Saturday, January 23, 2010

Family Relations

This coming Monday I am confronting a deep pain that I have carried with me for over a year now. I am going to visit my family five hours away and I have every intention of letting them know that by not attending the funeral of my son, they have hurt me very deeply. I'm bringing Calvin's book so that if they choose, they can meet my son and see what he endured in his short life. I have tried to speak of Calvin over the phone a few times with my grandmother until she snapped at me one time and told me that all I ever talk about anymore is my dead son. It cut me to the core. I was absolutely gutted by her comment and since then have merely muttered, "I'm fine", when asked how I am doing. It's awful to live with the knowledge that there is such little care about my feelings, so little love, that my family could pass on coming to the funeral of a child who was very much wanted and loved by my husband and myself. To be honest, the day of Calvin's funeral, even though I was in a complete daze, I was very much aware of their absence. I never even received a sympathy card. It has made me bitter towards my remaining family, the few relatives I have left on my mother's side. Some days I wonder if I should just cut all ties completely because it is clear that there is very little interest in my life. The reason I keep hanging on is my mother. My mother, my sole caretaker when I was a child is dying. She has been in the terminal stages of MS for years now, any little infection could kill her. My mother is someone I love with my whole heart despite the rocky time we went through during my teenage years. While I am extremely grateful for my grandmother's complete devotion to my mother, dealing with her has been a nightmare. To say I am intimidated by this ninety-one year old woman is an understatement. I'm literally terrified of having to have this conversation with her.

It's amazing to me how when I talk of my grandmother and my relationship with her people tend to laugh or dismiss her mean streak as age. I can probably only count on one hand the number of visits I've had with her since I was a teenager where she hasn't made me cry. On one hand, I love her so very much and I admire her strength for enduring so much pain and hardship in her life. My grandmother came from a very poor family in Ireland and in the early 1920's travelled by steamer (in steerage) to Canada where her parents hoped to live a new life. Her mother died on the voyage over of tuberculosis and when they landed in Canada, her father gave all five kids up for adoption. My grandmother, being the oldest was the only one who never got a family. She lived in foster care most of her life in very poor conditions and was treated basically as a slave. She definitely had her share of hard work growing up. Part of her was damaged during those years though, the emotional part of her took such a beating that she became bitter and unable to empathize. She has very little tolerance for things that she doesn't agree with and she has no qualms about speaking her mind if things don't meet her approval. At best, her tirades are embarassing, especially when she goes off in public. At worst, she has hurt me so deeply by attacking everything in my life I am sensitive about until I have been crying in hurt and frustration and there's nothing I can do but sit there and take it. Truthfully, there are many times that if she hadn't been old and if I didn't feel indebted to her for taking care of my mother that I would have liked to have punched her in the mouth for some of the cruel things she has said to me. At the same time, she can be so kind and generous it's like Jekyll and Hyde. She makes me feel like an infant for the most part even though I now tower over her in height. To say I am looking forward to this confrontation is a joke but it's something I have to do for me and for my son.

I think one of the reasons that Shane and I have had for the most part such a good marriage is that we both come from families where we have felt disappointment. I think the disappointment we have experienced growing up made us realize what we wanted for ourselves and our children. I wanted my children to feel loved most of all, to know they are valued. I wanted my children to feel secure and safe within the confines of our family and know that they could count on their dad and I to be there for them no matter what we may face down the road. I have been told many times by not only my therapist but by others that I cannot continue to let the lack of interest in my life that my family has, keep hurting me. I have been told to "create" the family I had always wished for growing up. For some reason, I can't let go. I can't let go of the hurt I have felt by my family's apathy in regards to Calvin's life and death. I can't let go of the feeling of being silenced by my grandmother when she told me that all I do is talk about my dead son. I cannot let go of the disappointmet that my family who looks so wonderful on the outside, has very little substance on the inside. This trip may break my ties altogether or it may help them realize that I am here and I am hurting. I'm not holding out any hope for one of those "lightbulb" moments where they all get it and apologize even though it would be nice. I guess I'm mainly doing it so that I can purge some of the crap I've been carrying around for a year now and let it go. I need to do it to honour Calvin and myself, and even though I am scared to death of how it will go, I know that afterwards I will have done what I have set out to do and for that I can be proud. Wish me luck...

20 comments:

  1. We'll be praying for you during this stressful time. From your description of your grandmother, I don't really expect much. But God is still capable of miracles! ((hugs))

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  2. Your family doesn't need a lightbulb moment you do hun. Family doesn't mean they have the right to treat you so poorly. NONE of my family, other then my one brother and SIL came to either E or L's funerals. NONE of them, no aunts/uncles/cousins or even my own mother. No one sent cards, or flowers. No one acknowledged them dying. Still to this day, nothing. I have spent so many years worrying about others, and worrying about how their actions affected me and i'm done with it. If my own family can't be there to support me through the 2 more horrific, heartbreaking times in my life then I don't need them. I hate to say it, but your grandmothers history doesn't give her the right to treat others like garbage. Yes she had a rough life, but you take things from what you went through and learn. You learn from the heartache and the good times, and through the bad you know what not to replicate. She is treating you the way she was treated. Its no excuse. I hope you can come to peace with her behaviour and know that you deserve better then her. You have been through more then enough, having your family support you through the horrible times should be #1. Thinking about you on this journey. *hugs*

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  3. I think this is incredibly brave and wise of you.. no matter the outcome, you are doing this for YOU and your son, and whether they apologize and accept what they've done as wrong, or not..it doesn't matter.. you say your piece.. you speak up for what matters to you.. hugs and sending good thoughts and prayers your way!!

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  4. I am so sorry to hear about how your family is about Calvin and how they never attended his funeral. I can't even imagine how much pain that has caused you. I am happy that you are going to confront your family on how you feel. I will be thinking about you! xo

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  5. I do not envy your encounter with your family. I just hope you realize the only thing that really matters is your true family - You, Your Husband, Your Children, & your Angel. They are your rock, your source of comfort, Your Life Line. Everyone else that doesn't help you during this time is not family -- even if they are blood related. So sorry that you have to deal with this, not what you need to help you heal.

    Peace,
    Ben

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  6. I hope for you that they realize how hurtful and nasty they have been... If they don't, then they aren't worth worrying over and tell them exactly that. I credit you for putting up with it this long... I know I couldn't have... Hugz!

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  7. M~I have butterflies thinking of how stressful this will be for you, this confrontation will not be easy and I'm nervous for you. You are worth so much, as long as you know that they do not validate your worth, and that this is for your own purging, your son's honor, and that anything else is a bonus. Sending you so much love. I will be thinking of you on Monday. Safe travels.

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  8. Margaret I really hope you are able to find peace in some way or the other. Some family members asked to put Akul's pics away and I asked them to take out all their children's pictures and put them away first. I just told them to stop talking about their kids and then tell me to stop talking about mine and then I just continued to talk to them like nothing happened. Sometimes I feel like a lost baby parent rep educating people on what to say and what to not say!!!!

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  9. Oh Margaret. I wish you didn't have to go through all of this. In a difficult time, we hope that our family are at least able to be there for us. I hope there is a positive outcome to this.

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  10. Good Luck but i'm so sorry to hear how they have treated you! That is absolutley awful. i hope this trip they realize how they have made you feel and chose to look @ Calvin's book and try to know him on some level. I really do hope..... *hugs* be strong.

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  11. i will be thinking of you lots! i hope that you find some peace, you certainly deserve it. i'm so sorry for all that you've been through with your family. sending you hugs. <3

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  12. I am amazed at how brave you are to confront those who have hurt you. I have never heard my Dad speak my daughters name, but I don't know that I could ever tell him how hurtful that is to me. I am praying that this will be healing for you, only because you are sticking up for your son, not because your Grandmother will respond correctly.

    I am sorry you are having to deal with this. In a time like this, you would think a family would be your biggest support! How sad that they do not love you as you need.

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  13. Crap, I feel your stress. I haven't spoken with my own dad for years now. I finally realized that he will never have a lightbulb moment and I had to walk away for my own sanity. But it took me many many years of trying before I came to that conclusion. I hope you are able to open their hearts and receive some much-needed tenderness from them.

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  14. I am so sorry. So very sorry. I take our childrens' books with us (and their ashes) when I travel. I want people to have the opportunity to know them, even if it is after their deaths, and it breaks my heart when people are mean.

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  15. I just want to say that you are a brave woman and that Calvin will with be with you no matter where you go.

    I know what you mean about old age and bad behaviour, I have seen it many times. I pray that your family will understand the pain that you have been going through and will be supportive.

    If not then you will still be a brave woman carrying on with her life and missing her dear son. They cannot take that from you.

    Margaret, I added your blog link because I added your book as one of my picks.

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  16. Thinking of you today and yesterday, praying that you get the outcome you need.

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  17. Thinking of you. You are so strong.

    My husband's dad is the only person who hasn't acknowledged our loss. He finds it heartbreaking, even though his dad has never been there for him - it's not exactly out of character.

    I hope you feel better for speaking out.

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  18. I'm so sorry for the way that your family have reacted to Calvin's death. I find it incomprehensible how they could be so very unkind.

    It is hard when someone that you love is so relentlessly negative. Your grandmother sounds like such a strong lady but perhaps, as you say, the experiences of her early life left their mark on her ability to empathise with others.

    I hope it some consolation to you that your own children will never feel such disappointment in the family that you and Shane have created for them. All your children know how loved and cherished they are. Calvin included. I feel certain of that. xo

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  19. It won't be easy but I think that you are brave for wanting to do this. I am hoping it will go better than expected. If your family can't accept Calvin then I feel sorry for them for not wanting to know a wonderful little boy. He just may change their lives.

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  20. Hi Margaret,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings and emotional struggle with the loss of your son, I'm so sorry you and your husband had to go through that. Know that your feelings do matter, so don't let anyone tell you or make you feel otherwise. Stay strong and keep your head up!

    Best,
    Hua

    --
    Director of HealthBlogger Networks
    www.wellsphere.com

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