My blog has been pissing people off. Twice now, since beginning it, I have offended people with remarks about things that have happened in the past or how I have felt about certain situations. I feel terrible about it. When I started my blog back in March, it was basically just a way for me to vomit out some of the horrible feelings of grief I was experiencing after Calvin's death. People only want to hear so much about the same topic over and over, especially if it's a sad one. I was strangling in my feelings and after my husband told me that constantly talking about grief was making him depressed, I stopped and started here. It was my intention at the time to keep my blog from family and close friends so that I didn't feel I had to censor my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to purge in honesty.
Although I don't feel I have to censor my thoughts or feelings on here, there is that little voice in the back of my head now telling me to sugarcoat things. I don't want to hurt anyone intentionally but I am also an extremely opinionated, strong willed woman. If I feel especially passionate about a topic or situation, I am going to voice my feelings. I have come to learn especially in the seven years that Shane and I have been together, that my feelings and opinions are not always appreciated. If there is one thing I can say of myself with pride is that I am honest about the way I feel, about the things I believe in and I don't pretend to agree with things to keep the peace. It's caused me some issues for sure, mainly with the people I am closest with unfortunately. I do regret sometimes the way I speak frankly and without mincing words when I do hurt the people I care about, but in order to be true to myself and to my blog, I feel I must continue to speak my mind and my feelings without the added worry of who I am going to upset with what I post about. There have been several things that I have wanted to blog about but that I have refrained from posting about because I know they will cause discord in my family. In those situations, it's not the feeling of having to censor myself for fear of backlash, it's knowing that some things are best left unsaid. Instead I rant to a friend or another family member until I feel relieved of some of the stress and anger some situations have left me with, knowing my family relationships will be better in the long run for not making a public spectacle of my feelings.
There are also things I have not blogged about because of privacy issues, those fine lines that are drawn between wanting to share and not wanting people to know every sordid detail of whatever drama I may be going through at the time. I would however, like to ask that if anyone finds what I post to be offensive, to realize that they are simply the feelings and opinions of one person. I accept that not everyone will agree with the way I see the world at times, but if you find yourself offended or pissed off by a topic I have chosen to write about, contact me. Leave me a comment asking me to get ahold of you, if you are family and I have offended you please call me or if you so choose to do so, stop reading my blog. Not having an audience to my feelings won't bother me, I write my words for me and not to appease anyone else. I just want to be understood that when I write about something, I am not writing about you in particular, I am writing about me and how I felt in a situation and how that situation relates to the grief I am dealing with today. To someone on the outside who can't understand why I am writing about things that may have happened five or twenty five years ago, please realize there is relevancy and I am not doing it to be a bitch. I'm not made that way even if I do come off sounding harsh or abrupt about certain things.
My goal in creating my blog was to find a way to a healing peace as I muddle through the darkness of grief and it remains my goal to this day. I am in no way seeking sympathy or vengeance, merely searching for understanding within myself and my world. This is the most difficult journey I have experienced in my lifetime and I do hope that by being open about my feelings and thoughts during my time of mourning that if people are reading my blog that they understand just how difficult and painful this past year of my life has been. This is the way I put my voice to the words that I cannot bear to push past my lips into the open air, a way to let the pain pour out through my fingertips and into a place other than inside myself. Please, cut me a little slack and know that hurting some of you is the very last thing I want to do.
Intention and Grace
1 month ago