In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I am just empty today. I have spent most of the day with my girls, tending to their needs, taking care of them while their father is away. My heart wasn't in it though. Today I was definitely on autopilot, my head somewhere far away thinking about Calvin and all that we've lost. If I could flog myself to release some of the pain, I probably would, however self-flagellation is not socially acceptable here and I would probably be locked up for being a danger to myself. I need a release. I'm tired of carrying everything so close to my chest these days. Tired of holding in my grief. I need to expel some of the demons that make my life feel so miserable and purposeless on days like today. I need something...I just don't know what. That empty feeling inside could swallow me whole I swear, and although I've tried, I just can't seem to fill it. There isn't enough anything that could fill it...I think. Maybe it's just learning to live with it. Learning to live with the ever-present gnawing inside, the ache that screams for recognition. Lord knows I've tried to satisfy it with food, drugs, sleep, shopping and blogging, but my offerings seem a pittance to the void that threatens to suck out my very existence. Maybe if I cover my ears and scream La la la la la la la as loud as I can, it will drown out the call of emptiness that echos through my soul. Maybe if I just treat it like a bad weed and cut off it's food supply it will wither up and die...But how do I do that? How do I rid myself of this relentless pain? How do I push the dead aside long enough to focus on the living, my girls? How do I set my world straight again? God, I feel like a shell. A hollow fucking shell. I want to rescind my membership to this dead baby club and have my son back. And my life. Can I please speak to who's in charge here?
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.