In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Rainbow Baby
There has been lots of talk amongst the blogs lately about rainbow babies, the baby that comes after your loss. I know alot of the other mothers are wanting to have another baby, in fact my blog friends Lea, Sally and Mirne are pregnant as we speak with their rainbow babies. I've been obsessed with having another baby lately. Maybe it's because Georgia is growing so fast and I know she will be our last child. Maybe it's because I'm in mourning over the loss of my fertility after having my tubes tied when the twins were born. I don't know. In a way, Georgia was my rainbow baby. While letting go of Calvin, I still had his beautiful twin sister to care for. It wasn't possible for me to take some time, avoid babies and grieve. I cried my loss while holding her, while nursing her and at night as I rocked her. I have loved this baby more than I ever thought possible with a deeper, more nurturing love than I had with Lorelei. Don't get me wrong, I love Lorelei so much that I would do anything for her, she is my firstborn, my miracle. She was, however, a very non-cuddly, independent baby who became daddy's girl from the get-go, preferring him to me. Georgia on the other hand wants me and only me most of the time. She cries if I walk by her and don't pick her up when she's smiling at me. Her first word was mama, where Lorelei's was dada. I don't want her babyhood to end, she's growing too fast. I want nothing more than a houseful of cribs with chubby content babies sleeping in them. I told Shane that if we ever won the lottery, I would want to travel to India for IVF with about six Indian surrogates. That way, I'm sure we could bring home at least two more babies...It's actually my dream right now to travel to India for the surrogacy programs they offer. It is extremely affordable and it benefits not only the couples struggling to have a baby, but the surrogate and their families as well. That and adoption seem to be our only routes right now. I have also checked into a program in the States that adopts "dumpster babies" out to rescue families. They have adopted out over six hundred unwanted babies to the US and Canada over the last few years. However, because of the Hague treaty signed in 2008, Canadians have a harder time adopting from the US. There is more paperwork, more fees, and more red tape. Overall, to adopt a child from the US costs approximately $30,000.00 and that's without the agency charging a fee. Maybe I'm just greedy. I had my rainbow baby, but I want another. I'm not sure if it will ever happen for us but maybe, just maybe it will.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.