Saturday, July 18, 2009

Baby of Mine

Georgia's milestones are coming fast and furious right now. She has now cut four teeth, started sitting, started crawling and is now standing. It feels like sand slipping from my fingers as I watch her babyhood melt away. I want it to stop. I need her to stay this way for awhile longer so that I can continue to hug and kiss her as often as I want, run my lips through her downy hair, stroke her little body while I'm feeding her and feel her nuzzle into my neck as she's drifting off to sleep. She's so perfectly lovely. Her skin is incredibly soft and there is nothing better than hearing her say mama as she lifts her arms up to reach for me. I'm so in love with this baby. In so many ways my heart is tender towards my youngest girl, she is my last baby, she is the other half of her brother and in alot of ways, she is me. She looks more like me than Lorelei did, in fact other than having my ears and my dad's hands and feet, Lorelei is all Shane. Georgia is so much more me, she looks so very much like me as a baby and she's very mellow and smiley. Her temper is a wonder to behold when she gets there but it takes her a good while to get mad enough to let it show. She has me completely wrapped around every one of her chubby fingers, I would do anything for her. In a way, I feel like I'm beginning to mourn the loss of her babyhood, because it's going by so quickly now. I remember the time when Lorelei became more independent and wanted to do things more her way. She stopped seeking my approval all the time, stopped needing me to the basic things for her that I had always done and it stung a little. It stings now tenfold because unless we adopt or do IVF, Georgia will be my last child. I love having her depend on me to feed her, change her and lift her up. I have enjoyed experiencing things with her that I never got to do with Lorelei. When Lorelei was first born, because she was premature and so tiny, the doctors admonished me to handle her as little as possible. They were afraid that too much stimulation would burn calories and she couldn't afford to lose any more weight than she already had. Georgia was with me from the delivery room on, in fact I held her more in the first few days of her life then I held Lorelei in the first month. My girls are growing so fast and I don't know how to stop time from passing by so quickly. Shane and I discussed how I've been feeling about this tonight and we both agree that I probably wouldn't be feeling so much angst if Calvin were here with us. Our family would be complete and I would be able to enjoy watching our twins achieve their milestones without that feeling of doom that I would never be able to have more children. Because if my son were here, I wouldn't want any more. If he were here with us, instead of mourning the loss of my fertility, I would be celebrating our family and revelling in our babies progress. I miss him so much. I miss the possibility of his life and being able to measure his achievements against his twin's. Now as I watch my Georgia grow all too quickly, all I can do is wonder. Wonder if he would be doing all the things she is doing right now. Wonder if his heart surgery would have held him back developmentally. Wonder if he would prefer me like Georgia does. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine them playing together, chewing blocks or batting at a dangly toy across from each other. It makes me smile but it also makes me sad. Lorelei is so intune with my feelings alot of the time that she constantly asks me if I wanted a "little girl, little girl, little boy..." because she senses that I don't feel complete without Calvin. She's insecure because I love Georgia, worried that because I love her sister then I can't possibly love her. I do love her. I love her more than anything, but with Lorelei, I accepted her growing up because I knew we would have more babies. It's different with Georgia and very hard to accept, because she is my last child. Oh God, I want more babies....


  1. I'm sorry - it's sometimes too much to mourn our babies and then to have more loss on top of that is overwhelming. Sending you much love.

  2. My mother had three kids. We would often ask her which one of us she likes best and she would reply, "You are my fingers. whichever finger you cut, my pain will be the same." Your daughers sound so precious...but I understand why your heart still yearns for the baby you lost. Hugsssssssss

  3. Akul's mama - that is such a lovely saying.

    Even though Georgia is a bit younger than Jessica, she is obviously far more advanced. Standing and talking still haven't been mastered quite yet. It does go by far too quickly. I love the description of your bond with Georgia.

    I'm so sorry for what you went through with Lorelei. It is so difficult when you are conscious of the balance between the need to keep their weight gain going and need to bond.

    I do the closing my eyes thing too. Sometimes I almost think I can see Georgina giggling with her sister.

    I think I know that feeling of incompleteness. If Georgina had survived, I'm sure that I wouldn't be contemplating having any more children.

    I can't imagine what you are going through Margaret. Love and hugs to you xxx