Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Sad Day

I miss my baby. Just typing those words has been enough to get the tears rolling down my cheeks and sobs shaking between my shoulder blades as I try to be quiet in my grief. Some days when I feel sad like this, I hate pretending. I hate stifling my tears because I'm worried about scaring the girls. Oh my God, I've felt them coming on since yesterday when I laid down to sleep and Shane told me, it had been thirteen months. Thirteen months since the births of our babies. I can't believe it. That day feels so fresh and new it could have been yesterday. Maybe because it's burned into my brain as one of the greatest days of my life. Remembering the joy brings an acute awareness of the sorrow, of the emptiness. I can't believe how much my life has changed in the last eighteen months. I can't believe how different I feel now as compared to before I got the diagnosis of Calvin's defect and the joy was suddenly sucked out of my life. Today I feel old and sad. Today I just want to curl up in a ball and howl because I'm tired of having to hold it together. I need a day to fall apart and not worry about the kids or Shane or anything else in life. Even now, as I'm writing and thinking about my baby boy and holding back those sobs, Lorelei has just come in and asked me in all her four year old wisdom, "Mom, why are you crying, are you crying because you miss Calvin?". I do. I miss him with every breath in my body, every hair on my head, every fibre of my existence. I miss the things I'm never going to get to do with him, the growing and changing and learning and discovering and exploring. I miss seeing those "cute" baby moments that make you laugh like hell because they're so adorable. I miss holding him and kissing him and smelling him and the feel of his hand. I'm so sad that I can't give him the love I have for him and the insanity of thought that comes when you're babylost. I'm tired of the searching, the crazy thoughts, the morbid reality of my child in the ground and thoughts of reborn dolls and cloning and dna and IVF and digging him up and grave blankets and thoughts of how, how we can fix this. How can I fix this? How can I bring him back, how can I give Shane a son, how can I make everything normal again? How can I make it better for Calvin who is dead now and missing out on the life he was supposed to have with me and his dad and sisters? How can I get better? I thought I was. I want Christmas this year, I don't ache like this every day, I certainly don't cry everyday anymore. But I think about him. I think about him during every part of my day, in all the mundane things I do. I think about him when I lay down to sleep eyes wide open and staring at the wall. I think of him as I kiss Georgia and close my eyes and remember how his fuzzy hair felt against my cheek, my lips. I want this to go away. I want someone to fix this for me, cut my memories out of my head so there is no more sadness...I hate being without him. I never wanted to be this person.

12 comments:

  1. Oh Margaret! I feel that longing. I have those same morbid thoughts. I'm sending you BIG hugs all the way across the country. xoxo

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  2. I am so sorry sweetie. The further along I get in this pregnancy, the more I am swept back to Josie's sudden passing last October. It's just really, really hard some days, isn't it. I understand. *HUGE hugs* and so much love to you XxxxX

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  3. Margaret - I hear you and I feel for you so deeply and with such intense understanding.... It's so hard to believe and accept that this is the path our lives have taken.

    I truly hope that Calvin and Nicholas have met in Heaven and are comforting each other just as you have done for me.

    Love to you....xo

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  4. your post deeply touched me. I am so sorry that you are hurting today. i think it all hits us like that when we least expect it, which makes it worse.

    truly hoping that you find some peace in the coming days. thinking of you and praying for you ~~hugs~~

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  5. Sending you prayers and warm thoughts...

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  6. It's agony not to be able to change what's happened to all of us. Thinking of you and sending you love. And soon will be posting you the Stolen Moments Wrap, which I finished the other day! (((Hugs)))

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  7. I'm so sorry, Margaret. I wish we could all have our babies back. Sending you love and a long, tight hug!

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  8. Margaret~ I am so sorry..I wish there were words..anything to help.. I miss him and Ella with you.. I just don't believe moms were structured to deal with this sort of loss..

    HUGS!

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  9. Oh Margaret. I'm so terribly sorry. I also have lots of the same thoughts, those 'how can I fix this' thoughts.
    I wish I could change things, I wish that Calvin could have the life and the love that you and Shane and his sisters would have given him. xo

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  10. Oh margaret, i hope the days have been kinder to you since you wrote this. i know how you feel. sometimes you think you are getting away from the pain, but then the reality of the permanence of this loss comes calling. i am so sorry that your sweet calvin is not here to live the life he should have been granted with you. sending so many thoughts and prayers your way. you are on my mind as the holidays approach.

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  11. I was thinking about you today and wondering how you were doing, so I wanted to stop by and say hi, and just let you know that you are in someones thoughts.

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