I just wanted to post my joy at hearing that Jay at Opus Angara http://opusangara.blogspot.com/ has safely brought her rainbow baby Isobella Mai into the world. I must admit I suffer anxiety everytime one of you babylost mamas gets pregnant and then gets close to the due date. I care so much and so deeply for some of you that I could not bear to see any of you suffer any more than you already have. I have followed Jay's pregnancy with Isobella for some time now and have been in awe of Jay and her peaceful outlook on her pregnancy. Not only is she breathtakingly beautiful while pregnant, she makes the most gorgeous babies too. Please pop over to Jay's blog and welcome Isobella if you haven't done so already.
It seems as if there are an overwhelming number of rainbow babies on their way right now, some days it's difficult to remember who is pregnant and when they are due. I do have a little envy I must admit. While I have my two lovely daughters here with me, knowing that I probably will not ever be pregnant again is difficult to accept sometimes. I love the newborn/first year stage so much that I'm sure if I had been well enough, I would have had a baby every year until my uterus fell out. Seriously. There is something so incredibly intoxicating about the smell and feel of a newborn baby and in watching the development of milestones within those first twelve months. I love the first smiles. I love the excited rush of realizing the baby has just slept through the night for the first time. I'm sure Georgia and Lorelei will still keep me busy with their firsts but they are no longer as dependent on me as they were in that first year of life. Georgia still runs over to hug me every few minutes as she's playing or exploring, almost as if to reassure herself that I am still here as she moves further and further away from me into her own little world. Lorelei still demands snuggles and mommy time in the evenings or early mornings (thank God), but it's those tiny feet and hands and that soft downy hair I will miss as my girls grow older.
The conceptions and births of these rainbow babies has me thinking so much about Calvin lately. I miss him and no matter how hard I try to imagine him as Georgia's age right now, I can't. All I can see in my mind's eye is how he looked as a newborn, how precious and soft and wonderful he was. Oddly enough I had my second dream about Calvin last night and although the circumstances of my dream were chaotic and weird, the feeling of holding him again was wonderful. I woke up feeling peaceful and happy, like I had once again received a message from my son telling me he loved me and that things were alright for him. Indeed I am trying to focus on my belief that a hundred years on earth is only a few seconds in Heaven so that by the time we are reunited, Calvin won't feel he has been away from me for very long. I like that thought alot. Even though in my previous dream, Calvin came to me as a grown man of thirty with the promise of seeing him grow up in the rewind of my life, last night's dream had him as my infant son again. Only he could speak (aren't dreams weird?) and he told me he loved me repeatedly. Even though I long for more babies, I know that another son would not keep me from missing Calvin, in fact I know I will think of him and love him until the day I die. This realization has made me understand on a deeper level how the births of these rainbow babies must affect the mamas. While it must be a huge relief to hold a living child in their arms again, one baby can never take the place of another and that pain of separation and longing for the one you've lost will never completely go away. In a way, I think these babies bring back hope. Hope for the family, hope for new beginnings, hope for a happier and more fulfilled tomorrow. I wish there was a way to bring that hope to all of us who have lost a child especially for those of us facing fertility issues. The only way I can keep the hope alive inside myself is to focus on my girls and to share in the joys of the mamas out there experiencing motherhood of a different sort now, the mothering of children who are alive and well. It is something I wish for everyone.