My God, can it really be four years already since my first child was born? It seems like only yesterday I awoke at two am on August 23, 2005 to pains in my upper right quadrent. About a millisecond ago I was waking up in recovery screaming in pain and asking frantically about my baby. I'm lucky she made it. Lorelei's birth at thirty six weeks was the result of an emergency c-section due to a partial placental abruption. I remember looking at her in her isolette thinking, "I'm a mother, finally...", and falling instantly in love with the tiny baby that lay there. She was small, six pounds, five ounces and covered in furry blonde hair all over her tiny body. She was breathtakingly beautiful, her face was perfect with each tiny feature exactly as it should be. She was my first and my love for her was so overwhelminly strong I wept many tears in the first months she was mine. I was also terrified. Her prematurity caused her to have a poor sucking reflex, she could only manage a few sucks when she latched and was soon fitted with a ng tube. She also had several episodes of desaturation in the first month, usually during a feed where she would suddenly go limp and turn bright blue. Many times in the beginning I was sure she would die, I was terrified to leave her with anyone, even relatives. I was sure that no one could love her as much as Shane and I did, therefore no one would take the level of care with her that we did. As much as her first year was hard on me emotionally, it was so rewarding. Lorelei became the most content baby, sleeping through the night by sixteen weeks, rarely crying. She developed a strong personality, enjoying attention immensely she would bask in the adoration of strangers when we would go out shopping. By age two, when people would tell her she was beautiful, she would look and say, "yes, I know...thank you!" I was always careful to make sure her clothes were pretty and clean and she began to love to wear dresses because she was absolutely sure she was indeed a princess. Ahhh, mommy memories. Looking back makes my heart smile with love for my firstborn, remembering all the laughter, all the tears, all the silly, funny, scary, new, awkward, wonderful moments. My baby just turned four. Four. This time next year we will be preparing her for kindergarten and oh my word I just want her to stop. Stop growing, stop changing, stop becoming a little girl instead of my little big girl. Stay small stay home with me forever, be my snuggling little stubborn baby/girl who refused potty training until just months ago, the girl who loves to kiss her mommy and hold her hand still. Stay young and innocent and beautiful and unafraid of the world, stay excited to see family and wave at strangers. Keep on announcing your thoughts without censoring them, keep spontaneously bursting into song and dance, stay cuddling with daddy and asking for shoulder rides and dressing up as a princess in your crown and fake jewels. Stay my firstborn girl...stay loving me and everything around you. The older you grow, the less free your soul and your innocence is so beautiful and unaware of the things we adults feel ashamed of. I wish I could hang on to you my girl. Keep you the way you are right now forever, keep you from ever being hurt or feeling jaded. Keep you loving yourself enough to run through the sprinkler naked without shame and confident enough to sing the wrong words at the top of your lungs offkey with a huge smile on your face. I hate that you're growing so fast. I love that you are mine and that you make me proud and happy to be your mother. Happy Birthday Baby Girl....you've come a long way.
Intention and Grace
1 month ago