Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Joy and Sorrow...

Seems like I just can't have one without the other. I'm emotional lately, seems like there are so many beautiful babies , rainbow babies being born in the loss community. And I am joyful, oh so joyful for their safe arrivals into loving arms who have waited an eternity to mother them. These babies and their mothers certainly have a special place in my heart and I have shed many, many tears of joy upon reading of another new arrival. However......with this joy comes an old sorrow, this persistent longing for another babe of my own to cradle in my arms, another chance to smell the delicious scent of newborn skin and hair. I'm feeling sorry for myself in a most pitiful way. Sorry I tied my tubes. Sorry for my age and all the worry that comes with it when one is thinking about conceiving, sorry for my son and my missed opportunity to mother twins. I feel selfish and ugly for feeling these things and I wish to hell I didn't. Because I don't begrudge ANY momma their babies, I just want another one of my OWN. It really stinks, this land of indecision. I can afford IVF now but I'm so very AFRAID of what might happen and what would happen to me in the aftermath of another loss but the calling to be uncomfortable and full of rolling, stretching baby is overwhelming me and I wonder just how on earth they all did it. How do you say goodbye to your precious child and then find the courage and the strength to overcome the fear and sadness to try again. And in some cases, again and again. I wonder if the price I'd pay for this longing would end up being my emotional wellbeing in the end, but then again I don't feel emotionally well NOW. I feel incomplete. I want another baby but I am terrified to take a chance to go through with the steps it will take to get to what I want. What if it fails? What if I produce another child who has a defect that costs him or her their life again? What if I CAN'T get pregnant anymore, even with IVF? The more I try not to think about it and just live my life, the more rainbow babies seem to be arriving....and while I know it's far from true, I feel like I am the ONLY one who has lost a child and then not gone on to have another. I am so very, very torn. And while yes, I am very full of joy for you all, I am at the same time filled with my own sorrow and longing. I miss my son. To this day I miss him with every beat of my heart. Time hasn't healed me, it's merely given me a reprieve in between moments of gutwrenching pain. I think I'm beginning to realize it will probably always be this way although the moments in between will continue to grow further and further apart. This stinks. I wish I could just push it all away and celebrate for you my friends, without that pain twisting in my gut and the echoes in my head of what could have been.....


  1. Margaret, I'm so sorry. Time in our case is something that doesn't matter because I don't think 'time' will ever heal the loss of a child. I completely understand what you are saying that with every rainbow you see, while you feel happiness, it also brings back your grief too. I wish I had something better to say, but I've been thinking of you lots and get what you're saying. Just know you're entitled to all of the feelings you are feeling and I'm always here for you. XO

  2. I really love what you wrote - "Time hasn't healed me, it's merely given me a reprieve in between moments of gutwrenching pain." That seems much more accurate.

    I can relate to what you feel, that mix of joy and sorrow. I remember feeling so sad last year, feeling like I was the only one not getting pregnant. And now that these babies are being born, and after losing my third, I wonder if I will ever hold a living child.

    The desire to get pregnant and hold that precious life is a really strong one, but I am also overcome with fear and terror.

    Hopefully, your hope and desire soon outweigh your fear, and you are able to move forward and have another baby. That is my wish for you.


  3. I like the description of the reprieve.

    I am sorry that this is so very hard. I have always thought you have such grace and dignity responding to those of us with rainbows and I thnak you for that. I wish with all my heart that you might find the right path for you - and I'd love there to be a rainbow at the end of it.

  4. Margaret, I know that the answer isn't simple for you. I hope whatever you do, you find a rainbow at the end, full of peace and joy.
    I love you!

  5. Sending you HUGS and letting you know I have wondered all those things too. xo