Friday, June 5, 2009


Georgia cut her first tooth today. I've known it's been coming for awhile now because of the obvious signs such as excessive drooling and chewing but I didn't expect it would be this soon. I feel like my baby is growing up far too quickly. It makes me sad in a way, although I rejoice in these moments like any other parent does. However, it's not to say that it doesn't leave me with a touch of melancholy as well. I wonder if Calvin would be cutting a tooth too or whether he would be a bit behind developmentally had he survived surgery and ECMO. It's amazing to me how much the daily wondering has become part of my life. It's hard to explain to other babylost mamas, this angst, the unsettled feeling of being half happy, half sad. I tried to put a voice to how being the parent to a surviving twin felt, how even though you are dying inside from losing a child, you still have to roll out of bed everyday to take care of the other baby. I feel I offended some of you and for those that read my blog, I apologize if it came out as trite. I realize that many of the women I talk with at the Glow lost either their first baby or it was a single pregnancy which makes the situation a little different than what I've faced. I don't know grief any other way than to focus the frustrated, broken hearted love I have for Calvin, on Georgia. I know many of the parents who have lost babies have a certain feeling of "At least you still have one...." Yes, I do have a surviving, beautiful baby girl. But I lost my only son too. And it hurts just as much. Sometimes, I admit, that when Calvin had first died, I longed for time of my own. It's not that I resented Georgia's presence, it's just that when he died, I wanted to cry, I wanted to sleep, I wanted to take a break from the world and just grieve. Imagine the worst emotional pain you've ever been through and not being able to focus on your emotions or feelings because you have absolutely no choice about being out of bed, taking care of another person's needs. There was talk about avoiding people's babies, how when their baby died, they wouldn't want to see anyone else's baby because it reminded them too much of what they had lost. I dealt with that (and still do) every minute of every day when I look at Georgia. If my talk of ''the luxury" of baby avoidance offended because it was a necessity for some to keep their sanity, I apologize, truly I do, it's just that I wasn't able to do that, even though there were times that I wished I could. I miss my son. I love Georgia for both of them. It's complicated, but it's my reality.


  1. I think it is an impossible situation, no matter what the specifics of your circumstances are. Everybody says similar things and we all wish it would have been different

  2. I came on over from Lea's blog (ps I like people who curse, so I had to come over and meet you ;-) ).

    I also have a daughter, though she is the older sibling of the son I lost. I can relate to some of what you talk about here, but can see how much more complicated it is for you. Grief and parenting is a difficult combination, much less parenting a surviving twin.

    I'll be reading along if you don't mind.

    Thanks for sharing that beautiful picture of Calvin with us on your blog. It breaks my heart to see his picture and know that he is not here with you and Georgia... I can only imagine what you feel.

    Deepest peace to Margaret.

  3. I came over from Lea's too and just wanted to say I'm so sorry for the loss of Calvin.

  4. I think "at least..." sucks no matter how it's applied. When someone dies there's no silver lining to that cloud. No "at least they didn't suffer", no "at least you got to be with them", no "at least you still have one." That's crap. As if everything is alright because of "at least". People say that because they think it will make you feel better, but it doesn't.

    I wouldn't worry about offending anyone with what you write on your blog. If they don't like it they don't have to read it. You can only be honest and talk about how you feel. We're all on a hard road and each road is different. I can understand that you wished you could have been able to grieve and totally focus on your loss of Calvin, but you had to take care of Georgia. I would guess it's similar to a loss after already having a child, you would have had Lorelei to take care of no matter what. But it's also not similar because you have a surviving twin to constantly remind you that the one you lost should be reaching these milestones as well.

    Dealing with death is hard, in my opinion the only time it’s ok is after a long and fulfilling life. Everyone has to go at some point, but why do some have to go so soon.

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