I am humbled. I am humbled by the goodness of people, goodness I never thought possible. I am in awe of those that devote their lives to helping the sick and injured. My perspective of the medical profession has changed since I had the twins, since I lost Calvin. For a long time, I didn't know how they could do it, how the doctors and nurses could go about their days dealing with devastation and death like they were untouchable. I know now that the "untouchable" part is untrue. I know now that doctors and nurses cry for their patients, that sometimes their hearts break too. What I had always perceived as a lack of feeling or emotion has proved opposite and I am small in the revelation that I was so very wrong. How do you fit all that emotion into one heart? How does one human channel so much goodness and create a lifetime devoted to sharing that goodness with others?
I am humbled by the talent of others. People that can make me laugh and cry with the words they write. Expression is an artform in itself. Whether through canvas or song or sculpture or written word, the beauty created leaves a legacy of passion in it's purity and leaves me trembling in awe. I have stood in front of the works of the great masters and wept, been moved to tears or raucous dancing by song and yet I fall short in harnessing the emotion that floods my soul and leaves me drowning with no outlet of my own. I am humbled by those who know themselves so well they can pour a lifetime of hope into a few brushstrokes on canvas, a few words on paper. My shortcomings scream to be heard above the din of greatness. At times I don't just feel insignificant, I embody it. I wish...
How do you harness an emotion you have to work at? How is it that some can be so overflowing with goodness, patience, love, peace, hope, devotion, while I have to work daily to find those things? My desire to do something to make a difference, heal the hurt, bring a smile, change the world feels ineffective at times. I wish I could just "be" all those things, that they would come to me naturally to spill forth from my heart and splash goodness on those around me. There are days my gloom and negativity crowds out the love and leaves no room for light. I ache desperately to give, to show gratitude, to give of myself for all that I feel inside. Some days, I wonder if I will ever be heard.
There are those of you who bring me such joy, such love. You comfort me, your words wrap around me like a favorite blanket enveloping me with warmth. I thank you for the unique ways you have each touched my life. I wish you could spend a minute in my heart to truly understand how I feel. I struggle with expression, I struggle to spread goodness, I struggle to find the one thing in life that makes me different, that makes me memorable. I am humbled by all that you have been to me and hope one day I can be that to you too. In the meantime, I sit back in quiet admiration of your hearts and thank you for all that you share.
Maybe This Year Will Be Better Than the Last*
3 weeks ago