In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Lately my feelings have been a mixture of all three, most days this past week have been ugly. I'm broken. I am a woman with a loving husband and two beautiful daughters, all three the centre of my universe. So why am I hurting so much right now? I miss Calvin and all the possibilities for his life. I miss the hopes and dreams I had for my only son and the dream of my life fulfilled. All have vanished as if some evil magician has waved his magic wand and zapped into my lifeforce, stealing my happiness. Some days I feel unbelievably lonely, drowning in thoughts and feelings I can't express, wishing for another ending to Calvin' chapter in the book of life. Grief is isolating, sorrowful, haunting. I have danced with the Grim Reaper, not by choice but by some cruel twist of fate that stole my only son from me at six days old. I hate what death has done to my soul, twisting it and crushing my spirit until some days I feel like I should just quit fighting to find the person I used to be. She is gone, Calvin's death has become my undoing. In all of this, I know there is no possibility of me coming through unscathed, it's too late. This changeling in the mirror is a stranger to me, dull eyes where light used to dance. All I can hope for is a chance to make something of what's been left behind. All I can hope for is the softening of the pain over time, into something that is always there but doesn't always leave me gasping for air. This week has been ugly, I'll settle for bad next week.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.