Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Three AM Anxiety

It's three am. Three eighteen to be exact and I'm not sleeping. I went to bed tonight a little past midnight hoping to get a good night of sleep so that I'm not a grumpy bear in the morning. I have things to do. Nevertheless, here I am unable to sleep. This latest spell of warm weather has me befuddled as to what to do with Georgia's swaddle situation. Georgia has been swaddled since birth and she does not go to sleep well without being swaddled. In the last few weeks, she has also taken to wanting to sleep on her tummy which causes me enough anxiety as it is, add to that the fact that she is swaddled and either busts out of her burrito or ends up sleeping face down, arms pinned to her sides. I'm a wreck. I'm paranoid about her sleeping on her stomach. I'm paranoid she's too warm, I'm paranoid she's too cold. I'm paranoid I'm going to go to sleep and she's going to get tangled up in her busted-out-of swaddle and be unable to breathe. I'm finding it hard to relax enough to get to sleep. Sure enough, as I laid there tonight worrying, I felt the familiar start of gnawing in my stomach, the sure-fire sign that the last dose of Dilaudid I took has left my system and I'm starting to go through withdrawl. So, I got up and took another dose, hoping it would take the edge off my anxiety and allow me a few hours of sleep. Instead I lay there thinking about Georgia and what would happen to me if something happened to her. I love her more than anything. I love her with every cell in my body. I love her for the connection she had to Calvin, I love her for him and for all the love I am unable to give him now that he is gone. I love her because she is my last baby, I cherish every bit of babyness she has and now I am starting to worry something could happen to her. Some days I think oh, this is good, things are getting better, I'm really doing okay. Then there are nights like tonight where I think I'm going nuts. My daughter has slept in our room in her crib for going on seven months and now because it's hot and she's busting out of her swaddle and rolling over to sleep I worry I'm going to lose her to SIDS. I hate this. I hate my brain and the paranoid way I think sometimes. I hate that I went through this with Lorelei when she was a baby and it developed into OCD with me checking her fifteen to twenty times a night, often in my sleep. God, I hope tomorrow is better....


  1. Margaret - it's so natural to be feeling this way, especially after all you have been through.

    Have you tried putting Georgia in a baby blanket? It's a warm, cotton sleeper-like outfit (without the legs, kind of like a bunting bag), sleeveless (so you can also put her in a sleeper or diaper shirt - depending on the temp.), it zips up. They aren't swaddled, per se, but it's just like having a blanket on them without the worry of them kicking it off or getting tangled up. I used them when the boys got a little older and could roll over on their own.

    Just a thought - here's a link so you get an idea!


    Hugs to you.

  2. I hope that tomorrow is better for you Margaret. It sounds as though you went through a terrible experience with checking on Lorelei. That must have been so tough.

    I'm a bit obsessive about checking Jess but not so that it's become a problem. I certainly haven't managed to check her in my sleep yet! It's warmer here in the UK too and she'd recently got into the habit of pulling her blankets over her head. That in combination with the end of oxygen therapy made me increasingly anxious about her breathing. I've started using one of the baby sleeping bags that Lea recommended above and that seems to work well. She can't wriggle under it or out of it. The image of Georgia busting out of her burrito made me smile.

    That is such a lovely description of your love for Georgia, for her own sweet self and for her connection with Calvin. When Georgina died I remember saying to my husband that we couldn't have anything closer to her to remember her by, her twin sister. Sometimes I find that thought really comforting.

    Hope you get some sleep and that the anxiety dies down. xx

  3. I really think you're just a worried mother who's lived through a terrible ordeal.
    Trust me on this, I understand that knawing feeling, I STILL get it ever so often. If you're going to try and stop, you have to wean down or it's hell.
    I hope you can get some rest. Is there anyone that you trust to take care of her for a night, maybe in your home?
    I know for me there wouldn't be, but it's worth a shot.
    I'm thinking about you, and I hope you get some peace of mind and rest in.
    Much Love

  4. Just wanted to stop by and let you know how very sorry I am for the loss of Calvin. He's such a beautiful little boy. His picture took my breath away.
    Sending love and my warmest wishes.
    Sally (from Glow in the Woods)

  5. How much worry is too much worry? How much worry is unnatural? I think, we as mothers, loss or no loss will always worry about our children. I feel is normal, especially after a loss, to worry that something, anything could happen to our rainbow baby. Try not to focus so much on the 'what ifs' and try to enjoy your baby being a baby. I have insomnia too, not because I worry about what could happen, as I still play the 'what if' game in my head. I place blame and then after drifting off I have horrible nightmares too scary, graphic, and gory to even mention. Insomnia is a jerk.
    Thinking of you and your sweet babies tonight and hoping you finally got some sleep.