Wednesday, October 21, 2009

How Do I Offend Thee, Let Me Count the Ways

My blog has been pissing people off. Twice now, since beginning it, I have offended people with remarks about things that have happened in the past or how I have felt about certain situations. I feel terrible about it. When I started my blog back in March, it was basically just a way for me to vomit out some of the horrible feelings of grief I was experiencing after Calvin's death. People only want to hear so much about the same topic over and over, especially if it's a sad one. I was strangling in my feelings and after my husband told me that constantly talking about grief was making him depressed, I stopped and started here. It was my intention at the time to keep my blog from family and close friends so that I didn't feel I had to censor my thoughts and feelings. I wanted to purge in honesty.

Although I don't feel I have to censor my thoughts or feelings on here, there is that little voice in the back of my head now telling me to sugarcoat things. I don't want to hurt anyone intentionally but I am also an extremely opinionated, strong willed woman. If I feel especially passionate about a topic or situation, I am going to voice my feelings. I have come to learn especially in the seven years that Shane and I have been together, that my feelings and opinions are not always appreciated. If there is one thing I can say of myself with pride is that I am honest about the way I feel, about the things I believe in and I don't pretend to agree with things to keep the peace. It's caused me some issues for sure, mainly with the people I am closest with unfortunately. I do regret sometimes the way I speak frankly and without mincing words when I do hurt the people I care about, but in order to be true to myself and to my blog, I feel I must continue to speak my mind and my feelings without the added worry of who I am going to upset with what I post about. There have been several things that I have wanted to blog about but that I have refrained from posting about because I know they will cause discord in my family. In those situations, it's not the feeling of having to censor myself for fear of backlash, it's knowing that some things are best left unsaid. Instead I rant to a friend or another family member until I feel relieved of some of the stress and anger some situations have left me with, knowing my family relationships will be better in the long run for not making a public spectacle of my feelings.

There are also things I have not blogged about because of privacy issues, those fine lines that are drawn between wanting to share and not wanting people to know every sordid detail of whatever drama I may be going through at the time. I would however, like to ask that if anyone finds what I post to be offensive, to realize that they are simply the feelings and opinions of one person. I accept that not everyone will agree with the way I see the world at times, but if you find yourself offended or pissed off by a topic I have chosen to write about, contact me. Leave me a comment asking me to get ahold of you, if you are family and I have offended you please call me or if you so choose to do so, stop reading my blog. Not having an audience to my feelings won't bother me, I write my words for me and not to appease anyone else. I just want to be understood that when I write about something, I am not writing about you in particular, I am writing about me and how I felt in a situation and how that situation relates to the grief I am dealing with today. To someone on the outside who can't understand why I am writing about things that may have happened five or twenty five years ago, please realize there is relevancy and I am not doing it to be a bitch. I'm not made that way even if I do come off sounding harsh or abrupt about certain things.

My goal in creating my blog was to find a way to a healing peace as I muddle through the darkness of grief and it remains my goal to this day. I am in no way seeking sympathy or vengeance, merely searching for understanding within myself and my world. This is the most difficult journey I have experienced in my lifetime and I do hope that by being open about my feelings and thoughts during my time of mourning that if people are reading my blog that they understand just how difficult and painful this past year of my life has been. This is the way I put my voice to the words that I cannot bear to push past my lips into the open air, a way to let the pain pour out through my fingertips and into a place other than inside myself. Please, cut me a little slack and know that hurting some of you is the very last thing I want to do.


  1. I have thought about doing a diary because I too have invited IRLs into my blog. Sometimes it's good and sometimes I feel like my words are thrown back at me. But you have to get these feelings out somehow.

  2. I invited some IRLs to read my blog because I felt like I wanted them to know how I was feeling and I didn't want to shut them out. After a few months, things started to come back to bite me in the butt. Sometimes I want to make my blog private for invited readers only, but then I'd have to go through and invite all of my LBMs to come along. Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about offending anyone. I've done it tons of times- on my blog, via email, in person. I basically say what's on my mind and use the excuse that I am grieving for a dead baby. Be gentle on yourself.

  3. I hope you continue to write out your heart, pretty or not. I too have felt that obligation to sugarcoat things because some friends and family IRL are reading my blog. I am to the point where I just don't care about what they think. I am not sure if that's right or wrong, but this journey of grief of losing a child is a horrible pit and the feelings are intense. I hope the people that got offended cut you some slack because you need to vent and express your feelings. It is so ironic that you write about this because I was contemplating writing a similar post directed at my friends and family IRL who are reading my blog and seem to have a critical attitude to the way I am dealing with things. Anyway, I just want to let you know I enjoy reading your blog even though I wish me and you never had a reason to blog about this. Reading someone else's grief journey has helped me.


  4. This is very very well said. People need to realize that when they read your blog, it is like you have given them the key to your personal journal. The truth of what is inside of you isn't going to always be pretty right now, but if they want to look inside, that have to learn that this is not about them. You are so beautiful and honest - your blog is so well written, I feel honored to be allowed a peak into your life, though I'm very sorry that you had this reason for starting your blog. Keep up the good work, and this blog is enough said on the subject of offending. Keep writing and processing and doing your best, that's all you can do. Much love to you!

  5. I love reading your post! Keep them coming! I know what you mean about having to sugarcoat things. I have had things I just didnt talk about because I am too worried about home someone in the family will feel. All the while those feelings just stay bottled up. I guess it is a lose lose situation. But I like your blogs! :o)

  6. Margaret - writing from you heart is so important. As so many of us have said in the past, these blogs are our space... nobody else's. If someone chooses to read and is offended, then stop reading or at least grow up and approach you directly about it. Offending someone should be the absolute last thing on your mind.

    Thinking of you so much in the weeks to come.

  7. This blog is your space and Calvin's space. Sometimes I too feel that it would be best to not tell anyone I know that I am blogging and just have the audience of my wonderful lost baby moms. I do not feel comfortable with anyone other than my LBM friends at the moment because others just don't get it.

  8. This is your space to grieve, and say whatever you need to. Grief is messy and painful. You shouldn't cater what is supposed to be your outlet around what is comfortable and convenient for others. If they don't like it, they don't have to read it.

  9. Just wanted you to know I loved your Haiku.
    "Life is so unfair
    Taking sweet Peyton away
    Leaving broken hearts."

  10. Isn't it messed up that with ALL the stuff we have to worry about, we let ourselves worry about offending people on top of it all?
    Speaking utterly and completely from the heart-from a broken heart-isn't always pretty. It has to be messy and hard and complicated because that's how we feel.
    Like people above said-if they dont like it, turn it off. I've read stuff that has made me burn on the inside-but they aren't saying it to hurt me-they're saying it to help themselves through this horror that we are living.
    You write beautifully and eloquently. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us, and I hope you continue to do so!

  11. I'm sorry you feel that you need to censor yourself, but this blog is for YOU. You don't have to answer to anyone or justify yourself to anyone. These are your feelings and emotions being types out, a journal that just happens to be public. I'm sorry some people are coming out with comments that are unsolicited. Write for YOU and for no one else.