Christmas Eve is upon us and if there is one thing I could wish for all of you is a feeling of peace in your hearts. I know how difficult the holidays can be, especially if this is your first Christmas in mourning. Last year was terrible for us, Calvin had been gone only six weeks before Christmas came. It was an empty, hollow feeling as we trimmed the tree and went through the motions for our other children, truly our hearts weren't in it. This year I looked forward to Christmas with hope. Hope for peace, hope for the return of joy in our hearts, hope for acceptance. So far I am doing okay. Although the holidays have not quite turned out as I had hoped, we are healthy, we are together and I am not sobbing twenty hours out of the day for missing my son. I do miss Calvin. If I close my eyes and imagine, I can picture him on Christmas morning in a fuzzy blue sleeper, curly hair messy as he sits next to his sister ripping into presents. It makes me smile to think of him like that but it also tears at my heart knowing that it isn't our reality as much as I would like it to be.
For some, their losses will be muted with new babies this Christmas. New reasons to smile and celebrate and while a new baby will never replace the ones we long for, I've heard that the pain is softened with the return of joy and the promise of tomorrow.
For all of us, whether we are mourning, celebrating a new life or spending the holidays with familiar faces, it would be my wish that each and every one is blessed with a sense of peace, love and hope as we prepare to say good-bye to the old year and usher in the new. Sending you all my love....
1 week ago