Monday, November 8, 2010

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret....

Dear God,

I'm still unsure if you exist or if you're just a crutch scared people use to deal with mortality. I'm sure the idea of death doesn't appeal to most people, in fact I'm sure of it. Not only is there the fear of the unknown but also the fear of being forgotten, of the world carrying on without us. I've struggled with believing in You since Calvin died, something I'd never, ever thought I'd find myself saying. You see, I've ALWAYS believed in You and could always say when asked, "Yes, I believe in God." I wish I could still say those words with the same conviction I once had but I'm no longer the same person I once was though either...

To be honest, I don't think I've ever gotten over being pissed at you. It's been a long and lonely road these past seven years, and it all goes back to when Shane and I started trying to have our family. I remember the joy and excitement I felt when I first learned Shane and I were pregnant for the first time only to have that joy turn to fear and uncertainty when I started bleeding a week later. I begged You to save my baby. I sat in the back pew of St. Ann's Church sobbing and begging You to intervene on behalf of my unborn child and I miscarried anyway. It wasn't that moment or any other particular moment after that caused me to lose faith in You. I guess you could say that it was a culmination of hurt and pain over the six miscarriages and loss of my son that did it in the end. I tried to hold onto my faith, I really did and part of me still wants more than anything to believe in You. Many, many people have offered up "excuses" as to why my son had to die, why You didn't heal him when You could have. I don't believe it one bit when people tell me that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". It's a crock. A cop-out. I've had way more than I have been able to handle and I am damaged emotionally because of the things I've been through in my pursuit of simple happiness. I don't think I will ever be "fixed" or can ever be made whole again. How could I be? Each child we lost took a piece of my heart with them when they went. Calvin's death ripped my soul wide open...It's been almost two years God, two years of doubting in You, in being angry at You and in living without my son. Some days I'm surprised I've survived. I bet You are too.

As Calvin's Angel Day approaches all I can do is hold out hope. Hope that by some miracle I will get a sign, a reassurance that my son lives with You in Heaven and that we will be together some day. Hope that I find a measure of peace in this coming week and a feeling of comfort in knowing that my son is remembered and loved. Hope that I have survived this nightmare for some divine reason...because if it were my way, it wouldn't have happened. If it were MY way, Calvin would be blowing out candles on his birthday cake with Georgia on Wednesday. If it were MY way, I would have no knowledge of this babylost community and all the pain and suffering that these other women I've come to know and love have been through. If it were MY way, I'd never be torn between believing and a sense of utter abandonment. Are You there God? If you are, please help me make it through the dreaded anticipation of next week, and tell my boy I love him.


  1. Margaret, I'll be thinking of you on Calvin's angel day while also remembering Alexandra, since they fall on the same day. Hopefully, their celebrating together. ((((HUGE HUGS))))

  2. I too wish I never knew this place.. for all BLM's and I'm so greatful I have them becuase well.. I need them. Always thinking of your sweet boy and I will remember Calvin on his angel day with you and light a candle to remember him.

  3. My sweet Margaret... I so feel your pain. It's all so very, very hard and completely unfair. Calvin is perfect and should be here, with his Mama, with his twin sister. There are no answers, no comfort to ease our broken hearts. I do take comfort, however, that Nicholas and Calvin are the best of friends and sending strength and love to their mommy's each day.... Love you so much.. strength and peace to you. Hope you got our card.

  4. Margaret,

    It is so, so hard. I can't pretend to understand what you go through, missing your boy. But when my sweet niece was stillborn almost 3 years ago (she was a twin herself), I felt myself go through a gamet of emotions. Anger at God, disbelief, pure denial, absolute darkness... it was all there. Sometimes I still feel it like it was just yesterday.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you- I hope you can feel a sense of peace. Many hugs.


  5. Oh Margaret, I've written many posts very similar to this one. I too hate the "excuses" that everyone comes up with. I don't believe any of them. I never thought I'd wouldn't believe in God. I don't believe I'll ever be "fixed" either. Because it's simply not possible. I wish I could hope that my children are together .. that I might see them again one day, but I don't really believe it. Because if I believed that, then I'd have to believe in God. And I don't. Not any more.

  6. Margaret,

    I just love you. I can't believe people pretend to know what God is thinking or doing, or how they think they know how much you are handling or not. The "excuses" you share baffle me. I'm sorry you have to filter through it.

    There are not words to describe the heartache and devastation you have experienced. I've often thought and failed at what to write to give you support and comfort. There are no words.

    All the things you ask for in this blog, I pray for you fervently and will continue to do so. I want you to have hope and joy. I want more than anything for you to be able to believe that you will be reunited with your son one day. I will think of Calvin and Georgia tomorrow, on our birthday. But mostly I will be thinking of their beautiful mother, who has touched many lives with her pain and her heart and comfort.

    I love you, love you, love you.

  7. Oh Margaret, I could have written SO much of this myself. I have spent two years wrestling with belief and disbelief and faith. Thank you for expressing it more eloquently than I ever could.

    Remembering your precious son on his birthday and wishing you the peace you need this coming week.

  8. Thinking of you and your beautiful twins, Georgia and Calvin, tomorrow. I'm so sorry Margaret. I wish it had been YOUR way.

  9. Thinking of you and Calvin today and the next few days. I wish there was more I could do for you.

  10. Coming in late, Margaret, but wanted to let you know I'm still here and reading.
    I am missing your beautiful Calvin with you. I think of you all so often.