Shane's sister Susan had her baby yesterday. Elijah Jon was born after an easy three hour labour and weighed in at 7lbs 1oz. I am happy for Susan. However timing is everything and it just figures that her brand new boy would be born on the day our son's grave marker was being installed. Yes, Calvin's marker is in again. I haven't gone over to see it yet but Shane did and by first glance, everything looks good. It's a relief. As for my husband, Shane didn't take the news as well as I had hoped. Maybe things would have been a little different had the two of us not been so full of anxiety about Calvin's marker being installed the next day that neither of us slept Monday night. Maybe if we hadn't had our first real conversation about our son in a long time it would have been easier for him. Shane has bottled up his feelings about Calvin for so long now that the conversation literally took my breath away. I cried. Alot actually. Shane misses our son so much and has put on his "I'm fine, We're fine, Everything's fine" face for so long now that it was like a dam had burst. He's so hurt and in so much pain over losing our son and about losing our "lives" before loss. He acknowledged that he never feels normal anymore, that he feels so alone in the loss that he has done some horrible hurtful things, said some things he normally would never say and buried himself in escapes. He's utterly sad over the fact that Georgia's life will always be surrounded by a touch of darkness and that all the important things in her life will be blemished with Calvin's loss.
After receiving the call that Elijah had been born, Shane crawled back into bed and asked me to come and hold him. I put my arms around him and asked him if he was alright to which he answered no. I understand him completely. When we had been trying unsuccessfully for a year to have a baby and I kept miscarrying, Susan got pregnant with her first child. She had no problems whatsoever. I found it painful to be around her, couldn't bring myself to share in her joy and started avoiding family functions. At one point Greg, Shane and Susan's brother, freaked out on us and started screaming at us that we were selfish, why couldn't we be happy for her? I started crying and told Greg at the time that we weren't unhappy for her, we were unhappy for us and that all the things she had reminded us of what we had been trying so desperately for. I don't think the family can understand that. All they see is us being upset and get angry. I know Shane won't be saying anything about his hurt to anyone in the family this time and I ache for him. Although I don't feel devastated by Susan having a boy because I had been expecting it all along, I am disappointed that he came on the day our son's marker was being installed. It seemed like a kick in the teeth. Susan gets a healthy son, we get a marker for our dead son. It's grief, it's complicated and it sucks.
Intention and Grace
1 month ago