Monday, March 30, 2009

Unhealthy Diversions

I'm not very good at grief. I don't know how people get on with their lives after going through something like this. Just the very thought of the day Calvin died has me gasping for air, trying to swallow the huge lump in my throat before it threatens to choke me and make me cry out. It happens alot, in odd places where my thoughts should be elsewhere. Rather than feel the pain, in the beginning I sought diversions, things that would keep my mind occupied or dull the pain enough for me to get through the day. I admit, I take too much pain medication most days and have since Calvin died. I shop online. I read blogs obsessively or bury my face in a book or keep myself busy most days so that I don't have to think about it, don't have to cry.

In the month following Calvin's death, I logged on to ebay. How long I stayed logged on, I don't really know. After ten boxes of children's clothing had shown up, my husband gently asked me one day how many more boxes were coming. I had no idea. When I checked, I realized I had bought twenty-seven boxes of clothing for the girls, far more than they could ever wear. I was deeply ashamed, not only at the excess, but at the fact that I didn't recall doing it. The very fact that Shane didn't absolutely freak out on me for doing it is a complete miracle. I promised to stop and I did. For about a week, when I found myself online buying purses. Five purses later, I miserably shut off the computer and agreed to grief counseling.

So now, my diversion in a sense is blogging, but it's not really a diversion because I'm talking about Calvin, I'm feeling the pain of losing him. I'm crying everyday again, something I thought I was over long ago but apparently still need to do. I'm trying to channel my grief into more positive things, no more online shopping. As for the meds, I'm trying to cut down little by little. It's been complicated trying to get off them because of pelvic issues I'm having and have had since the births of the twins. Maybe it sounds excuse-ish but I don't deal very well with physical pain any more than emotional pain. I know I can't continue to numb myself out all the time, although the respite is nice. I suppose if I was a drinker I would have probably drank myself to death by now, thank God I can't handle more than a drink or two without feeling like complete shit for the next two days. I can't believe how much I still hurt over this, I guess it's only really been four months or so but it seems like forever....


  1. Thank you for your kind comment Margaret. I love reading your blog but I didn't want to invade. The photograph of Calvin is beautiful.

    I couldn't believe it when I read this. My daughter is now the proud owner of approximately one gajillion trillion outfits that I have purchased from ebay. I have a whole linen chest full. So far she has worn a brand new outfit nearly every day of her life. My postman must think (or know) that I am absolutely insane.

    It doesn't sound at all excuse-ish. When I have even the slightest physical discomfort now I find it really difficult to contend with. It just seems like too much on top of everything else. I have a major problem with being cold, my heating bill is going to be a horrible surprise. I don't know how on earth it must feel to be in physical pain as well as this unbearable, unremitting sadness. My view at the moment is 'whatever gets you through the day . . ' but I know that this is not sustainable in the long term.

    Will NOT log on to ebay now. Will follow your excellent example and go and do something productive instead.

  2. That's too funny Catherine, my husband is pretty tolerant of my spoiling the girls and wanting them to look pretty. He taught our three year old, Lorelei, to say " I may be three, but I have designer jeans." LOL I thought I was the only "crazy" mom addicted to ebay...LOL. Thanks so much for sharing.

  3. Hi. So much of what you describe had me nodding with understanding. I'm so sorry you don't have your son Calvin with you. I'm not very good at grief either. It freaking sucks. Hang in there.