To Winter
3 years ago
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Just Empty
I am just empty today. I have spent most of the day with my girls, tending to their needs, taking care of them while their father is away. My heart wasn't in it though. Today I was definitely on autopilot, my head somewhere far away thinking about Calvin and all that we've lost. If I could flog myself to release some of the pain, I probably would, however self-flagellation is not socially acceptable here and I would probably be locked up for being a danger to myself. I need a release. I'm tired of carrying everything so close to my chest these days. Tired of holding in my grief. I need to expel some of the demons that make my life feel so miserable and purposeless on days like today. I need something...I just don't know what. That empty feeling inside could swallow me whole I swear, and although I've tried, I just can't seem to fill it. There isn't enough anything that could fill it...I think. Maybe it's just learning to live with it. Learning to live with the ever-present gnawing inside, the ache that screams for recognition. Lord knows I've tried to satisfy it with food, drugs, sleep, shopping and blogging, but my offerings seem a pittance to the void that threatens to suck out my very existence. Maybe if I cover my ears and scream La la la la la la la as loud as I can, it will drown out the call of emptiness that echos through my soul. Maybe if I just treat it like a bad weed and cut off it's food supply it will wither up and die...But how do I do that? How do I rid myself of this relentless pain? How do I push the dead aside long enough to focus on the living, my girls? How do I set my world straight again? God, I feel like a shell. A hollow fucking shell. I want to rescind my membership to this dead baby club and have my son back. And my life. Can I please speak to who's in charge here?
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If you ever do get hold of the elusive person in charge, please let me know. I would also like to make a complaint. Actually, make that several complaints.
ReplyDeleteIt is so tiring, trying to keep functioning with a horrifying emptiness inside your chest. I don't know if there is anything on this earth that can satisfy that gnawing, aching feeling once it starts. I just hope it doesn't scream as loudly with time.
I wish I knew how to set the world straight. I wish I knew how we could all give our membership cards back. God knows, I don't want mine.
xx
Margaret - I feel for you. It is so tiring, exhausting, really. The burden we now carry is so heavy at times...
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to find a little peace today.
Thinking of you.
If I ever find out who to complain to, I won't be just complaining. If I ever find out there's supposed to be "someone in charge" or if my babies dying was all "part of a plan" I suspect I will commit an act of unspeakable violence.
ReplyDeleteNothing will fill it. It feels to me, that when your child dies, a part of you is gone as well. It sounds cliche I know, but if someone had their leg cut off, would anyone ever expect them not to be limping or using crutches? NO! They would get a check from the government, and handicapped parking spaces and who knows what else.
ReplyDeleteUs? Well, no one can see the part of us that is gone, so no one wants to think about it, the very thought is painful, but they are our thoughts, we are broken in a way, and I don't expect we'll 'be better' any time soon.
We can hold each other up as best we can on our strong days and be sad for one another on our weak ones.
I adore you Margaret. I hope you feel a bit more peace today.
Love you, Lindsay
It's all so $#!$ hard and as you know, some days are worse than others. Hoping you have some peaceful times ahead. Much love.
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