Thursday, January 28, 2010

Disappointment

Well I'm back. My trip home sucked. I spent most of the two days I was there crying. I don't know why I bothered. I suppose I was hoping for some kind of acknowledgement of my loss and the deep hurt that not having family support caused me. Instead of the apology I was hoping for, my wounds were torn open again when my grandmother told me I had wasted my money buying my son a headstone. I was aghast when she said it, saying that he didn't need it and that it was a waste for us to have gone to the expense of a funeral for him. She also told me that my "religion" was pitiful, that there is no God or Heaven and that religion is just a crutch for people who can't handle the truth. She critisized almost every area in my life from the way I raise my children, to being financially irresponsible, to my weight and Georgia's weight and the fact that it's time I cut my hair and act like a grownup. I sat there sobbing as she told me I was making my baby fat and that I needed to stop buying my kids toys for Christmas because they were going to be spoiled. My poor mother sat there in her wheelchair, unable to say much because her speech is so bad other than to say "Don't cry...please, don't let her make you cry." I couldn't help it. I cried out of hurt and anger and frustration that this woman who has never been to my house or seen how I live could critisize everything about me. Attacking Georgia's weight really pushed me over the edge. Yes, my baby is chubby but she is a BABY. Lorelei was chubby too but thinned out alot when she started really running around. To have my grandma tell me to stop feeding my baby so much made me so angry I was shaking. And all I could do was cry. I hated every second of being there. While she railed and yelled at me for not visiting my mother as often as I should, I felt myself shutting down. When she finally left to give my mom and I some privacy, I told my mother that the reason I don't visit as often as I should is because of grandma, that she's so fucking mean to me that when I think about going down for a visit that knowing that I'm going to have to listen to grandma's tirades about everything that's wrong with me, I simply avoid it by not going. In the beginning, when it was just Shane and I and we would go for a visit, he once packed our bags and we left as my grandma screamed and yelled and told me what a failure I was. He told her to never talk about me that way around him again and when he is with me, she doesn't. This time I went alone so I was fair game I suppose.

Because I have struggled with weight issues my whole life, my weight has always been a sensitive subject with me. As an overweight child and teenager, my self esteem suffered horribly. I was insecure in my body and tried many times to lose weight to please people around me. My grandmother has always had a huge hangup about weight, every visit from the time I was ten or so involved comments that hurt. She would say horrible things to me about my body and the way I was "squeezed" into my clothes and "aren't you worried you'll never get a husband". When I did manage to lose most of my weight she was overjoyed telling me for the first time ever that I was beautiful. Every visit after that involved her scrutinizing my thighs and arms looking for extra pounds. On one visit she told Shane to stop carrying in all the luggage and let me do it, "Aren't you afraid she'll get fat again?"....Well I did get fat again. I got pregnant and packed on the pounds with Lorelei. I was still fifteen pounds up when I got pregnant with Georgia and Calvin. I was terrified that she would berate me during my pregnancy about weight issues but she managed to leave it alone until after the babies were born. For me, because I had felt so much hurt over the years because of comments she and others had made about my weight, having her suggest to me that I was making Georgia fat hurt me most of all. As a mother who loves her children more than anything in the world, fat is the last thing I would want for my daughter. I would never wish for my children to suffer the pain and low self esteem I had growing up and although I have yet to conquer my own weight issues, I make sure my girls eat nutrious, healthy food and not much junk. As I sat there bawling at her vicious remarks about my beautiful baby girl, I couldn't help but wish hateful things on her. I hate feeling like that, so full of hurt and rage that I actually wished she would just die and leave me alone.

The night before I left to come home, I tried once more to talk about Calvin to her. I brought out his book and showed her what we went through. She saw the pictures of him dying in our arms and of him lying in his tiny casket. After an hour of reading the book, she closed it and looked at me and said, "Do you read this all the time?" and when I answered no she said, "That's good, because it's pretty depressing." Really? No shit it's depressing. It's the reality of what we went through with Calvin in vivid colour, all there in front of her so that there was no denying it. She didn't have anything more to say about the situation than that. No "I'm sorry I didn't come to his funeral", no "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you", no "I'm sorry that saying his marker was a waste of money". Nothing. I was so eager to get out of there I was in bed by nine that night and up by five am so that I could hit the road. I couldn't get home fast enough. All the way back I had to choke back tears remembering the horrible things she had said to me in front of my mother who was helpless to do anything to intervene. I thought about Georgia and her smile and Lorelei and her bright blue eyes and Shane and how his arms feel around me as I drove, willing the negative stay behind as I headed towards the loves of my life. I wish I could say that I truly left all the hurt behind but the disappointment still sits behind my eyes and my chest feels heavy. Although I knew it would probably not turn out the way I had hoped for, that little bit of hope inside had made me go and take a chance that my feelings would matter this time. They didn't and so the topic of my son is something I will no longer discuss with my family except my mother. I just hope that I find the strength to go back again for her sake. Thanks for all your wishes of support for me, how wonderful I do have the support of my bloggy friends here, it means so very much to me.

26 comments:

  1. I'm so angry reading this! I can't believe how badly you are treated. What happened in your Grandma's life to make her so hateful and bitter!? I'm glad you have the support of your husband and children... I wish I could give you a hug- how far away do you live? :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hope you don't plan ever to go back without Shane again.

    I'm so so sorry she treated you like that. She must be very damaged to be so cruel, but that's no excuse.

    This is a hard question and might upset you, but thinking about the answer might help you stop giving her so much power. Why do you care what she thinks, when she has proven that she doesn't care about what is important to you and what you need?

    Listen to your bloggy friends who understand and care. Please don't give her the power to keep on hurting you so, so badly.

    Well done for speaking up. It must have been so, so hard.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow! That in one seriously toxic woman! You're a saint for bearing it without violence (I'm not sure I could have). I'm sure God is proud of you for doing the right thing.

    We always got your back, girl! ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Margaret, that is just terrible! I can't even imagine a grandmother being so hateful and mean! No wonder you don't visit home often... who needs it?

    So sorry the trip was so stressful. And Georgia is perfect the way she is...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was so hoping that this trip would be good for you. I am sorry it did not turn out how you wanted. It is horrible that you had to endure the pain of her making you feel the way she did. I know in time you will find the strength to go back for your mom. As always, I am thinking about you and sweet Calvin. xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so sorry that your trip was so unbearable. She sounds like a very bitter unhappy woman who is taking her anger at herself out on everyone else in her life.

    And to say those things about calvin, well that just makes me want to give her a piece of my mind for you.

    Just remember you are beautiful and your girls are too. ~~hugs~~ thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. *hugs* i am so sorry that you drove there only to have your heart emotionally battered. You absolutely do not deserve such torment. you are such a wonderful person and so is your family. please remember that.

    ReplyDelete
  8. OMG...wow...I am SO SO sorry that you had to put up with that. What does she say if to tell her you dont care what she thinks and to shut the F up? You are beautiful just the way you are and so are your girls, don't let anyone tell you any different! Sending you lots of love my dear!!

    Nicolle

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh my goodness.

    I hope you know that all of that nastiness was about her. None of it was about you. You are wonderful. Yes you are.

    I have battled with my weight most of my life and since losing George and losing my job because of losing George I struggle even more. But it doesn't mean that I deserve to be treated badly because of it. And neither do you.

    Snuggle down with those babes and your man, surround yourself with love and try to forget those bitter words.

    Did I mention that you are wonderful?

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  10. That sounds horrid. I think there are times when you need to realize that you've done all you can, but sometimes people will never change or treat us they way we deserve and you have the right to never let them hurt you again. She has lost the right to be in your lives, if you ask me.
    So sorry it's been so awful.

    -Amanda (kickyboots.com)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dear Margaret, I had to actually stop reading this half way through because I was so sick inside reading that you had to endure this.

    I'm sorry that your grandmother has so much anger and bitterness inside of her that she feels the need to criticize you and your life, and make you hurt.

    My prayer is for you to forget her words and remember only the kindness and love you saw in your mother's eyes.

    I could write a whole comment on each thing that she said, but instead I want you to look at the ridiculousness of each comment and brush it away. She. Has. No. Idea. Her words are worth nothing. Calling a cute chubby baby fat? Please. Saying that giving a child a funeral is a waste? I mean, these comments don't even make sense, and it is hard to give credit to anyone who would say then or think them.

    I know inside of you, you wish to have her love and approval. I know you want it so bad. But she is unwilling to give it, so instead accept it from ALL the other people who want to give it to you. Wrap their love around you so tight. God knows your relationship with Him is not for the weak. I wish I could erase the hurt for you. You do not deserve this.

    Please breathe deep and love yourself for trying, and let go as much as you can...

    Much much much love.... xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am speechless. I am so very sorry you had to endure that.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your grandmother sounds like a sad bitter old woman. I am SO sorry you have to endure her mean spirit.
    I know it's impossible, but please, PLEASE try to let her words drip off of you. It seems that she gets some sick joy from hurting you and that's wrong.
    I know how it feels to crave some bit of love or respect from your family and to be let down. I'm sorry she let you down.
    You are beautiful and you have done the best you can. Calvin and your girls are lucky to have a mother like you. at least you know that your girls with have a mother and their children, a grandmother, who would never make them feel the way your's has.
    love you..

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh Honey! I am so sorry! What a nasty, bitter person. I can only wonder what she has gone through in her life to make her this way. I am saying a prayer that she will realize her meanness and come around, and ask forgiveness for you- all all- that she has hurt.

    I am so sorry you had to go through that. You are beautiful, your children are beautiful, and none of you deserve that. I am so sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  15. What a horrible visit. How painful, how hurtful. I am so sorry. I know that you know this, but no amount of money you spend on your son is wasted! He is missing out on a lifetime of gifts that he deserves! Plus, our headstones for our children are a permanent fixture that tell the world our children lived, were important, were loved. Nothing can replace them.

    Praying for healing from this horrible pain.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Okay I tried to write a comment a little while ago but I was too darn angry.

    How dare she? How dare she say anything about anyone's weight? It's rude. It's rude to make unasked for comments on the appearance of another person, even if they are someone in your family.

    But it was what she said about your sweet twins that really made me mad. I'm so mad my hands are shaking. To comment on the weight of a BABY. She should just be happy that Georgia is a wonderful, healthy little girl.
    And what sort of person would call a headstone a waste of money?

    Oh Margaret, just try to let it wash over you. She is obviously an extremely bitter woman. I wish she hadn't hurt you so badly. I wish that she hadn't made you feel self-conscious about your own body and I'm so, so sorry that she would say anything about your children.

    Just look at your loving husband and your beautiful children and think of all the people who love you. Heck, I've never even met you and I love you! I can't say it better than Lindsay, at least your girls and their children will NEVER receive treatment like this from their mama. So, so sorry Margaret. I'm going to go and stamp up and down my stairs a couple of times now as I'm STILL mad with your grandmother.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Margaret,

    I prefer to ignore people who interfere with my healing. Sometimes I really have no energy to deal with those who have issues - especillay after I lost Akul. Many hugssssssss.

    ReplyDelete
  18. It really sounds like your grandmother has spent her entire life harboring bitterness and resentment toward the entire world because of the things that happened in her youth. I am so sorry that you had to endure her words and lack of emotion. I know that you were so hoping for a different outcome, but I agree with Akul's mama - I prefer to include only those who I know will help with and support my healing. Even before Gracie died, I didn't have much time for stupid drama, and now I really don't have the time or energy for it. It sounds like the drama that your family creates just sucks the life out of you (and has been for some time) - I am so sorry for that. I have not been in your exact situation, but something similar with some of my relatives, and it can be exhausting. Wishing you tons of strength and warm bear hugs. Wishing you a peaceful week.

    ReplyDelete
  19. All I can say is WOW. Your grandmother is a ridiculous person. I have cut relatives out of my life who weren't nearly as abusive as she. Like Emily said: Totally toxic. You don't deserve that. Take care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh my goodness, I cannot believe how horribly she treated you! I'm so sorry you had to listen to all that she spewed at you. What a very bitter and mean woman.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Your grandmother is horrible. She should be ashamed of herself for her behaviour. For the way she spoke to you now and over the years. She is bitter, and a very angry person. She hates her own life and feels the need to put others down to make herself feel better. I'm so sorry she was so hateful. Please don't take a single word she said to hear. I know its easier said then done, but please try to let it roll out of our mind. Think wonderful thoughts about Calvin and your beautiful little girls. You have a wonderful husband and amazing children. You are an incredible mother to all 3 of your children. Tell yourself that every day, okay? Lots of *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  22. She sounds like a true wretch of a person. You can see that, we see that. Nothing she says touches you or your precious Calvin. Love to you...

    ReplyDelete
  23. ((hugs)). i'm finally caught up on your blogs, and i'm so sorry for the way for grandmother is to you. i know you love your mother so much, and you are facing hell to see her. i know what you mean about not wanting your family's negativity and hurtfulness affect you, but being hurt by it just the same. you are wonderful mother. you are a beautiful person. and you are so much more than those horrid words from your grandmother.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Margaret -

    Just like everyone else in these comments, I'm left in shock, anger, and sorrow. I know it's easier said than done, but you have NO NEED of her venom. She is purely toxic and has only one desire - to make those around her as miserable as she is. You are a much kinder person than I. I would not have been able to restrain myself. I would have either 1) flat out killed her 2) punched her till I felt better or 3) would have vented with a profanity laced tirade that would have made a sailor blush. Each of the above choices would have been followed by going up to my mother, giving her a big hug saying "Mom, I love you, I have no idea how such a wicked woman could have ever raised someone as wonderful as you!" Smile at gran and walk away...

    I'm so sorry for your added pain. Please know we all support you here, because we "Get it."

    Peace & Love,
    Ben

    ReplyDelete
  25. Margaret, i am just reeling! i am aghast at what you've had to put up with through the years. this woman takes the cake. all of what she said this trip was abhorrent, but talking about your children just crosses the line. please take Shane with you next time! have him give her what for!
    stay strong lady!
    much love, christy

    ReplyDelete