Happiness is so fleeting at times, it seems that when I start feeling better something happens to knock the wind out of my sails and I'm feeling low again. Like what happened at H&R Block and that horrible woman that did my taxes. Thanks to your input, I placed a call to the government to find out exactly whether or not my son's short life "counted" as far as claiming him as a dependent. It turns out that it did, as many of you advised and I returned to H&R with Calvin's birth certificate in hand to have a word with them over their "error". It seems that the woman had already been advised that she had made a mistake when she told me that Calvin's short life did not count and that by not putting him as a dependent on my tax return, she had shorted me of about $2500 in child tax credit. When I arrived to speak with her, she had already done the amendment to my taxes and all that was needed was a copy of Calvin's birth certificate and my signature. She apologized profusely. Although I was somewhat miffed over her insensitive comments about Georgia, and Calvin "not counting", I felt somewhat vindicated.
I am almost off my meds as well. I'm down to the lowest dose twice daily but lately have only needed them to help transition to sleep. The withdrawl has been minimal and I'm thankful for that. It's not the nicest feeling in the world having the heebee-jeebees as you try to go to sleep. Another small thing to rejoice in. And really, it's a big thing because it lets me know that I can beat this thing, that my days of being fuzzed out and not remembering are coming to an end. I've been smiling more, feeling more emotion than I have in a long time and remembering how good it feels to laugh. This spring feels like a rebirth so far and I'm enjoying it.
There has also been a couple of serendipitous happenings in my life financially. Whew! It's been a tough winter and things are coming back together for construction and there is money to be made. And although money isn't everything, when you're used to having alot of it around and then suddenly are struggling, it's nice to get back into the swing of things. I'm learning also that there are things in my life that I can do without that I never imagined before. Material things. I've also learned that material things can never replace people, and that you cannot fill the void of missing someone by filling it with money or drugs or instant gratification. I'm trying not to fill the hole Calvin left in my life with things that don't really matter anymore. It's fruitless. However it seems that the less I fight the void, the less hold it has on me. I still miss my son with everything I have and I expect I always will. This new reality, however much I don't like it some days is becoming part of me, part of my life. The less focus I put on this new reality, and the more I just try to live again the less it rips me apart.
I have also been reminded lately by someone I admire that there is beauty all around us and it is ours for the taking. Today I took advantage of the rain and two sleepy children to crawl into bed myself and listen to the raindrops on the window as I drifted off to sleep. There were things I should have done but that can wait and the nap was as refreshing as the spring rain. My hope is coming back. Like the tide it ebbs and flows, but in this moment I feel it strong and defiant against the winter of loss as it begins to bloom again in my heart. I'm at peace today, and that in itself is another small, but important victory.
Maybe This Year Will Be Better Than the Last*
2 months ago