Thursday, July 30, 2009

Today I Feel...

Saddened by how the loss of my son has affected every area of my life.

Scared about what tomorrow may bring and whether or not I will have the strength to face it.

Doubtful that my life will ever have any semblance of normalcy again.

Defective because my tubes are tied and I cannot naturally conceive again to give my husband the one thing he wants.

Powerless that I can't bring Calvin back.

Withdrawn from friends and family who have no idea what it feels like to be living suspended above hell.


Today I feel like dying. I think my insides are already there...

There is no hope, and that in itself is devastating.

Like a failure. As a wife, as a mother, as a woman.

That I need someone to reach out and pull me back from the edge, because I feel my life spiralling downward.

Rage that I couldn't stop everything that happened, and that God has let me down.

Like crying, and I have been. All fucking day.


  1. Oh Margaret I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I wish I was there to pull you from the edge and give you a big hug. I have read somewhere that crying actually releases certain elements from our bodies that make us feel better once they are gone (sorry this is so un-technical, but I don't have the book in fromt of me.) So cry all night too if it helps you to feel better. I hope you find something to lift your spirits.

  2. I'm so sorry, Margaret. I wish I could give you a big hug! You're not a failure, you have so many gifts and people who love you and you've given me hope that one day I'll be able to give birth to a baby. I'm thinking about you and sending you prayers and love.


  3. Oh, hon, so sorry you`re feeling so crappy. Sending much love & big hugs. xoxo

  4. I wish I were there. I'm so sorry you are so down right now. I would be there for you if I could. I am thiking of you from here. Take care of yourself and keep breathing.
    Love Lindsay

  5. ((hugs)) Margaret. I'm sorry you're having such a down day. xx

  6. I'm so sorry that you are having such an awful time. Thinking of you.
    I know that it is hard not to blame yourself, to think that you failed. I do it myself, I feel like I failed my girls sometimes.
    But I don't think you failed Margaret. I can tell how much you loved Calvin in your writing, you would have done anything, anything for him. In the end that is all that any of us can do. Love. xx

  7. You have not failed at all. You have been and continue to be a wonderful mom. You nurture your child through your blog and send lots of love his way. You have cried and continue to cry many many tears for him. You send him love and each time you reach out to another lost baby mom you actually reach out to Calvin. You are an amazing woman who is able to give even when she herself is in pain. I am sure Calvin is extremely proud of his amazing mom.

  8. i'm a little late, but i am so sorry you are feeling this way. i feel the same way about alot of that too. i am right there on the edge with you. so i guess while we're both there, i'll give you a great big hug. and please don't believe that you are a failure. you are an amazing mommy to Calvin and a wonderful wife to Shane and they are so very lucky to have you. please don't think anything otherwise. i hope the sun has started to shine a little for you. :)

  9. I know this is an inappropriate place to ask about this, but I searched for your e-mail and couldn't find it anywhere. I'd like to send you a tiny surprise, but I need your address... (if that's 100% ok with you)

    There's also a link to my e-mail in my blog profile page.. :)