Tuesday, March 31, 2009

In Living Colour

I had forgotten about these clips, mostly because I didn't really realize we had video images of the twins when they were born, I had always just skipped through them as pictures until the other night when I found Shane watching the videos of our babies. When I saw the clip of Calvin, living and breathing, my heart skipped a beat. Sometimes it's hard to believe it's real, that he existed somewhere other than in my heart. Seeing him again in motion, living, flooded me with feelings I can't describe. I'm so grateful for my time with him and I will never forget him. That day, the day my twins were born, was one of the best days of my life. I will always remember the love and hope and joy we experienced, how full of anticipation Shane and I were, to start our lives as a family of five. If we only knew Calvin would soon die, I'm sure we would have filmed hours of video of him, instead of one short clip. Hindsight they say is 20/20. I wish I had more of him, more video, more pictures, more of his hair, more clothes that he had worn. I wish I had more time. I wish I still had him. I also wish I could believe without a doubt in my mind that God exists and that I will see him again, because I want so badly to believe, but in light of everything that's happened, I'm struggling. Can you blame me?

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