The Meltdown

The meltdown happened at about nine o'clock last night. It had been building for awhile, that uncomfortable pressure, like someone has corked a steam kettle. When the cork popped, the emotional trainwreck that followed was of epic proportion. I cried, I freaked out, I became a one woman snot factory. I scared the shit out of my husband, thank God the kids were sleeping. After it was done (about three o'clock this morning), I was spent. And embarassed, and sad. Embarassed that my husband has NEVER seen me so utterly and hopelessly fucked up, embarassed that I had actually put words to some of the things I have been thinking of lately and worried that he now thinks I'm a complete mental case. Maybe I am. How tragically sad that I have worried my husband to the point where he thinks I'm a danger to myself. How sad that there is now this wall of words between us that I can't knock down, the things that have been haunting me that I should have kept to myself. It's also pretty tragic that there is still that magnitude of sadness in my heart, the kind of sadness that just seems to cast a shadow over everything good in my life. I miss my son. I miss him to the point where I want to be with him sometimes, and that I suffer with guilt over the fact that he is alone in the ground, alone in his death. I feel like I should be with him. Shane doesn't understand my thinking at all. He said he wishes Calvin was with us, not the other way around. Of course, I do too, more than anything. I would probably give up eternity to have him back with us but I know it's not possible. The devil himself is highly unlikely to appear on my doorstep offering me a deal regardless of whether or not I would take him up on it. So there it stands, out in the open for all to see. Sometimes I would rather die than live like this. Sometimes I want nothing more than to go to the cemetery and dig up my son so that I could hold him again. It's horrifying, I know. But I'm not going to commit these unspeakable acts, it's just the way I feel sometimes. People don't get it. I don't get it. I should have tried harder to keep my feelings under wraps, to contain my sorrow. I am too emotional for that, I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see and for that I get hurt and judged quite a bit. If I could compartmentalize my feelings for Calvin, shove them away somewhere until I could take them down and deal with them with the appropriate words and response, I would. I'm not made that way. So I continue to embarass and horrify and for that I feel utter and total regret. All I can hope for now is to move past my outburst and keep my head up and hope that I get over the feeling of being judged. If anything, judge me as someone who is very, very sad, not someone who is crazy. I can accept sad but crazy goes nowhere with me.