Yesterday was a down day. I guess I'm having issues with my feelings of failure as a mother for not being able to protect Calvin and it's spilling over into my life with my other two kids. Lorelei is at a frustrating age. Frustrating because she's asserting her independence with a ferocious attitude and it seems like we are constantly butting heads. By four o'clock yesterday afternoon I was on the verge of a major freak-out. The non-stop arguing, defiance, and deliberate misbehaving had pushed all my buttons and I felt like running away from home. Seriously. I felt so unappreciated, I was practically sobbing as I cooked Shane's roast beef dinner. After supper I asked Shane if he minded if I took some time for myself and went and laid down for awhile. He was completely ok with it, so I went into our room, turned off all the lights, put on some classical music and crawled into bed. I was so comfortable just laying there drifting.....thinking about Calvin, Lorelei and Georgia and suddenly I realize I'm crying. Crying because I love my children so much yet feel like such a bad mother some days. Wondering if my oldest child is going to hate me in a few years because she is so willful and strong.
After an hour or so, Shane came and got me. He had put away the leftovers from supper, made Georgia's bottles and gotten Lorelei ready for bed. How wonderful, I'm thinking...then he tells me he's going to give me a little tenderness, that he knows how stressed and upset I was and proceeds to tell me what he's going to do for me. First, he wanted to brush my hair, I love having my hair brushed because it reminds me of when my mother used to do it for me as a child. Then, he intended to shave my legs and give me a backrub with some massage oil. It was heaven. Shane started shaving my legs years ago and likes to do it for me when I need some tlc. He's extremely gentle, and has never cut me. I trust him completely and although some might find it weird, it's one of the tender things he has taken to doing for me over the years. I have my own little things I do for him when he's in need of pampering, it helps keep our love soft and new feeling. After my massage, I went and jumped in a hot shower and by the time I came out was feeling good again. As we lay snuggling in bed together, I told him how much I appreciated him knowing me the way he does, knowing what to do to make me feel good again when I'm down. Sometimes all it takes is a little time, love, and tenderness.
Intention and Grace
1 month ago