Friday, March 13, 2009

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Lately my feelings have been a mixture of all three, most days this past week have been ugly. I'm broken. I am a woman with a loving husband and two beautiful daughters, all three the centre of my universe. So why am I hurting so much right now? I miss Calvin and all the possibilities for his life. I miss the hopes and dreams I had for my only son and the dream of my life fulfilled. All have vanished as if some evil magician has waved his magic wand and zapped into my lifeforce, stealing my happiness. Some days I feel unbelievably lonely, drowning in thoughts and feelings I can't express, wishing for another ending to Calvin' chapter in the book of life. Grief is isolating, sorrowful, haunting. I have danced with the Grim Reaper, not by choice but by some cruel twist of fate that stole my only son from me at six days old. I hate what death has done to my soul, twisting it and crushing my spirit until some days I feel like I should just quit fighting to find the person I used to be. She is gone, Calvin's death has become my undoing. In all of this, I know there is no possibility of me coming through unscathed, it's too late. This changeling in the mirror is a stranger to me, dull eyes where light used to dance. All I can hope for is a chance to make something of what's been left behind. All I can hope for is the softening of the pain over time, into something that is always there but doesn't always leave me gasping for air. This week has been ugly, I'll settle for bad next week.

1 comment:

  1. Mags,
    how very brave of you to share with us your very private thoughts and expressions. While I can not imagine the pain for a lose of a child, I know grief very well and have felt feelings similar to yours. Some people get to come to terms with a dying family member but it makes it all the harder when it happens suddenly and you are left with feelings of guilt, anger, loneliness, and in some cases abandonment.
    Your feelings are yours to bear and I am honored that I can share in your journey of self reflection and your battle of coming to terms with them.
    I still after 4 years have my moments of anger and uncontrolable fits of crying missing my mom. I also go through the guilt and jealousy that I lived thousands of miles away and could not get to spend as much time with her that everyone else did. It is a journey that is internal and no matter how much someone tells you they understand they can't.
    To add the hell that is post-partum on top is unimaginable.
    Through it all Mags please remember that you are an amazingly strong woman,I know this first hand as you were at times a rock that I leaned on for strength.
    Cry when you need to, even if it is in the middle of a store, you may look crazy but hell you'll feel better at the moment!!