Wednesday, April 7, 2010


We've just returned from Easter vacation with Shane's family in Alberta. It was a nice trip, far too much time spent in the car mind you, but nice to get away for a bit. My husband's family is huge, the Easter trip was a family reunion on his mother's side and there were something like forty people there. There were a few moments during the trip that made me feel that twinge of angst knowing that I will never have another child, another son. My husband's sister was there with her four month old baby boy, a darling little guy who is just so handsome and good natured. Watching Elijah creeping and trying to crawl on the grass outside in the backyard tugged at my heart, I miss Calvin so very much these days. Georgia is growing at an alarming rate, my baby now a full fledged toddler, still so very attached to mama but growing more and more independent every day. Watching my Georgia dancing, smiling, walking, running and playing this past week makes me realize how very fast she is changing and I wonder what Calvin would be doing with her had he lived. I'm afraid I made the most horrible mistake in getting my tubes tied because I don't feel as if I am done or ready to be done having babies. Seeing Elijah and baby Alayna being nursed, smelling their sweet smelling heads reminds me of how much I love the newborn stage and how soon my Georgia will no longer be my baby but my little girl. I wonder if I would be feeling the same if Calvin were here with us or whether I would be so exhausted from chasing after two toddlers that I wouldn't have time to think about another baby and how wonderful it would be to make another little person who looks like Shane and me.

I also feel like I am missing out on the expectant joy of pregnancy, that feeling of life inside and the miracle of knowing your baby as they kick and roll and hiccup in your belly. I loved being pregnant despite the stresses of having high risk pregnancies. I loved the feeling of the babies in my womb stretching and pushing and responding to my voice or the food I had eaten. I miss the joy of shopping for little sleepers and newborn clothes with the excitement of the impending birth. Maybe it's the possibility I also miss. Knowing that it's over for me is upsetting when so many women around me are getting pregnant and having babies. I want another baby. I want a son. I know that having a son wouldn't change the sadness I feel over missing Calvin and it wouldn't make his loss easier to bear, I just want a baby boy of my own. When I was pregnant with Lorelei, my dreams were of rough and tumble boys in dirty overalls and curly blonde hair flying in the wind. Of course I fell in love with the idea of having a girl when Lorelei's sex was determined during an ultrasound but I still had hope that eventually I would mother a fearless and adventurous boy. When I became pregnant with the twins, I hoped that at least one of the babies would be a girl because I had so much cute girl stuff from Lorelei that I didn't want to part with so when we found out that we were having a boy and a girl, I was in heaven. Then Calvin died and a piece of me died with him along with the dream of that dirty boy in overalls playing rough and tumble in the backyard. I wish things were different, above all I wish my son had lived. My beautiful, perfect boy with the broken heart, my Calvin. How I miss his presence in my life. The emptiness of his loss, my loss, echos through me during what should be happy moments in my life and leaves me feeling wistful for what should have been. He should have been there with us at that reunion, he should have been running amok and dancing in the backyard with Georgia and the other babes. It should be me that others look at and think..."She is so blessed, so lucky to have such beautiful babies", and make them want to have more children themselves. I can't seem to get over this longing and the feeling that I'm not done yet and I wonder just what the hell I've done....


  1. oh sweetie, i can so relate to that feeling of longing watching other babies. one of my friend's had her baby on my Calvin's due date, and every time i see photos of her and see how much she is growing, i wonder about my boy.

    how does shane feel about having more children? have you thought of other options? adoption? IVF (though i've heard that is really expensive)? is there such thing as a reversal?

    i know having another child will never replace our missing babies or erase the longing we have for them (which I am grateful for), but i, too, want to have another child. i want to be a mommy to a child that lives and grows up.

    thinking of you. ((hugs))

    crystal @Blessed to Be Broken

  2. Margaret, i am sure this is a pain and a longing that will never go away. Calvin is always there watching over you (i like to believe that about Angel too),protecting you.
    It is so very hard watching other pregnant women, other small baby's while we long and wish we could have ours back.
    Is IVF an option for you?It's a long stressful process but I along with many other's are proof that it does work.
    Wishing you peace
    Angel's Mummy xx

  3. I'm wondering too if there are options that are open to you to pursue if you do decide to have another? Even when you know for sure you're done having children, I think a little bit of that longing is always there.

  4. I am there with you..its just not fair.. :(


  5. Oh Margaret. It must be so difficult. I wish your little boy was here, playing with his sister and showing Elijah how to get up to mischief!

    I can tell how much you must have loved pregnancy from the way you've written about it here. I'm crying. For you and for me and for all of us here. I wish that it was always simple and joyful and that we all had the children we expected right here in our arms. x

  6. I wish things were different for you. I wish Calvin was here with you and you had a chance to see him as a newborn and do all the fun things with new babies. It's not fair.
    I wonder what kind of options you might have too? I know another baby will never be a replacement, but it would be nice to know you have some choices if any are possible for you. It doesn't seem right that you are just at an end point. I think you deserve a bit of hope too. Possibilities, not endings. :) (((HUGS)))

  7. Hugs. I read this this morning and was thinking of you much of the day. Maggie said it well, you deserve some hope and I hope that if you want to go through with getting your procedure reversed that the Dr's are open and will help you do that.

  8. I totally get it. I crave and yearn for Akul too. Every time I see a toddler running to his mom and hugging her legs, I feel my heart sink...why can I not have that.

  9. Oh. I am so sad for you. Tears slipped from my eyes as I read. I don't know your story. Only what I have read in this post. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I was blog hopping around tonight via Kelly's blog comments (enjoying the small things) and I stumbled onto this. I will pray for you. So nice to meet you. Sending many blessings.