To Winter
3 years ago
Monday, June 29, 2009
Despair
This past weekend has plunged me back into the depths of despair. I don't know what to do about it either. Maybe it's the natural cycle of grief coming around for another pass, maybe it's the utter failure of my swap meet, maybe it's my hormones. All I know is that I feel like crap emotionally. I think that I need to go spend some time with my son, get some of the heartache out. The cemetery is far from private, unfortunately the Trans Canada Trail goes right through it so there are always people walking by, riding their bikes or taking the kids and pets out for a romp. I hate feeling like my privacy is invaded while I'm there, especially if I'm talking to Calvin or crying. I dislike my life right now. I want it to change. I want to be free from the painkillers so I can stop sleeping twelve hours a day. I'm always tired and lately I could care less about sex, how bad is that? I don't seem to care about much these days aside from my children and making money for Children's Hospital. They're what keep me going most of the time. Today, I realized as I was sitting in the doctors office that it's been at least a month since I shaved my legs. Gross!!! Although my basic hygiene hasn't suffered, I definitely haven't cared about how I look in months. I can't stand myself right now, I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and although I've tried to entice Shane into going out with the girls and I during the day, I think he's in the same boat. He doesn't leave the house often anymore. He hasn't worked in almost a year and he spent one day last week looking for work and became discouraged. Our residual income isn't going to last forever, we're already feeling the pinch but I can't manage to motivate someone else when I'm in the same condition...Fuck, will this ever end? I hate how disrupted my life has become, how unmanagable my feelings have gotten and how I've hidden myself away in drugs and blogging for months now. I just want to feel normal again and I just know it isn't going to happen. How long before the fog lifts and the sun comes out again? Help me ladies, I need some words of wisdom right now....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Oh, Margaret. I don't know when it becomes easier, as you know, there's no timeline on grief but it's only been 6 months since Calvin died and that's such a short time. Be gentle with yourself if you can. I know for me, almost 11 months into this I can say I have more "better" days than I used to and those days/weeks of utter despair don't come as often, nor do they last as long. I wish I knew how so I could tell you but I honestly don't know. Please know you're not alone. xo
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard to answer because there is no answer to how to make the pain stop. I am sorry Calvin is not here. Know that you will have better days. But right now it is too early. Your efforts to raise money for the Children's Hospital is such a good way to honor him.
ReplyDeleteI don't know either and I with there were answers.
ReplyDelete8 months after losing George, I'm having more better days than bad. I can go for weeks feeling ok-ish and even happy and then the enormity of our loss hits me and throws me to the floor.
It will get better, it has to.
As Monique said, you are not alone.
xxx
I understand, I do. The pills, the uncomfortable in my skin, and no, I'm sure that the swap-meet didn't help, but PLEASE don't blame yourself for that.
ReplyDeleteShave your legs. That alone will make you feel better.
I'm living on residual income as well.
It will get better. It has to.
I'm sorry you're down and I know it's hard to remember being happy, but you were once, and you will be again.
I love you girl. You're in my thoughts today.
Love Linds