Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Year Gone By

We spent Calvin's Angel Day on Monday with Shane's parents, his brother Greg and wife Trisha who is expecting. The original plan was to go to the cemetery and then come back to our house for some lunch. I didn't have it in me to do any of the necessary planning. The H1N1 virus and it's aftermath of fatigue has simply drained any energy or ambition I might have had right now. I called Safeway and ordered sandwiches, veggies and dip and a cake platter and ran down to get them in the morning. I picked up Calvin's flowers while I was there and then came home to figure out just what exactly we were going to do at the cemetery. I had no idea. Between my lack of ambition, our kids, our colds and just dreading the day in general, we managed to make ourselves so far behind that when everyone got to our house and we're waiting to go to Calvin's grave, I ended up telling everyone we'd do lunch first.

After lunch, I printed off Kahlil Gibran's Joy and Sorrow and On Death to read at Calvin's grave and then went over to Mary's blog and stole her post "I Resolve" to also read. It was all I had. The weather was miserable, the wind blowing so hard I had to practically shout as I read the poems. The flowers Shane's parents brought we didn't end up putting down for fear they'd blow away and so after my quick words, and a small speech by Shane's dad we wrapped it up and came back home. I was just as relieved not to have had a big emotional scene, I didn't think I had it in me to cry in front of everyone.

The tears came later that night, as Shane and I sat alone on the porch talking about our son. I miss him. There's really not much more that can be said about it all. I'm weary and angry and sad and tired and not wanting to feel like this anymore. I want this year to be better and even though my son won't come back, I think I'm going to try and find a way to put some joy back into my life. I'm not sure how at this point, all I know is that I'm tired of feeling sad all the time. I need to find that spark inside and let some light burn through all this darkness. I need to start living again. I think I'm ready. Maybe.


  1. Thinking of you and your family as you remember Calvin. Hoping with you, Margaret, that it gets to where there is more joy than sadness again some day. We'll always remember, I know. (((Hugs)))

  2. love to you Margaret, much love as you honour Calvin xxx

  3. I know how you feel and you will. I try everyday to make it a good one and some days it works and most days it doesn't.
    I'm grateful for the days it does. I'm grateful for the days I have a reason (and the will) to smile without guilt.
    I hope good days are in store for you.
    Sorry you're tired but so glad the flu is gone.
    Love Lindsay

  4. Dear, Dear, Margaret - I have been thinking of you so much this week. My heart is with you, I hope you know that. I'm glad that you spent Calvin's Angel Day with family and that it was comforting...

    Wishing for peace and a new level of happiness for you. I am certain that Shane, Lorelei, Calvin and Georgia will help you get there..


  5. I'm glad you were able to get out there and spend some time with Calvin. It sounds like you had a very special and emotional day.

    I hope you are able to move to that next level of this process. I thought I had found that level with E, but then we lost L and everything to do with E came flooding back, and I felt like I was back at square one. Now I feel even more hopeless, and more sad and angry.

    With the help of your family, and all of us fellow bloggers, we'll help you get there.


  6. It's good that you were able to commemorate calvin's Day. you are blessed and loved by lots of us out here and we are praying for you.

    thanks so much for everything you have said in the last few weeks, you have helped me more by simply saying its ok, than a lot of others have.

    bless you and Hugs

  7. I think putting the joy back into your life sounds like a wonderful thing to do. I know it is probably easier said than done, but I am sure you will find a way. I wish Calvin were in your arms and he was that spark for you. xx

  8. Hugssssssssss Margaret. It is so sad that our babies leave us and then we are left forever ...incomplete...looking for that someone who will complete us as we felt we were meant to be. I hope you find that light that will brighten your dark world. Hugssss

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  10. Margaret, sending you such huge hugs as you navigate this tough time, the angelvarsary, while also feeling under the weather. I can't even imagine having to face that day while feeling crummy health wise. I think you are so brave. Your strength has been shown through this whole journey, and now it is even more obvious to those of us who read here. I envy you. You want to feel joy and I know you will find a way. Thank you for sharing Calvin's Angel Day with us.