that rush of pain, that rush of sweet sorrow and longing for my son was to open my heart back up to believing. Perhaps the comfort I seek in God is disguised in pain, having to feel it, eat it, sleep it, breathe it before healing can begin. Perhaps this is yet another message reconnecting me to the sorrow, reaffirming my need for spiritual direction and guidance. Maybe this was God's Hand gently guiding me I wept for my son and oddly it felt good.


  1. I am glad to hear your post...mostly because I have been wondering how you are and what you have been up to. Living LIFE is a wonderful thing and I am glad that you are doing it. I have not gotten there quite yet, but I feel it coming.

    God's ways are always good...even when we don't get it or understand. I love how you said "God's Hand gently guiding me I wept for my son and oddly it felt good." I can see how that is all possibly now.

  2. Margaret, I thought I already commented on this post but I probably was waiting to think of just the right thing to say. Since that doesn't exist, I wanted to comment anyway.

    God loves you so much baby girl! I know you mentioned the 'The Shack' was helpful to you in understanding God's love in a loss, perhaps a re-read with time passed might be good. I know I finished in about three days.

    God has good things in store for you. He understands every single thing about you and who you are and why you are questioning His existence. And He love love loves you anyway. More than anything, more than you can even ever fathom. As long as we can try and grasp His heart, it will us in times when we don't understand what His Hand is doing.

    I'm happy you are living. I'm happy you are weeping. I'm happy you are finding quiet moments with Calvin. I'm happy that you can feel God's nudging and remembering a need in your heart for Him.

    I'm happy that I'm privileged enough to "know" you and to follow your journey, and hear about Calvin along the way.

    Enjoy your day, sweetie.

  3. Margaret,

    I am so glad you have been absent online because you have become more present offline- your life is letting you back in! I've been checking your blog and wondering.


  4. God promises to hold us, even when everything falls. Things may not always go how we want them or even go good at all. In life there is alot of pain and sorrow, but He is always there, holding us. I pray for you Margaret and Shane, that you not only feel Him holding you and your lives, but that one day you will hold all your children again and know that God was holding them the whole time you couldn't. Draw near to Him and He will provide a stream in the desert.