We've just returned from Easter vacation with Shane's family in Alberta. It was a nice trip, far too much time spent in the car mind you, but nice to get away for a bit. My husband's family is huge, the Easter trip was a family reunion on his mother's side and there were something like forty people there. There were a few moments during the trip that made me feel that twinge of angst knowing that I will never have another child, another son. My husband's sister was there with her four month old baby boy, a darling little guy who is just so handsome and good natured. Watching Elijah creeping and trying to crawl on the grass outside in the backyard tugged at my heart, I miss Calvin so very much these days. Georgia is growing at an alarming rate, my baby now a full fledged toddler, still so very attached to mama but growing more and more independent every day. Watching my Georgia dancing, smiling, walking, running and playing this past week makes me realize how very fast she is changing and I wonder what Calvin would be doing with her had he lived. I'm afraid I made the most horrible mistake in getting my tubes tied because I don't feel as if I am done or ready to be done having babies. Seeing Elijah and baby Alayna being nursed, smelling their sweet smelling heads reminds me of how much I love the newborn stage and how soon my Georgia will no longer be my baby but my little girl. I wonder if I would be feeling the same if Calvin were here with us or whether I would be so exhausted from chasing after two toddlers that I wouldn't have time to think about another baby and how wonderful it would be to make another little person who looks like Shane and me.
I also feel like I am missing out on the expectant joy of pregnancy, that feeling of life inside and the miracle of knowing your baby as they kick and roll and hiccup in your belly. I loved being pregnant despite the stresses of having high risk pregnancies. I loved the feeling of the babies in my womb stretching and pushing and responding to my voice or the food I had eaten. I miss the joy of shopping for little sleepers and newborn clothes with the excitement of the impending birth. Maybe it's the possibility I also miss. Knowing that it's over for me is upsetting when so many women around me are getting pregnant and having babies. I want another baby. I want a son. I know that having a son wouldn't change the sadness I feel over missing Calvin and it wouldn't make his loss easier to bear, I just want a baby boy of my own. When I was pregnant with Lorelei, my dreams were of rough and tumble boys in dirty overalls and curly blonde hair flying in the wind. Of course I fell in love with the idea of having a girl when Lorelei's sex was determined during an ultrasound but I still had hope that eventually I would mother a fearless and adventurous boy. When I became pregnant with the twins, I hoped that at least one of the babies would be a girl because I had so much cute girl stuff from Lorelei that I didn't want to part with so when we found out that we were having a boy and a girl, I was in heaven. Then Calvin died and a piece of me died with him along with the dream of that dirty boy in overalls playing rough and tumble in the backyard. I wish things were different, above all I wish my son had lived. My beautiful, perfect boy with the broken heart, my Calvin. How I miss his presence in my life. The emptiness of his loss, my loss, echos through me during what should be happy moments in my life and leaves me feeling wistful for what should have been. He should have been there with us at that reunion, he should have been running amok and dancing in the backyard with Georgia and the other babes. It should be me that others look at and think..."She is so blessed, so lucky to have such beautiful babies", and make them want to have more children themselves. I can't seem to get over this longing and the feeling that I'm not done yet and I wonder just what the hell I've done....
Intention and Grace
1 month ago