Saturday, August 20, 2011

Coming Apart at the Seams

I've been MIA from my blog, from my email friends and from FB. There has been so much going on in my life lately, I don't know where to start. But to make it simple, I'll start here....I'm coming apart at the seams. I should be better by now, shouldn't I? Well I'm far from okay lately. I think I may have post traumatic stress disorder and while I'll spare you the appalling details, I'm suffering from nightmares. Extreme nightmares where I scream and thrash about and wake up my husband. I've ground my teeth so much lately I've chipped the front ones noticeably. And I feel like crying alot. I've had to step back and take a break from all of "this world" and it's pain. I simply cannot cope right now without losing my marbles completely. I feel terrible, like an unreliable friend and I just wanted you all to know that it's not for lack of caring that I've disappeared. I'm starting to lose my stuffing and it's falling out so fast I can't stuff it back in quick enough right now. The term barely hanging on by a thread describes me to a tee and I'm sure if I don't get in to see someone soon I'm gonna end up taking a medically induced vacation. Sorry guys. Thought I was dealing with things better than I am. Realizing just how fucked up I am right now has been hard. Avoidance has kept me together for the most part but hasn't solved anything that I'm gonna have to deal with and before I grind my teeth down to little nubs of nothingness I wanted you all to know I love you and miss talking with you, miss the closeness of sisterhood I feel when I am keeping in touch. However, I tend to isolate like I've got the plague when I'm down and it truly is just me and always has been. And I know I'm going to really need some support here soon. So I thought I'd check in and let you all know I haven't checked out quite yet but I have some shit to get dealt with before I completely end up hollow. Please think of me from time to time and send some positive vibes my way.

11 comments:

  1. Margaret, I HAVE missed you! I would not doubt that you have PTSD. I hope that you find a doctor or counselor (or both) who can help you and bring some relief. I went down a long trip with depression after Meredith died. If I can help you in any way, please let me know on FB or email - sboyette@tx.rr.com. (((HUGS))) & prayers.

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  2. Oh margaret, I do think of you and have wondered what's going on for a long time now. I wish this update brought better news. Barely hanging on is about where I'm at too. Makes me sad to think about how many of us are really struggling. I have the teeth grinding problem too and suffer headaches and faceaches from it all. So I feel some of your pain but not all that you've been going through. We will all be here for you when you come back in need of support. Xo ~lindsay

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  3. I'm so sorry that you are going through so much right now, and I hope you find the care and support you need soon so you can find some relief from the effects of this trauma. There is no "by now," so I hope you don't feel the added pressure to rush yourself through healing. Thinking of you, sending positive vibes and prayers, and always remembering your Calvin. ((hugs))

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  4. Many, many good thoughts your way. xo Calvin xo

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  5. Oh Margaret, I am so sorry that things are really rough for you right now. FWIW, you have always been one of the most loving, caring supportive members of this sisterhood and, if you need to step away to deal with the shit that babyloss keeps throwing at us, then you should never need to apologise or justify that. We will always be here for you when you need us to be.

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  6. Margaret, thinking about you and wondering how you are, right now, today. Have you decided to get someone to help you? I am hoping that you reached out, asked for help somewhere in your real world. Loving you.

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  7. I will most definitely be thinking of you and sending many positive vibes your way. Hoping that you can get the help you need to better deal with everything. Maybe a mouth guard for the teeth grinding? That's the only thing I can really suggest to help in a small way.

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  8. If you ever want to talk I am here. I totally get the hell that is PTSD. Sending you so so much love and support and just massive hugs.

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  9. Oh Margaret. I am so sorry that you are going through such an awful time. You are such a lovely, supportive voice in this community, please don't ever feel as though you have to apologise, we all understand. Sending much love and many positive vibes your way xo

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  10. Hi my lovely. You've got it, vibes, prayers, thoughts, wishes, they are all coming from me to you. I hope you can feel them. Please reach out if and when you can, but know that if you don't it doesn't change how much and how highly I think of you, even with you stuffing falling out. Even when you are a broken mess. I still want to and will be here for you. I love you friend. XOXO Jenny

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  11. just a note to say i have missed you and i am thinking about you xoxo

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