Friday, February 12, 2010


I've been struggling in my personal life the last few weeks. Nothing drastic has been going on but for some reason I feel as if I have entered a whole new cycle of grief. I can't stop thinking of Calvin and what I'm missing. I'm not sure if it was the comments my grandmother made about my son not "needing" a marker on his grave but since that visit, my heart has been aching for him. I can't seem to get past my family's lack of feeling for what Shane and I have lived through, there has been not one iota of sympathy or care and it enrages me that such a beautiful, special little boy has not been given one thought since his passing. Some days I hate my family and wish I could just sever the ties with them. In truth, I suppose that once my mother passes away, the family will not have much to do with me but until then, the ties that bind us are tenuous. I wish I didn't care and in alot of ways I am beyond caring for myself, but the fact that they could turn their backs on my son and pretend he didn't exist tears me apart. He didn't deserve to be born with a broken heart, he certainly didn't deserve to go through all that happened to him only to die in the end but to have his life not validated by my own family is the worst injustice of all. I'm sad for him and angry for me for having to live with their indifference.

I am also currently on my way to being weaned of my painkillers and I am finding myself being very tired as of late. The tapering off started Monday and will likely take three months but hopefully by cutting down my dosage slowly I won't suffer the full out withdrawl I went through when I tried to go cold turkey over New Years. I am disappointed in myself that I will have to endure another three months of medication in order to be drug free and although I am making progress, I would rather be admitted to hospital, sedated and then go cold turkey for the week it takes to detox. I am impatient and want to be better now. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling that gnawing in my stomach as my body tells me I need more medication. I'm tired of feeling paralyzed by this addiction and I just want to move on with my life and start living normally again. I know the road to recovery will be an arduous one and frankly I don't know if I have it in me right now to feel this way for another few months. I'm feeling down about myself for getting into the addiction in the first place, if only I had had the courage to face Calvin's death a year ago instead of trying to mute out the horrific feeling of pain. I'm afraid that maybe once the numbing effects of the meds wear off that again I'll be immersed in sorrow and will have to start the grieving process anew. I don't want that at all.

I also have been worried about the community of friendship we have here in Dead Baby Land. With all the new rainbow babies being born, I wonder if the support that I so need some days will stay the same. I worry about being left behind in my grief because I won't be having any more children and as some of the mamas welcome their new miracles, I wonder if their needs for this community will fade away. I know all too well the time and attention a new baby requires as well as that all consuming love that you feel for your new babies and I do know that many of the mamas will not have the time for their blogs anymore. The thing that really gets me is that I've grown to love some of you very much, and this is the main way I keep in touch with you. I guess what I'm hoping is that we don't leave each other behind, that the driving force that brought us together as friends in caring and understanding stays the same although all of our lives are changing day by day. Truthfully, I can't imagine my life without some of you in it now. I worry that as you move on and have your babies that no one will remember my son other than me. I worry that the gestures like the Valentine I got from Lea for Calvin will stop. I need my son to be remembered and I don't know what I'd do without some of you.

To carry on with this train of thought also, I have been drawn to the blogs of three new women lately. As much as I hate to welcome anyone into Dead Baby Land, I feel like part of my purpose through my blog is to offer the same sort of support and love that was extended to me when I was newly bereaved. I would like to offer some support to those women now and I hope you'll pop over to their blogs and extend a hand in friendship to these mothers who are in pain over the losses of their precious babes.

Mindy. I found Mindy's blog through Glow in the Woods and I am struck by how deeply she is suffering. Mindy lost her precious son Henry through an accident at birth, something she couldn't have known would happen or prevented. Her letters to Henry speak volumes of her love for him, her regret and her pain of having to carry on without him. Please pop by and say hello and offer her some love

Megan. Megan is newly bereaved, she lost her sweet Grace less than a month ago and has reached out already for support. I am in awe over her will to survive this. It took me months before I could reach out following Calvin's death. Megan has a complicated situation because she is a high risk obstetrical nurse and will be returning to work shortly even though she's not completely ready. I can't imagine having to put myself in a situation to be confronted with the grief of others while still being in the beginning stages of my own loss. Megan's blog can be found at

Eve. Eve presents a unique situation as she is pregnant with twins right now and is trying to carry her daughter Abby as close to term as possible while knowing that her son Will has passed away in utero. Eve's journey is heartbreaking as she will be presented with many challenges as to how to honour and mourn Will while awaiting Abby's birth. Eve will likely not get the chance to hold and spend time with Will after his birth due to the amount of time he has spent deceased in utero while she waits for Abby to be physically big and strong enough to be born. Luckily Eve found a NILMDTS photographer who agreed to do a maternity shoot for her although it is not the norm for them. Eve's blog can be found at

As much as I am struggling in my own skin right now, I know these women are also having a tough time. My hope is to build a bridge of hope for them so that they know they don't walk through the darkness alone. I urge those that read my blog to visit these women and offer some heartfelt love and support. Although most of us have made it through the darkest days by now, for some it is just beginning. Hugging you all...


  1. I am so sorry your family is not supportive. I can only imagine how hard that must be and it breaks my heart that they cannot be there to support you and Calvin.

    I am not pregnant with a rainbow baby however I feel that the women of this community will continue to offer their support and love to us. I will always remember Calvin as he has touched my life and you help me in this grieving process.

  2. I was thinking to myself earlier tonight as I prepared dinner, how sad it was that the only people who are there for me are my "friends" in blog land who have also lost a child(ren). I have some real life friends who have the link to my blog (I never really shared it with family/friends in the beginning and now i'm glad I haven't), and they don't really read it anymore. When they do, they don't say much. Yet these people ae supposed to be my best friends. Its a hard pill to swallow. Its hard to know that the only people who get it, the only people who support you through the ups and down of this journey, are people you will probably never meet in person. My journey through grief has been long and hard, as you know. My heart yearns for another baby, but my grief won't fade once another baby is born (IF another baby is born). I need you (and the rest of our community) as much as you need me (and us). Don't worry, we all will still be here, new babies or not. I'm sorry things are so hard right now, but you ARE strong. If you weren't, you wouldn't be taking this big step and trying to get off the meds. You are doing the right thing for you, for your body, your family and your future. I am proud of you, and you will get through this. Lean on me/us, talk to me/us about what you are going through, this journey of weaning your meds, whatever. Its what this community is all about. xo

  3. I am sorry things are so hard for you right now. I am mad at your family for their lack of support and I want to let you know that I will always be here.

  4. Oh Margaret, I have been thinking about you a lot and wondering how you have been holding up through things in the last couple weeks. Everything sounds so cliche, but in a few months I hope you can look back and be amazed by where you are....and a few months after that, the same thing. You offered much support in my early stages - I hope that I can return the favor when you need it most. I don't know if you are on FB; if you are, feel free to drop me a line at the email listed on my blog profile and let me know how to find you. If you are not on FB, please feel free to use my email address to drop a line any time you need to unload, decompress, or just bitch about life in general. That's what this community is all about. Hugs to you...big hugs...

  5. Margaret, our babies have bonded us for life. End of story. I don't know about the other mamas, but I'm telling you I won't leave you We'll always be bonded, ALL of us will. Some may move on to other chapters in their lives, and write less, but we'll always have that bond. I understand your feeling though, I wonder, when others have their rainbows and move on, will Grace and I be left? Even if I do have a rainbow, I will still be here, I will have still lost my Grace, my arms will still ache, and you will still be my friend. I'm sorry that our baby's death is what brought us together, but I am glad to have found you. Thank you so much for being here for me, and all of us.

    The pain med fight is indeed a struggle. Please know that we are here for you. You DO have it in you to fight it! you DO! Try not to feel down on yourself for having started with the pain meds to begin with, just fight the fight now. NOW you have the courage, I know you do. Fight fight fight. We're here for you every step of the way. *hugs*

  6. Margaret I am so very sorry you are not getting the much needed support from your family that you need. Please know we are all here for you to support you and remember Calvin. I'm thinking of you. Be gentle with yourself.

  7. Hugssssss Margaret. I have known you from the beginning of my unfortunate blog life and have grown to know and love Calvin and his two sisters. You have me. All the lost baby moms who I gotto know through my blog are very dear to me. I have cried many many tears for every angel baby and every time I think of my Akul I think of all the other angel babies. I will never stop thinking about my angel Akul, so I will always think about yours too. You are an amazing support.

  8. Thank you, with all my heart for speaking of me and my blog. The support that I have received has been almost indescribable. I have been so lifted up by so many wonderful women and feel the most support through the tiny space of my laptop screen (more so than in my RL relationships).

    I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with family and with the pain meds. Wishing that things were easier for you than they are and willing to be an inner voice for you (even when yours is too tired to speak) that tells you that you are worth every struggle you make to get yourself healthy.

    Many hugs.


  9. "I also have been worried about the community of friendship we have here in Dead Baby Land. With all the new rainbow babies being born, I wonder if the support that I so need some days will stay the same."

    I have often worried about the same thing. And unfortunately I am not worrying needlessly. The support has not stayed the same for me. Many very supportive women have had their (living) rainbow babies since Jet died, and they are not longer very supportive of me. They never contact me any more. It's very sad, because I counted a lot on that Dead Baby Land support.

    I'm weaning myself off some anxiety drugs at the moment, after having been on them for about 5 months. It's hard work -- ((hugs)) to you.

  10. Margaret, I am sorry for everything that you are going thru. We all do what we think is the right way to get through this because there is no easy way. I am always around. Send me an e-mail and I will get it on my phone. So no matter where I am I will be there.

  11. Sweet, sweet Margaret...
    I am so sorry that you are having all these worries. And on top of it to fight those nasty painkillers-it is such hard work and I wish I knew an easy answer. Even though I am currently pregnant again, I don't have any living children at all and I worry that I spend way too much time on here at all since other people have "lives" to worry about. But while I can't promise anything, what I know is that even though I may possible have a living child come July, it is still a struggle for me. A rainbow baby, while it is slowly giving me my hope back, will never take away the pain. Like someone said above, I need you as much as you need me. And will continue to! I don't know what it's like to have a newborn and I know I won't have as much time to devote, but I know I will need it and will hopefully be able to. I'm rambling, but I hear you. I just wanted to say I hear you. And that I want to be there for you as much as I can.
    Hugs, my friend

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  13. Margaret, I'm sorry about your family. They really make me feel so angry on your behalf, on Calvin's behalf. You deserve better, he deserves better.

    I hope that the weaning off your painkillers helps. Cold turkey at anything even remotely addictive is incredibly difficult, I've struggled even with caffeine and cigarettes. Just take it gently and go easy on yourself. Please don't be disappointed in yourself, I know you'll do it in the end. I just know it.

    I also worry about our little community here. I feel as though I am being almost 'left behind' (argh, that sounds really self pitying but I can't think of another phrase at the moment, it's late!)

    Will be popping over to visit the three ladies you've mentioned here. xx

  14. Hi,

    I just started reading your blog and realized that our babies passed away at the same hospital - although under very different circumstances but just about a year apart. I am sorry for what you are going through with your family.


  15. We who have lost children will be bonded, through our shared tragedies. I have wondered myself if it will make a difference in how I feel and interact when we finally have our rainbow baby, but honestly I really dont think so. Because you all are the only ones who understand how it feels and how much it hurts.

    I am sorry that your family is not more supportive of you. I am blessed because even though they don't understand what I am going through they are still supportive and listen and grieve with me.

    I hope that this week is better for you.

    I also think that you are doing a very brave thing by trying to detox from your pain meds. That is a very good step and to me says a lot about how strong a person you are and that strength is starting to assert itself once again. I hope that the process will be easier for you this time than it was at the first of the year the first time you tried.

    hugs to you my friend.

  16. Oh. I wrote you a long comment and blogger deleted it :( Short version: I am thinking about you as you try to detox - wishing you complete success.

    Also, I want to keep on with my blog. I need a space that is still Emma's. I still miss her. I am still grieving intensely for her. But I am aware that, with Toby's birth, I am in a different and awkward place. I am hoping to reconcile the different aspects of my grief and joy and still have something to share in this community.

  17. Margaret, this is so incredibly kind of you to inspire other people to support me. Your comments on my blog have always given me a lighter heart somehow, thank you for bearing witness to this terrible grief alongside your own.

    Also I wanted to say that I dont think the friendships you establish here are limited to this grief, some of us may have more children but like others have said, I will never forget my Henry or your Calvin, or the many others that live in my heart, and therefore I will never forget YOU.
    My love...

  18. It breaks my heart that you have suffered so much and that your family refuses to support you.

    I guess I'm one of those "crossed over" mamas. But I can say that, for me, I will always need this community. Always. My children, dead and alive, are with me every day and the women in this community are the only ones who can possibly understand.

    Hugs to you.

  19. I'm so very that your family has not been there for you. It has to be very, very difficult. I know it won't be easy to detox off the meds but I am proud of you for wanting to do that.

    There are quite a few rainbow babies and I think it's valid to be concerned about the support. I'm sure there will be some that will stick around and some that will go. I have actually given this a bit of thought myself, mostly before we found out about our rainbow baby. I have considered leaving this community b/c it is taking me away from the time I should be spending with my family. And frankly, my family is more important than any online community. So, I have taken a step back over the past week and I've decided not to make any final decisions until after Carleigh's birthday.

  20. i've said this before, but i am so angered that your family is so unsupportive. i guess because i know the feeling. i think a lot about the fact that the only support i really get is from my babyloss mama friends, and why the hell can't my real life friends and family acknowledge Leila too? and my goodness, if i lost all of you all, i don't know how i could go on. i will always be here for you, even after (IF) i find my rainbow baby.
    as for the meds, please know that if you ever need to talk i am here. i know all too well what addiction is like, what the stuggle to kick the habit is like, and what life After addiction is like, so don't hesistate to reach out. (i'm always on fb!)
    as always, thinking of you and precious Calvin