Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I Might Have Known...

My period came today. I might have clued in to the how's and why's I've been so emotional this week. It's so hard to differentiate now, is it PMS or is it grief? Since having the twins, my cycle has been a nightmare I'll admit. Shortly after Calvin and Georgia were born, I developed a massive e.coli infection in my uterus and bladder. In fact, immediately after Calvin died, my bladder quit working and because I was retaining almost a litre of urine, I had to have a catheter put in for fear it would burst. I figured at the time that it was the trauma of holding my son while he died, that my body was just shutting down. It made sense, I had developed a sudden migraine as we left the ICU and by the time we returned upstairs to my room I was vomiting and shaking uncontrollably. When I could no longer pee I assumed it was the grief. Ten days later I was almost rehospitalized when the infection was discovered. It took eight weeks on antibiotics and some pretty heavy duty narcotics to clear up the pain and the infection. Since then, when my period comes, not only is it like someone has turned on a tap, but the emotions that go with it are devastating. I'm not kidding and had almost always shrugged the notion of PMS off before my children were born. Sure, I had the occassional bout of irritability, the odd migraine and extreme carb cravings the week before my period but really, it was such a part of my life it didn't phase me at all. Now it feels like the world is going to end, that everything is so horrible I can't stand it anymore and I'm not sure if my hormones are all messed up or whether it's the grief being magnified by my cycle. Shane just shook his head when I told him my period had come. I should have known was his reply...I wonder if any of you have dealt with the same problems since having your children/baby? Does your cycle intensify your grief? Is there anything you can take to help ease the emotional end of PMS and grief combined? Feedback would be truly appreciated on this one...Love you guys.


  1. For me, yes my cycle made my grief unbearable, but that is also because the first cycle after I lost Hope, we were trying again. And it took us seven months, which I realise is nothing now but at the time it was the purest form of hell I know.
    Not sure I have any advice though, just ride through it somehow. I found by about day 2, I was normally feeling "ok" again. I just have a very different type of ok now.

  2. My cycles returned to normal quickly after Sam's death but I definitely react differently than before. It's a reminder that I'm not pregnant, that my body has other plans, that I'm not in control and it reminds of the miscarriage I had 5 months after Sam died. I lose it every month and go into a serious funk until the resignation sets in and then, unbelieveably, hope, thinking "maybe this month"...

    I think we have to remember that on top of our overwhelming grief, we had to handle being post-partum. Not easy. Much love.

  3. Turns out my horrible few days earlier this week conincided with the exact same thing. I don't think it was just bad luck.
    But I also never had PMS before the girls were born, all those hormones just never seemed to change my mood terribly.
    I can't decide if it is the hormones that make me feel worse or the psychological side of things. That completely obvious, undeniable sign of not being pregnant anymore.
    My husband did the exact same head shaky thing too. Understandable yet infuriating.
    If I find the trick to riding it out, I'll let you know. xx

  4. No insight here... But, we're in sync. I turn into a raging maniac a few days before my cycle. It was so bad this time around that I've decided to try cutting sugar out of my diet...not all of it, just the scoops I put on my breakfast cereal, the candy, chocolate, cookies, juice, soda, etc... that I have been bingeing on. My headache went away after the first day (That would have been Sunday). I haven't been super consistent since then, but, hey, maybe it will help.