In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Sunday, September 27, 2009
For the Mamas
I've wanted to post for some time now on how your support and the things you do to remember my son and give me comfort mean to me. Some days when I am feeling down, all it takes to cheer me up, give me comfort, give me strength, are a few words on my blog, left with love from another mother who has lost her child. Some days when I am feeling that no one in the world understands me I will read a post on someone's blog that says exactly what is in my heart. Some days when I feel that no one thinks of me or remembers my son, I get a sweet surprise from someone who has thought of us and taken the time to acknowledge us. I have been down lately. I have been struggling with Calvin's upcoming year, not only his birthday, but his death day six days later. I am having a hard time finding a way to honour Calvin on the day of his birth, without making it a sad time for Georgia. I feel guilty and sad and lonely and confused about what to do for her, to honour her sweet life while remembering her brother's place in our family also. I've been consumed with cleaning, trying not to think about things, make things more complicated while these days come closer and closer. I am filled with sadness over Calvin's marker and the thought that it might not be installed for his birthday or his death day. I am also trying to stay focused on feeling happiness for my sisters in law who are both pregnant and have every right to be happy and joyful about their babies. Some days it's difficult. Not because I begrudge them their children or joy, but because my own road to family has been so bumpy. Because although I have had two daughters and a son, my life feels incomplete without Calvin here. I envy them for not knowing the pain and fear of carrying a child with a serious congenital heart defect, for being able to embrace pregnancy and all the joys of dreaming of who that child will be without being shadowed by past losses and heartache. Both of my pregnancies were filled with worry, endless checkups and monitoring. I wish I had had the experience of having a child without fear, just knowing the anticipation of things to come. I am also trying very hard to be supportive for my blog friends who are expecting. I know they do carry some of the fear I had with me when I was pregnant and I wish I could help them believe that things will be okay for them. I believe it with all my heart. More than anything, I wish I could have an hour with each of you, to thank you for your words, the kindness and love you've shown me through these difficult months, for not judging me when my words come out sounding like I should be locked away in some insane asylum forever. I want to thank Lea and Bree for remembering Calvin on their blogs, for honouring his life. It means so very much to me to have him acknowledged as part of me, part of my family. I want to also thank Jesse for selflessly sharing herself and her son Oliver with me. They have come to be people I love dearly and think about daily. I don't know what I would do without the support and kindness you all have given me in your own ways. Just wanted to say you are terrific women, each and every one of you. None of us deserved to have these things happen to us and I wish to God it hadn't. I do think of you all, and your sweet babes very much although I haven't figured out a way to show it here. Thanks for being my light in the dark...and for being here as I stumble through surviving the most painful loss in my life. I love you all.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.