In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Friday, June 5, 2009
Georgia cut her first tooth today. I've known it's been coming for awhile now because of the obvious signs such as excessive drooling and chewing but I didn't expect it would be this soon. I feel like my baby is growing up far too quickly. It makes me sad in a way, although I rejoice in these moments like any other parent does. However, it's not to say that it doesn't leave me with a touch of melancholy as well. I wonder if Calvin would be cutting a tooth too or whether he would be a bit behind developmentally had he survived surgery and ECMO. It's amazing to me how much the daily wondering has become part of my life. It's hard to explain to other babylost mamas, this angst, the unsettled feeling of being half happy, half sad. I tried to put a voice to how being the parent to a surviving twin felt, how even though you are dying inside from losing a child, you still have to roll out of bed everyday to take care of the other baby. I feel I offended some of you and for those that read my blog, I apologize if it came out as trite. I realize that many of the women I talk with at the Glow lost either their first baby or it was a single pregnancy which makes the situation a little different than what I've faced. I don't know grief any other way than to focus the frustrated, broken hearted love I have for Calvin, on Georgia. I know many of the parents who have lost babies have a certain feeling of "At least you still have one...." Yes, I do have a surviving, beautiful baby girl. But I lost my only son too. And it hurts just as much. Sometimes, I admit, that when Calvin had first died, I longed for time of my own. It's not that I resented Georgia's presence, it's just that when he died, I wanted to cry, I wanted to sleep, I wanted to take a break from the world and just grieve. Imagine the worst emotional pain you've ever been through and not being able to focus on your emotions or feelings because you have absolutely no choice about being out of bed, taking care of another person's needs. There was talk about avoiding people's babies, how when their baby died, they wouldn't want to see anyone else's baby because it reminded them too much of what they had lost. I dealt with that (and still do) every minute of every day when I look at Georgia. If my talk of ''the luxury" of baby avoidance offended because it was a necessity for some to keep their sanity, I apologize, truly I do, it's just that I wasn't able to do that, even though there were times that I wished I could. I miss my son. I love Georgia for both of them. It's complicated, but it's my reality.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.