The Reality of Loss

The reality of loss is that when you least expect it, the pain will creep in and knock you right back down leaving you stunned and breathless. It leaves you questioning every aspect of your life, haunting doubts and what ifs and painful memories squeezing out any semblance of normalcy you've managed to collect. Mirne and Craig's loss has left me reeling, questioning everything I've tried so hard to believe in since Calvin died. Last night the cork blew off what I had managed to bottle up these past few lonely months and the pain surfaced tenfold. My life has lost any vestige of ordinary that once cloaked me in anonymity. I no longer feel invisible, I feel like I have been painted a shocking putrid yellow that announces my freaky existence to everyone around me, an unacceptable colour that gives me a wide berth and makes me feel shamed. My pain is worn in my eyes, on my face and in my posture. It shows through the lack of care I have regarding my appearence or surroundings. I am shabby and not in a chic way. My heart is hanging in shreds and the mentality that comes with a shredded heart is a skewed version of reality, where simple things become ugly as they are interwoven into the pain of loss. I screamed and bellowed and railed and wept angry unaccepting tears last night as I fully began to see just how warped my thinking and feeling has become. I can't watch movies, or the news, or be in situations where there are baby boys or the joy that comes with expectancy. I am jaded and bitter and without hope for myself and my future and no amount of howling wails or hot tears makes it better. Last night the bitter sting of separation crept into my heart, pain I have kept at bay for awhile now by immersing myself in distractions. All of it. The full force of knock you on your ass oh my God my baby died in my arms and is never coming back and I can't have anymore children and my life fucking hurts so much I want to die some days and fuck why can't I just be normal anymore and smile and go about my day making happy plans for my future . The insanity of swirling pain in my heart as I remember my beautiful boy and question every decision I made regarding his life and whether or not I did the right things for him. The anger that it shouldnt have happened to us after trying so hard and now my life is completely fucked up and I just want to smash somebody's teeth in over how unfair this has been and how my husband has been hurt and lashed out in his own painful ways and how my daughter inappropriately tells random strangers that Calvin died when she's feeling insecure. I feel like I can't breathe because my chest is so tight with these constricting chains that at times I just want to ram my head through window glass so that something else besides my heart hurts. It's been nearly ten months now. Ten months of coping and moving further away from him as my life continues and his does not. Separation anxiety is rearing it's ugly head. It's an unnatural state of being, to be suspended in this hell of being without my child. It goes against nature. All my gutteral instincts tell me to pound the ground and beat my chest and let out loud primal screams as I deal with this uncomprehensible separation. All the socially acceptable dos and don'ts I've been taught keep me in check, murmuring my pain on the occassion and keeping my fucking mouth shut for the most part. Fuck society. Take away that which is most precious to you and be told to live with it. Deal with it. Cope with the pain and the feeling of being a freak everyday because you have this horrible secret inside. Keep it together. Keep it together. I can't.....my life is broken. Oh Calvin, what did we do? My gorgeous, perfect boy. Last night I wished your life undone, that I could go back before you were conceived....before the pain dug out my soul and left me hollow. I'm so sorry for feeling like that, for the selfishness of it all while you lay sleeping in your tiny grave. I just can't do this anymore, I don't know how I can......