In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Both of my sisters-in-law are pregnant right now. Susan is due in October and Trisha just found out recently and is due in February. I am so incredibly happy for them. I am also so filled with longing for another baby, it's making me a touch blue. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for Georgia and I love every little bit of her adorable baby self. But she's growing far too fast. Too soon she'll be running from me rather than to me and my days of snuggling and kissing and caressing all that baby softness will be coming to an end. Making the decision to have my tubes tied after my c-section was probably the right decision for me both mentally and physically, but it doesn't take away the desire to have more children, to try again for another baby boy. Shane and I have discussed all the different options, IVF, adoption, using a gestational carrier, but have no idea where or how to proceed. I know as far as having my eggs harvested, I'm on a timeline. Most clinics will only harvest your eggs up to age thirty-nine and I'm thirty-eight now. I also have a high level of follicle stimulating hormone which isn't conducive to IVF. I don't know whether I should just start making peace with the fact that my pregnant days are over and that our two girls will be all we have, or whether we should forge ahead and attempt to have another baby. I guess I never really realized how much I would grieve not only my son, but the loss of my childbearing potential. I'm sad for us. I'm sad because I feel like I've ruined any chance for us to conceive naturally again and that in itself is heartbreaking. I've tried praying about this but I just haven't gotten an answer about which way we should go. All I know is that I want another baby and while I will have the chance to be a hands on auntie with one of my sister-in-law's baby, it won't be the same as having my own sweet child sleeping nuzzled into my shoulder. I guess I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself right now, and I know that there will be resolution to this problem one way or the other. I just don't know whether I want to accept the fact that it might not be what I want.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.