Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Geoff

I haven't posted in awhile. My Mother's Day and birthday were the focus of my dread last week, willing them both to cheerfully go away if I could. Then they both happened, despite my best intentions for them not to come and the day surprisingly was uneventful and peaceful....for the most part. I say for the most part because it was not my dreaded thirty-nineth birthday or Mother's Day that actually put a heaviness in my heart that day, it was my husband's friend Geoff. Geoff committed suicide on my birthday. On Mother's Day, at the age of thirty. It was a sobering end to a night spent in the warm embrace of family, in good company. Having had a spur of the moment family dinner at my inlaws house, we had gotten home late and I had just retired to the bedroom computer to "check my FB" to view my birthday wishes and there it was....in the form of a status update..."RIP Geoff".

WTF? I was stunned. Immediately saddened and then angry that my husband's friend's death was a status update on FB. I wondered where the etiquette of phone calls had disappeared to, why my husband had to find out that a friend he knew since childhood had died via a FB update. Disturbing and sad. I felt a deep sense of sorrow for Geoff's mother who was spending her Mother's Day facing the news that her son had taken his own life. I was angry at his disregard for the timing of his decision. Committing suicide is a hard enough fate to accept, but learning that it was done on the day that celebrated motherhood was especially disquieting for me. Not wanting to hurt Shane with an angry outburst, I kept my feelings under wraps until the next day when many of us got together at a local pub for beer, hockey and quiet talk about Geoff's loss. Overhearing a comment about how we should "All give his mother some space....", I opened my mouth and disagreed. As a mother who also lost her son, the last thing I wanted at the time of Calvin's loss was silence. I wanted people to tell me that they were sorry. I wanted the comforting arms of loved ones and people who genuinely cared. I couldn't bear the thought that Geoff's mother would be facing his loss in solitude. "Call her," I said..."Let her know how much he meant to you...". It was what I wanted, and I'm sure she needed to hear words like that just as badly as I did at the time. I wanted to jump on my soapbox and educate my husband's friends about loss. I wanted to let them know how painful it is for a mother to lose her child, how no other pain in the universe comes close. I resisted the urge to lecture and instead quietly pleaded with a few to let Geoff's mother know he was loved. It saddens me to think he didn't know how much...

14 comments:

  1. I have heard of so many teenagers taking their life in the last year and each time my heart goes out to their parents. It is indeed sad that people take their own lives and do not think about the impact of their actions on others. I know you had a very hard mothers day and missed Calvin all the time. Hugsssss.

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  2. How terribly sad. That is just heartbreaking

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  3. I am so sorry! I am also so proud of you for standing up and speaking your heart when you could have just as easily not brought up painful memories for yourself! And I think you are probably right...Geoff's mom probably will want/need to be surrounded by people who loved him!

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  4. I am glad your day was peaceful until you learned of this terrible news.

    I am so sorry about your friend. I am glad you said something to your friends, I was in a similar situation recently when a friends brother passed away and people were saying she probably did not want to have to think about it. I guess in some small way we can teach people about the proper things to do, and maybe slowly change the way a few people out there think about this.

    Thank you for the note on my blog last night, I appreciate it.

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  5. I'm so saddened to hear this. I'm glad you spoke up and said to not give his mom space but to let her know she's being thought of.

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  6. M- I'm glad that Geoff's mom has you to advocate for her needs right now, and that some of the friends who will take your advice and can be a small comfort to her. I'm sorry for your loss and your husband's loss. I'm sorry that your mother's day and your birthday had to be filled with sadness on many levels. Love you!

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  7. I am so very sorry to hear that heartbreaking news. I think Geoff's mom will be thankful for your support and your husband's support. She needs it now more than ever. So very sorry, Margaret. (((HUGS)))

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  8. It's sad how many people slip so far down that they feel the best way out is just...out of life all together. So, so sad for those they leave behind. As much as I hurt on a daily basis, I know I'm not hurting anywhere as deeply as they are. I hope Shane and you are doing okay after this tough news.

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  9. sending love to you. what a painful way to hear that news. xx

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  10. Oh, my. Dreadful news and a horrible way to learn about it. I'm so sorry, Margaret. I'm glad you could encourage your husband's friends to call and reach out to Geoff's mother. My heart aches for her. xo

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