In memory of my son, because every life leaves something beautiful behind...
Monday, September 28, 2009
Aunt Flo has made her monthly visit. She is my most despised visitor as of late, since having the twins she seems to stay longer and longer each time she comes. Last month she was here for sixteen days and it's gotten so bad that I can no longer leave the house on the first couple of days she is here. I'm in agony. My cramps are so horrendous that my meds are no longer doing their job. A visit with my gynecologist last month had her suggest uterine ablation, that is burning of the lining in my uterus. I will hardly have periods if I get it done, but also never be able to carry a baby again. I'm holding out. Why, I don't know at this point as Shane and I cannot afford IVF right now and the likelihood of me carrying another child is not very high. But I'm afraid of the permanence of destroying my lining. Afraid of having my insides scorched and having to pass black, burned tissue. I'm afraid that if the time comes when we can afford the IVF, that I won't be able to because I've made my uterus uninhabitable. So I'm suffering, loudly at that. Poor Shane was roused from bed at five o'clock this morning so that I could change the sheets and start a load of laundry that needed washing immediately. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I am thinking of returning to work but know that no employer in his right mind is going to give me the first two to three days of my period off every month. I don't see any other way though at this point. Not only are the cramps intolerable but my flow is so heavy that no feminine hygiene product protects me for more than an hour at a time. I'm at a loss for what to do. I can't handle this much longer but I don't want to give up the possibility of ever having a child again.
I have decided to write about my feelings following the death of my only son in November 2008. I'm learning that grief is a process with good days and bad, a lonely road with new beginnings and unavoidable endings. It is my hope that through writing I can come to peace with what has happened to us and our beautiful boy.