My life feels extremely disordered some days. Just when I feel like things are settling down in my heart, in a quiet moment alone with my thoughts, my grief creeps to the surface and all of a sudden I'm back in the sorrow of it all. I try to keep busy, at what I'm not sure, I feel busy most days changing bums, feeding, playing, singing with the girls, doing laundry but upon crawling out of bed this morning I looked around and thought, man my house needs a good cleaning. My dishwasher broke a couple of weeks ago and I've been doing extremely well at staying on top of the dishes until the day before yesterday when I used the last of the dishsoap to wash baby bottles. Do you think I can remember to pick up dishsoap? My brain feels so foggy sometimes, like I have trouble focusing on even the basic things that need to be done.
I've never been like this before, usually I'm able to remember all the tiny details of my life, things that need attention right down to the insignificant. Now even the everyday things seem overwhelming most days, seemingly because I tend to lose myself in the quiet moments, the times where the girls are sleeping and Shane is out. These are the times I take for myself to restore order into my life, clean up after people, put stuff away, do the stuff that matters to me so that I can enjoy my personal space and not feel guilty about lounging on the couch. Now, in my quiet moments, thoughts of Calvin sneak in and I lose myself in remembering. I love the memories I have of him, well, most of them anyways, but the feeling of sadness that accompanies the memories is so hard to deal with. I hate the ever-present ache in my heart. I hate not being able to turn off my head, to put Calvin away for awhile so that I don't feel sad and that I can concentrate on things in my life that need doing. I told Shane that I hate feeling sad all the time, it seems that most of our conversations at night gravitate towards Calvin and I end up crying. Damnit, I miss him so fucking much. I hate the repetitive nature of the memories, the same moments over and over and over in my mind's eye, the same feelings of sorrow, of emptiness. I hate that my motherly duties to Lorelei and Georgia feel merely like an escape at times, something to occupy myself so that I don't feel swallowed whole by the grief of losing my beautiful baby. My Calvin. It horrifies me to even say the words, "My baby died...". Babies are NOT supposed to die, not when as a mother I did everything I could to give him the best chance. I stopped smoking, didn't drink, no drugs, took vitamins and ate healthier than I usually do, rested every day, went to every fucking doctor's appointment...Damnit, it's not fair. It's not fair that my life will never be the same again, that everything feels chaotic some days, that my children no longer have a mother who is "whole" because part of her died with Calvin. I don't know how to fix myself because it feels like everything I do is simply a diversion, that in my quiet moments it all comes flooding back. I can't stop crying. And I hate it.
Intention and Grace
1 month ago