Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Sad Welcome

It is with a heavy heart that I extend a hug, my most sincere condolences and a welcome to Ben and Sara. Ben and Sara lost their sweet daughter Olivia a little over three months ago. Olivia was born with Tetralogy of Fallot with Pulmonary Atresia, which was Calvin's original diagnosis in utero. It breaks my heart to hear that another angel has gotten her wings. Please visit Ben's blog and show them some support here:

I guess it's almost a creepy feeling, like being the Wal-Mart greeter for the Dead Baby Club. I hate this club. I hate "welcoming" new members. I hate that once you're in it, there's no way out. I should be passing out sad face stickers at the door with the message that "Now that you're here, your life will never be the same again..." And it's true. Once you've had a child die, say good-bye to normal. Say good-bye to life as you've known it because it will never be the same again. Oddly enough, Lea at Nicholas' Touch blogged about this today. About how she fought against the idea that her life had changed forever when she lost Nicholas. Oh how I could relate to her post. I have hated every stinking second of being a babylost mother. I have railed in anger over the loss of my "before" life. It plain old sucks. It's been over a year for us now and I still hate it every day. I still think about my son everyday, I still miss him, still love him, still ache inside when I see things I would have liked to have bought for him. I don't know if those feelings ever go away. I know that Calvin's loss has softened a bit, instead of being a knife ripping through my heart and soul, it's become more of a dull ache in my chest, an ever present "awareness" of his absence.

I am saddened for Ben and Sara, knowing that they are soon to face the most painful Christmas of their lives without their precious Olivia. Shane and I were only 39 days past Calvin's death for our first Christmas post loss and it was an empty, hollow time for us. Not only did we have to fake it for our girls, but we were very much isolated with much of the family "giving us our privacy". I do understand that our grief at this most joyous time of the year probably made them uncomfortable, but privacy was the last thing we needed in those early days. What I have needed has changed over the course of this dark journey varying from needing acknowledgement of Calvin's life, to needing space and time to heal. Although I will never be or feel "perfect" in my grief, I have come to accept that because my feelings ebb and flow, that things will not always be okay with me emotionally and that I shouldn't expect them to. All I can hope for is a sense of peace, a coming to terms with this being my "now" life and not fighting for my yesterdays anymore. Not only have I had to learn with letting go of my son and the hopes and dreams I had for his life, but I've also had to learn to let go of my life as it was and that has been the hardest part since we said good-bye.

It would be my hope that my friends here will take a moment to visit A Dragonfly's Embrace to show support for this newly bereaved couple. God Bless....


  1. Hi Margaret - yes, so, so sad.... I am on my way to Dragonfly's Embrace.

    Thank you.

  2. I'm sorry someone else has joined this club. It certainly isn't a club where want new members. I hope they find much peace and love in our community. xo

  3. Margaret, I needed this post. I have realized that I am going to have to let go. And that scares me. But I know that if I don't let go I will not be able to move forward.

    My heart goes out to Ben & Sara.

  4. I love this post Margaret. This is something I think about all the time. I crave for the old me. I was satisfaction and peace personified. I did not even want for a child. We had Akul mainly because Sunil so much wanted to have a baby. Today I am uprooted, distraught, confused and in immense pain. I am an emotional mess. I try to be strong for Sunil but there are days when I just cannot. His silence kills me. I am lonely and unhappy and I am so very tired of being so sad all the time. This is not me...I was never sad..and I too hate welcoming anyone to this club because I know how life changing being here is. Hugssssssssssssssssss

  5. Margaret please give me your email address. I want to email you a picture. or leave it for me as a comment on Akul's blog.

  6. Very true, Margaret. And it's so isolating just grieving a dead baby, I find. If I hadn't met all of you online I would have lost my mind in the first few months for sure. (Not that I'm terribly balanced at the moment *sad wry smile*). I'm on my way over to pop by this blog now. (((Hugs)))

  7. Margaret,

    I know what you are saying. I almost feel like an idiot welcoming others into this hell.
    I feel better and worse everyday simultaneously. I am told it is good that I am aware of my feelings..I think it's crap, but I guess that's what I have for now.

    Thinking of you.

  8. Margaret,

    Thank you for such a warm welcome. As my mother-in law puts it "we've entered a whole new world, not of our choosing", at least we have understanding company along with us n this journey.