In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Monday, June 8, 2009
I finished Calvin's memorial book last night. It's taken me six months because at times the emotions became overwhelming and I had to put it away. I can't tell you how relieved I am that it's done. Now I'll have all the memories in one place. I started it almost immediately after we buried Calvin, I needed something to do with all the feelings I was having. It was a good outlet at first but in time started to get painful. Many times I sat down to work on it and within minutes had gotten up and walked away because the hurt became too much. However, the guilt of having it almost done for months now had been eating at me, a little nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to finish it. I put everything I could think of in it. Pictures of our doctors, of Bud, the man who got us money to pay our rent in Vancouver while we were waiting for the babies to come, Calvin's eulogy and the many condolences sent our way via email and facebook. I also put in the picture of Calvin's name in the sand and the moments from his birth to his death. It is very personal, not something I will share easily because it's mine, and it's his and it's all I have now. It will be something I can share with the girls when they start asking questions about why their brother is no longer with us. I can take it down, open it up and show them what it was like. It will be something I give to Georgia when she is old enough, this book about her brother, the twin she knew only in my womb. I want the girls to know how much we loved Calvin, how we would have done anything we could for him and how it broke our hearts to let him go. I'm so glad I did it even though it hurt so much. Calvin deserved this book. He will never have a baby book or his picture taken with us at holidays or birthdays so I felt I owed him this. I love you my son.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.