Wednesday, January 12, 2011

2011...A Year of Change

I have a feeling this year will be a year of upheaval and change for me. Not necessarily a bad thing but for someone who has issues dealing with change, it's going to knock me out of my comfort zone. Shane and I are moving. We've decided to move to another province, where the cost of living is lower and where we can actually afford to buy our own home. I've decided to go back to school once we're settled, and pursue a degree in nursing hoping eventually to specialize in either pediatrics or labour and delivery. It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time. We are taking a huge chance in moving away from friends and family and shutting down the business that has sustained us since Lorelei's birth in 2005. It feels right. I owe my children so much more then I have been able to provide for them and the last two years have been extremely difficult for us financially. Although our children are not aware of how bad things have been for us, the stress of trying to provide enough food and keep our shelter has worn me out emotionally. My marriage has suffered and in return, I haven't been the most attentive mother I could have been. My mother's gift is going to provide so much for our family, and I am so grateful. Where we are looking to move, we can purchase a home outright for under 300K. Which will leave me with enough money to take the five years it will take to get my degree in nursing. That's huge. With the economy in BC being as rocky as it's been for the last few years, the construction industry has lost it's appeal for us. I'm tired of being underbid, underpaid and generally under appreciated. I am also tired of relying on my husband to support our family. It's caused too many problems between us and left me feeling powerless and resentful during the hard times. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to be able to have a career that will carry us through the hard times, when things aren't going well for Shane in business and I want to be able to not worry constantly about finances. Not having to worry about the cost of shelter will be an enormous relief for us and I am excited about finally having a place I can call my own. The positives of these changes far outweigh the negatives...even though it means leaving Calvin behind. We won't go until my mother is buried with him and we will continue to pay the reservation fees for the plot next to our son so that eventually we will lay beside him for eternity. However, I have that mother's guilt...the nagging voice that tells me I'm a terrible mother for moving away from my son's grave. It's not going to be easy and I'm sure I will question many, many times whether we're doing the right thing, however I know this is what I need to do for Lorelei and Georgia to give them the stability growing up that they deserve. After all we have been through as a family, I owe my children a stable home and a life not dictated by being broke all the time. It's a change I very much look forward to...and I'll be keeping you posted as things progress for us. All my love...

10 comments:

  1. We had to leave our daughter Rachel's grave in Ontario when we moved to BC. I have a friend there who checks on it and takes photos to send to me...are you able to ask someone to do that for you? I find it helps on anniversaries and birthdays, to know she is thought of and her grave tended. It's not easy for me to not be able to go myself, but having my friend do that does help.
    Wishing you all the best as you go through these changes!

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  2. I hope the move helps you and going back to school is a wonderful idea. If you happen to be coming to Alberta, let me know and maybe we can get together. Hugz!

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  3. Good luck, Margaret. I'm excited to follow you and find out what is on the Horizon for your family. I know I owe you a long email-soon, I promise, I want to hear more. I think of you often, and I love you dearly. Always in my thoughts, best of luck sweetie! Please don't feel guilty, you are a great mommy!

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  4. Yes Lareina, we are moving to Alberta, most likely Red Deer. I'm not sure how to get ahold of you but I would love to get together once we are settled. xo

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  5. Margaret, I am so happy to hear the hope in your voice again. I am going to pray for you and hope everything that is going to go on in the next year works out.

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  6. Margaret, all those plans sound so promising and exciting. I know I don't "know" you but, from the way you write here, you'll be a great nurse: caring and compassionate.

    I can imagine how hard it will be to leave Calvin's grave behind - it's a little extra tie keeping us where we are too - but you're not leaving him. You take him with you in your heart.

    I pray it all goes smoothly.

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  7. Those are huge changes Margaret.

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  8. Sending you lots of love and wishing lots of good things as you make these changes. Calvin will always be with you, though I know the physical spaces also matter so much, you are not leaving your son behind. {hugs}

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  9. Just wanting to wish you luck in 2011. I hope it brings amazing, positive changes for you. You deserve so much happiness.

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  10. Oh, Margaret. What a huge decision - and I totally get this because my husband's industry has likewise been hit so hard here in BC that he's applied for a job in AB.... I'm so not wanting to leave and hoping we can stay put. Guess we'll see. I'm sorry that leaving Calvin's resting place is part of this change. I hope you do have someone who can visit and take pics for you as Lisa said. If we don't end up pulling up stakes and you don't have someone, I would gladly make the drive for you. (((Hugs)))

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