2011...A Year of Change

I have a feeling this year will be a year of upheaval and change for me. Not necessarily a bad thing but for someone who has issues dealing with change, it's going to knock me out of my comfort zone. Shane and I are moving. We've decided to move to another province, where the cost of living is lower and where we can actually afford to buy our own home. I've decided to go back to school once we're settled, and pursue a degree in nursing hoping eventually to specialize in either pediatrics or labour and delivery. It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time. We are taking a huge chance in moving away from friends and family and shutting down the business that has sustained us since Lorelei's birth in 2005. It feels right. I owe my children so much more then I have been able to provide for them and the last two years have been extremely difficult for us financially. Although our children are not aware of how bad things have been for us, the stress of trying to provide enough food and keep our shelter has worn me out emotionally. My marriage has suffered and in return, I haven't been the most attentive mother I could have been. My mother's gift is going to provide so much for our family, and I am so grateful. Where we are looking to move, we can purchase a home outright for under 300K. Which will leave me with enough money to take the five years it will take to get my degree in nursing. That's huge. With the economy in BC being as rocky as it's been for the last few years, the construction industry has lost it's appeal for us. I'm tired of being underbid, underpaid and generally under appreciated. I am also tired of relying on my husband to support our family. It's caused too many problems between us and left me feeling powerless and resentful during the hard times. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to be able to have a career that will carry us through the hard times, when things aren't going well for Shane in business and I want to be able to not worry constantly about finances. Not having to worry about the cost of shelter will be an enormous relief for us and I am excited about finally having a place I can call my own. The positives of these changes far outweigh the negatives...even though it means leaving Calvin behind. We won't go until my mother is buried with him and we will continue to pay the reservation fees for the plot next to our son so that eventually we will lay beside him for eternity. However, I have that mother's guilt...the nagging voice that tells me I'm a terrible mother for moving away from my son's grave. It's not going to be easy and I'm sure I will question many, many times whether we're doing the right thing, however I know this is what I need to do for Lorelei and Georgia to give them the stability growing up that they deserve. After all we have been through as a family, I owe my children a stable home and a life not dictated by being broke all the time. It's a change I very much look forward to...and I'll be keeping you posted as things progress for us. All my love...